My sister, my best friend passed away on Feb. 14th. I'm still in shock. I just look at her photos and shake my head in disbelief. I still can't believe my best friend is gone. She was all I had left. These past 2 years have been so bad. I lost both my dogs and then my third one I had to leave with the boys. I lost my kids. I lost my marriage of 17 years. I lost my house and furniture. Now I've lost my sister. I just can't deal with all this grief. I don't know how to deal with it.

 I've never lost anyone close to me besides my Jada who is in heaven. She was never born so  I didn't even get to see her. I can't see my kids because they're about 2-3 hours away. These past 2 years have been so difficult dealing with losing them. Learning to live life again after 17 yrs. of being a mom. They were my life and the reason I live. I mean they still are but I just can't see them often. My beautiful daughter moved to California with her boyfriend. I'm happy for her and that she gets a chance to experience life and be happy but I just wish she chose to do that here with me. My oldest son, Brian as I talked about before on here is starting to come see me. Now I just need Joshua to come visit but I hear he's not allowed so I'm at a complete loss how a parent can keep their kids from the other parent. I hear from the grapevine that she's very strict on them like the father is. They're both military so I figured as much, but it makes me sick. I think he doesn't call me because he just doesn't know what to say to me. This is why I asked Dwayne for the house phone number but he won't give it to me. This way I could call him, but he's trying to keep them away from me. What can I do? He'll call me soon.

 Those little things It just kills me to be away from like, my Joshua is the youngest and he was afraid of storms, so he would come in on my bed with me. Brian was afraid to, but not as bad. He would even go out on the porch and we would watch the lightning and he would record it and take pictures of it. I was scared to death to be outside like that and told them we shouldn't be out here when it's lightening out. I miss my babies and I just always had that sick feeling knowing Joshua needed mama when it was storming out. I know he needs me period in his life and it just kills me that I can't be.

 So, anyway I am so missing my sister already and we're gonna have a service for her here in a few days. I wrote something about her and I'm going to read it. If I can without crying. I know she's at peace now and her struggle with addiction and her health is over. The report came back that she died from kidney disease, COPD, overdose on alcohol and pills, and the stroke. She had too much going on at once. She also had pneumonia and she had heart disease. I feel the stroke was from the overdose. I knew what she was doing and I just couldn't stop her. It kills me that I was so helpless. Addiction runs big time in our family and I'm just not ashamed to talk about it because it's a brain disease like any other disease and the addict can't stop on just will power alone. But I also hate that she was with an abusive boyfriend. I tried to get her to stay away from that asshole. She deserved so much better. So, anyway, thank you all who donated and are still donating and thank you for your prayers and support in this difficult time in my family's life. 

 It's a little late but I got to see my son!! My oldest son, Brian came to see me for New Years! He spent New Years Eve with me! Nobody knows how happy that made me after not seeing my sons for about 2 years. You think they would be encouraged to go see their mother. My baby is 17 and he's so tall. That was the greatest New Year I've had ever. I enjoyed him being here. My dad's tradition is to shoot his gun (has pellets in them) but my son got to do it. I wish my other son, Joshua would come see me. He should ask his father to bring him here as was ordered by the court. I MISS him so much! It hurts to not be able to see him. I know he'll come see me soon. I'm giving him time I guess. 
 I'm worried I won't be able to ever get my license. I have a low attention span and just from getting the brain injury from my car accident, I worry I won't be able to pay attention to everything. I've driven before and it was hard paying attention to my speed and on the road. I have been afraid to drive all these years because of my car accident, but it's not fun having to depend on someone to take me here and there. I had to depend on my husband all those years and to not be able to take your kids here or there really sucked. I just felt so useless. He was supposed to help me and take me out driving but he either had no time and he didn't try to encourage me any to go drive. But in the end it's still my responsibility and I was always just to afraid. It's something I have to do. 

7 Steps to Inner Fulfillment

Many women feel overworked and under-appreciated. The simple life doesn't exist for us as we enter the work force, raise our children, commit to our partners and make our own way. However, this doesn't have to be experienced as exhausting or somehow unfair. Embrace all of this opportunity It is amazing how much stronger and capable we are then we ever knew. Look at the fact that no matter what struggles we come across, we keep going, because we have the will and strength to overcome it all. All of our greatest accomplishments, we once thought we may never achieve, we have because we kept on pushing through each challenge we faced. No matter what has felt beyond our control, nothing has ever made us less. Our resilience makes us more fulfilled and self-trusting.

