My sister, my best friend passed away on Feb. 14th. I'm still in shock. I just look at her photos and shake my head in disbelief. I still can't believe my best friend is gone. She was all I had left. These past 2 years have been so bad. I lost both my dogs and then my third one I had to leave with the boys. I lost my kids. I lost my marriage of 17 years. I lost my house and furniture. Now I've lost my sister. I just can't deal with all this grief. I don't know how to deal with it.

 I've never lost anyone close to me besides my Jada who is in heaven. She was never born so  I didn't even get to see her. I can't see my kids because they're about 2-3 hours away. These past 2 years have been so difficult dealing with losing them. Learning to live life again after 17 yrs. of being a mom. They were my life and the reason I live. I mean they still are but I just can't see them often. My beautiful daughter moved to California with her boyfriend. I'm happy for her and that she gets a chance to experience life and be happy but I just wish she chose to do that here with me. My oldest son, Brian as I talked about before on here is starting to come see me. Now I just need Joshua to come visit but I hear he's not allowed so I'm at a complete loss how a parent can keep their kids from the other parent. I hear from the grapevine that she's very strict on them like the father is. They're both military so I figured as much, but it makes me sick. I think he doesn't call me because he just doesn't know what to say to me. This is why I asked Dwayne for the house phone number but he won't give it to me. This way I could call him, but he's trying to keep them away from me. What can I do? He'll call me soon.

 Those little things It just kills me to be away from like, my Joshua is the youngest and he was afraid of storms, so he would come in on my bed with me. Brian was afraid to, but not as bad. He would even go out on the porch and we would watch the lightning and he would record it and take pictures of it. I was scared to death to be outside like that and told them we shouldn't be out here when it's lightening out. I miss my babies and I just always had that sick feeling knowing Joshua needed mama when it was storming out. I know he needs me period in his life and it just kills me that I can't be.

 So, anyway I am so missing my sister already and we're gonna have a service for her here in a few days. I wrote something about her and I'm going to read it. If I can without crying. I know she's at peace now and her struggle with addiction and her health is over. The report came back that she died from kidney disease, COPD, overdose on alcohol and pills, and the stroke. She had too much going on at once. She also had pneumonia and she had heart disease. I feel the stroke was from the overdose. I knew what she was doing and I just couldn't stop her. It kills me that I was so helpless. Addiction runs big time in our family and I'm just not ashamed to talk about it because it's a brain disease like any other disease and the addict can't stop on just will power alone. But I also hate that she was with an abusive boyfriend. I tried to get her to stay away from that asshole. She deserved so much better. So, anyway, thank you all who donated and are still donating and thank you for your prayers and support in this difficult time in my family's life.