I miss my babies!!! I can't deal with this whole inside me from not seeing my kids. They live 3 hrs. from me and I don't drive yet. I've had issues with driving since my bad car accident. I'm  getting my license so I can go see them. You think my ex-husband would pay for them to come see me. You think he would tell them that they need to be with their mother. My daughter told me that after I left, he put stuff in their heads and kept talking bad about me to them. How just wrong is that?? 

Well, Joshua and Brian if you read this, just know that I love you both and miss you both so so much. I have this hole in my heart because I MISS you both so much and want to see you. It's been almost 2 yrs. since I've seen you. I had to leave because it was getting too violent between daddy and me. You's both know that. I'm not innocent but that's why I knew it was time. You guys don't need to see that. It wouldn't have stopped. I'm sorry for that. I love you both so much! I didn't want to leave so don't believe what your being told. I will always be here for you. Once I get my own apartment you's can come stay with me. I would so love that. I need to be with you both. Your both a huge piece of my heart and always will be. I love you both! I'm so proud of you both! Keep doing good! Love you both so much!!!

 I've had the mental illness Depression and anxiety since I was young. It's been with me since I was a little girl. I was diagnosed with Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. That doesn't make me crazy. I don't have bouts of being crazy either. Well, I guess I have had my moments of flipping out on abusive boyfriends and screaming at my kids. I hated myself for that. It was when I was abusing the pain meds  that I was on. I know they made me worse. I've gone through a lot of things in my life that has made my depression worse. Depression is horrible. Your brain doesn't produce serotonin. Serotonin is what makes you happy. The meds they put you on, is supposed to help you produce serotonin. It's hard to be this honest and open. You can't just make depression go away. Some people say just get over it but it's not like that. Ever since I was young, everyone could just look at me and see how depressed I was. I hated that. I had a lot of reasons to be depressed as well. I hated my home life and I hated school. I was a slow learner so that embarrassed me and made me cut school a lot with my friends. I would go out and drink a lot. Beer became my best friend. 

 I wouldn't go out unless I had some way to get beer. That made my depression and anxiety worse. I hated being a person that always looked depressed. Which is why I wanted my beer all the time. It made me happy and enjoy the night. It gave me courage to go dancing. I loved dancing.  It just made me a better person. Than I was introduced to cocaine. That was my true love. I had an abusive boyfriend who forced me to try cocaine and that was all it took was one line. I was hooked. We used all day and night. getting pregnant with my daughter made me quit. I stopped drinking to but as soon as I had her, I met another guy who used cocaine and so we started using and I just couldn't stop. I got into car accident and almost died. They were going to fly me to the hospital but the weather was to bad. If I had my seat belt on, I would have been crushed. I flew out of the car. The car was wrapped around a pole. I had a fractured pelvis and slipped disk in my back and neck. I had a head injury. Post-grade Amnesia and Retrograde Amnesia. I forgot some of my past and I can't retain new information. I drank and used cocaine a little more and than I finally woke up and realized that I almost died and my daughter needs me, so I finally stopped drinking and using cocaine cold turkey. 

 I've had to fight depression and anxiety my whole life. Having mental illnesses is just very hard but as the years went on, I got better with dealing with the depression. Having 2 sons and a daughter was the greatest gift I could get. I never knew a joy like that. They are my life and my joy and always will be. I still had to deal with the mood swings but it was hard being depressed when my kids are what gave me joy. They changed my life. I know that was my calling. It was hard knowing my kids gave me such joy but yet I was still depressed. They could see that. I started to isolate myself in my room. I hated that. I had to deal with such bad chronic back and neck pain. On top of that, Fibromyalgia. It was hard being a wife and mother. Trying to keep everything and everyone together while I was sick with too many things. Sometimes I had to play board games with my kids in my bed because my back can't deal with the chairs. I had to always lean my back on pillows. Anyway, I just thought I'd share some of what it's like to have all this. I go through it all in detail in my Memoir I'm writing. 

Depression and anxiety isn't fun to go through. It's hard dealing with that when you just want to be happy and enjoy life. That's what I'm trying to do now. Even though I haven't seen my sons in almost 2 yrs. now. It's killing me deep down that I haven't seen them. You think my ex would tell them go see your mom, I'll drive you there. They're almost 3 hours away. It hurts but I know I'll see them soon.