7 Steps to Inner Fulfillment:

1. Self-loving: Fulfilled women do not count on others for their worth or self-satisfaction. They love themselves first, are able to self-soothe when life gets hard and continue to operate with a sense of composure. Life can be painful and challenging but because they are fulfilled and accept who they are flaws and all, they are able to tap into their own inner strength and continue forward with an attitude of faith that all things will work out in their favor.

2. Independent: Powerful women are driven, confident and in control of their emotions. They are not needy or desperate and have an "I don't care" attitude because they put themselves first in a healthy way. They do not depend upon others for their resources, are passionate about their lives and live out their defined purpose with commitment and fortitude, not letting outside influences take them away from what drives them deep within their soul. Fulfilled women have the confidence to go for it. They are not afraid of failure. They are not afraid of success. They are not afraid of the results of their efforts. Fulfillment allows them to take joy in the journey.

3. Discerning: Powerful women are selective about the company they keep. They are aware that negativity is contagious and drama producing, and therefore, are careful about who they spend their time with. They are committed to being in mutually beneficial relationships, love to give but can also receive and release those who do not have their best interest at heart.

4. Classy: Authentically happy women understand the concept of less is more. They know that intelligence, beauty, style and posture are their ways to communicate their worth. The take good care to be well-spoken, elegant, graceful, flirtatious and playful. When powerful women are present, their understated qualities are what make them stand out and shine. Confidence doesn't need for attention, it draws attention.

5. Nurturing: Women who are internally fulfilled do whatever it takes to get up in the morning to feed and nurture their children, their partner, their career, their passions, and most importantly themselves. No matter the challenges in their lives they continue to love and nurture those who depend upon them. This is essential to them, as mothering, whether they have children or not, is a part of who they are at their core.

6. Resilient: Genuinely happy women are focused, determined and they keep their efforts on their goal regardless of the distance it will take to fulfill it. Reinventing themselves is part of their DNA. They know they can pull it from where they don't have it when they are put on the line. They cry when they need to but because fulfillment is vital to their existence they never give up.

7. Other-oriented: Powerful women see the good in others. They see and value the beauty other people bring to their life and they find them interesting and people they can learn and grow from. They do not need all the attention for themselves because they enjoy celebrating the accomplishments of others as much as they love their own successes. They are aware that in life there is always enough for everyone. There is enough love, money, success and passion and so they do not engage in the wastefulness of jealousy. Women who are comfortable in themselves compliment often and love to make others feel valuable.

A woman who is fulfilled loves herself. She makes sure she fills her cup first because she is aware to give and receive in this world she has to be full and come from a place of knowing her worth. She is one who feels deeply and loves fiercely. Her tears flow just as abundantly as her laughter. A strong woman is both soft and powerful. She is both practical and spiritual. A woman who is fulfilled and comfortable in her own essence is a gift to the world.

Sherapy Advice: If you put yourself last fulfillment will never come. When you put yourself first you are an endless well of love and fulfillment for yourself and others. Love yourself.

                                                                                                                            Sherrie Campbell

                      "Faith For Dark Days"

 

                 When dark days come-and they come to us all-
                               We feel so helpless and lost and small.
                                We cannot fathom the reason why,
                                     And it's futile for us to try
                              To find the answer, the reason, or cause,
                              For the master plan is without any flaws.
                             And when the darkness shuts out the light,
                             We must lean on faith to restore our sight,
                                   For there is nothing we need know
                                   If we have faith that wherever we go
                                   God will be there to help us bear
                                  Our disappointments, pain, and care.
                             For He is our Shepard, our Father, our Guide,
                            And you're never alone with the Lord at your side.
                                   So may the great physician attend you,
                                And may His healing completely mend you.

 

Listen In The Quietness

To try to run away from life is impossible to do, 
For no matter where you chance to go,
Your troubles will follow you; 
For though the scenery is different, 
When you look deep inside you'll find
the same deep, restless longings
that you thought you left behind. 
So when life becomes a problem
much too great for us to bear,
Instead of trying to escape, 
let us withdraw in prayer.
For withdraw means renewal 
if we withdraw to pray
And listen in the quietness 
to hear what God will say. 
Helen Steiner Rice

There's Nothing Selfish About Suicide

  Posted: 08/12/2014 3:00 pm EDT Updated: 08/12/2014 4:59 pm EDT

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I am a survivor of suicide.

I don't talk about it a lot these days, as I've reached the point where it feels like a lifetime ago. Healing was a long and grief-stricken process. There were times when I felt very alone in my grief and there were times when I felt lost and confused. The trouble with suicide is that no one knows what to say. No one knows how to react. So they smile and wave and attempt distraction... but they never ever say the word. The survivors, it seems, are often left to survive on their own.

I experienced endless waves of emotion in the days, weeks, months and even years following the loss of my father. The "what ifs" kept me up at night, causing me to float through each day in a state of perpetual exhaustion. What if I had answered the phone that night? Would the sound of my voice have changed his mind? Would he have done it at a later date, anyway? Survivor's guilt, indeed.

Sometimes, I cried. Sometimes, I sat perfectly still watching the waves crash down on Main Beach, hoping for a sign of some kind that he had reached a better place. Sometimes, I silently scolded myself for not seeing the warning signs. Sometimes, I bargained with God or anyone else who might be in charge up there. Bring him back to us. Please, just bring him back. Sometimes I felt angry. Why us? Why me? Why him?

Yes, I experienced a range of emotions before making peace with the loss. But one thought that never ever (not even for one second) crossed my mind was this ill-informed opinion that suicide is selfish. Suicide is a lot of things, but selfish isn't one of them.

Suicide is a decision made out of desperation, hopelessness, isolation and loneliness. The black hole that is clinical depression is all-consuming. Feeling like a burden to loved ones, feeling like there is no way out, feeling trapped and feeling isolated are all common among people who suffer from depression.

People who say that suicide is selfish always reference the survivors. It's selfish to leave children, spouses and other family members behind, so they say. They're not thinking about the survivors, or so they would have us believe. What they don't know is that those very loved ones are the reason many people hang on for just one more day. They do think about the survivors, probably up until the very last moment in many cases. But the soul-crushing depression that envelops them leaves them feeling like there is no alternative. Like the only way to get out is to opt out. And that is a devastating thought to endure.

Until you've stared down that level of depression, until you've lost your soul to a sea of emptiness and darkness... you don't get to make those judgments. You might not understand it, and you are certainly entitled to your own feelings, but making those judgments and spreading that kind of negativity won't help the next person. In fact, it will only hurt others.

As the world mourns the loss of Robin Williams, people everywhere are left feeling helpless and confused. How could someone who appeared so happy in actuality be so very depressed? The truth is that many, many people face the very same struggle each and every day. Some will commit suicide. Some will attempt. And some will hang on for dear life. Most won't be able to ask for the help that they need to overcome their mental illness.

You can help.

Know the warning signs for suicide. 50-75% of people who attempt suicide will tell someone about their intention. Listen when people talk. Make eye contact. Convey empathy. And for the love of people everywhere, put down that ridiculous not-so-SmartPhone and be human.

Check in on friends struggling with depression. Even if they don't answer the phone or come to the door, make an effort to let them know that you are there. Friendship isn't about saving lost souls; friendship is about listening and being present.

Reach out to survivors of suicide. Practice using the words "suicide" and "depression" so that they roll off the tongue as easily as "unicorns" and "bubble gum." Listen as they tell their stories. Hold their hands. Be kind with their hearts. And hug them every single time.

Encourage help. Learn about the resources in your area so that you can help friends and loved ones in need. Don't be afraid to check in over and over again. Don't be afraid to convey your concern. One human connection can make a big difference in the life of someone struggling with mental illness and/or survivor's guilt.

30,000 people commit suicide in the United States each year. 750,000 people attempt suicide. It's time to raise awareness, increase empathy and kindness, and bring those numbers down.

It's time to talk about suicide and depression.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Follow Katie Hurley on Twitter: www.twitter.com/katiefhurley

MORE:

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I AM THE TRUTH: the one who came to set you free.  As the Holy Spirit controls your mind and actions more fully, you become free in Me. You are increasingly released to become the one I created you to be. This is a work that I do in you as you yield to my Spirit. I do my best handiwork when you sit in the stillness of My Presence, focusing your entire being in Me. 
Let My thoughts burst freely upon your consciousness, stimulating abundant Life. I am the way and the truth and the life. As you follow Me, I lead you along paths of newness: ways you never imagined. Don't worry about what is on the road up ahead. I want you to find your security in knowing Me, the one who died to set you free. 


                                                                             John 8:32, Philippians 2:13, John 14:6

                     "Hold My Hand-And Trust"




    So long as your conscious of My Presence with you, all is well. It's virtually impossible to stumble while walking in the light with Me. I designed you to enjoy me above all else. You find the deepest fulfillment of your heart in Me alone. Fearful, anxious thoughts melt away in the Light of My presence. When you turn away from Me, you are vulnerable to the darkness that is always at work in the world. Don't be surprised by how easily you sin when you forget to cling to My hand. In the world, dependency is seen as immaturity. But in My Kingdom, dependence on me is a prime measure of maturity. 

                                   Isaiah 41:10/Psalm 62:5-6

 

                            "Change Yourself, Not Your Spouse"


  I learned my lesson in my marriage to change you first. My ex-husband had issues and I tried to change him. I was always trying to change myself and grow from my mistakes. I read a lot of self-help books, but I would try to diagnose him myself and tell him what he needs to change and where he needs to grow, but he wasn't interested in changing so I finally learned that you can only change yourself. So, this is what I've learned. 

 It's hard on a marriage or relationship when one person is the only one doing the growing and changing. Your up here and he's down here. That's not saying I'm above him or better than he is. He just wasn't ready to see and change what he could. We all need to be reading or searching self-improvement to change ourselves, look at ourselves and better love ourselves so that we can be better for those in our lives. If we want to influence change in our spouse we must first begin to change our own negative patterns which may contribute to the relationship problems.

 I know the issues I had and was never ashamed to admit them. I know I'm not perfect and I wasn't a perfect Wife or Mother. I didn't really have a good role model growing up, so I learned through books and wisdom from other married woman. Try not to complain or nag about the issues that need to be dealt with. Try to set a time to sit and discuss it seriously and make it clear that you are willing to love yourself enough to leave the relationship if these issues cannot be worked out.

 Try not to interrupt or correct when your partner speaks. Each person has the right to their own perception.  We cannot truly know another person’s perception if we are too busy defending our own and needing to have the last word. I have that issue. It's hard to break habits so it takes patience and practice. The definition of defensive is being closed to new information. Connection and understanding can only come from listening. When we truly listen we will better know where we can be more flexible and where we need to hold our limits. I was very defensive because I hated to be wrong. I wanted to be that perfect spouse and hated that I had flaws. I still do, but I've learned and am still learning. 

Don't start the conversation out of a negative place, start by expressing how you want things to be.  When we are clear about what we want this keeps things moving forward into a new solution and a new direction. There is nothing more off putting than constantly hearing how unhappy someone is. It is much better to hear what someone wants.

 Maintain the privacy and confidentiality of what your partner shares with you and refrain from sharing all your issues with friends and family. When nothing is private it allows other people’s opinions to effect and damage our own perception of our relationships and it can serve to make others not like your partner. 

 Give your partner undivided attention and love. We need to put down the phone or magazine and turn off the TV. Intimacy can only happen when people are taking time to genuinely connect and love each other. Talking, playing, being sexual and spending uninterrupted time is often all the relationship needs to repair and enliven.

 Make an effort to consistently show your partner what they have to say is of great importance to you. To be acknowledged, heard, loved, recognized and understood are the basic things we all need from those we love. It is easy to get lazy when we are in love but it is the last thing we should do. It shows a lack of gratitude for this great love we have in our life. 

Many of us are so focused on our partner being our ‘enemy’ because they are not perfectly meeting our needs that we create unnecessary chaos to actually feel something. If we are doing this, then we are not anchored enough in loving ourselves. If we truly love ourselves we will be less needy of our partners and have less of a need to pick at them to change. The best gift you give to any relationship is to take full responsibility for loving yourself. In this way, you will have the ability to practice loving someone else in a more mature and independent way.

                                   "Relax in my healing"


  Relax in my healing, holy presence. Be still, while I transform your heart and mind. 
 Let go of cares and worries, so that you can receive My peace. Cease striving and know that I'm God.  
 Do not be like pharisees who multiplied regulations, creating their own form of "godliness." They got so wrapped up in their own rules ans lost sight of Me. Even today, man made rules about how to live the Christian life enslave many people. Their focus is on their performance, rather than on Me.
 It is through knowing Me intimately that you become like Me. This requires spending time alone with Me. Let go, relax, be still, and know that I'm God.  

 The world is to much with you, My child. Your mind leaps from problem to problem,  tangling your thoughts in anxious knots. When you think like that, you leave Me out of your world view and your mind becomes darkened. Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you. When you turn from your problems to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Circumstances may not have changed but we carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to "fix" everything gives way to deep, satisfying connection with me. Together we can handle whatever this day brings.

                                                    Isaiah 41:10, Zephaniah 3:17; Psalm 34:19

Finding Me

 Approach each new day with desire to find Me. Before you get out of bed, I have already been working to prepare the path that will get you through this day. There are hidden treasures strategically placed along the way. Some of the treasures are trials, designed to shake you free from earth- shackles. Others are blessings that reveal My presence: sun-shine, birds, flowers, friendships,answered prayer. I am still richly present in it, Search for deep treasure as you go through this day. You will find me along the way.

                                             (Colossians 2:2-3; Isaiah 33:6)