"Living With Chronic Pain" (Part 3)

                             "Don't get too close, it's dark inside, it's where my demons hide.
                                                                              Imagine Dragons

  It was a constant battle in my mind. I wanted that high and I also needed to get out of pain. Once you begin using pills to get high, you need to use more and more to just to feel that high. Your chasing a high that you won't get like you did the very first time. That's why it's called "Chasing The Dragon". You have to use more to maintain just so your body feels normal. You don't feel a high like you first did but it still feels good. All you think about is MORE and you watch the clock to see if it's time yet for your next pill. The pain was just so bad that I wasn't able to do a lot of things. Especially with my kids. I wanted to be out of pain so I could go do things with my kids. It was a battle doing housework. I have an OCD with cleaning. I would clean with my music blasted up high and dance and act crazy with the kids. Even though it hurt my back more, I still did it. I started doing aerobics and weight training when I was sixteen. I was addicted to exercise also. I would even dance for my aerobics. I love dancing. It was always a passion of mine to become a dancer. But, it was great exercise and it would hurt my back really bad but I had to lose weight. I didn't care how painful it was. I just thought after awhile the pain would get better instead of worse because I was strengthening my muscles. Little did I know, my Chiropractor told me that aerobics is good of course, but I should have strengthened my core first. So, I probably injured myself more. After I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I realized that's what made me stop exercising during my pregnancy with Joshua. When we lived in CA. I just got to exhausted and painful to keep up with my aerobics and Yoga.   It really made me angry that I had to stop. Not only did I have a good looking body and nice muscles, but it gave me the energy I needed and I knew it was helping my body not get worse.

 So, I became really depressed even more so than I was. Living with Chronic pain was just hard. I had pain I had to deal with even when I sleep. I couldn't sleep more than 4-5 hours because it would hurt my back and hips from laying to long. I have bad hip pain from the fractured pelvis I got from the car accident. My Chiropractor did x-rays of my pelvis and said I had a twisted pelvis. I don't see how that's possible but I need a second opinion on that. I have 2 herniated disks in my low back and bone spurs, which are painful, on my spine. I also have scoliosis that I was born with. The drs. said that causes more pain than a slipped disk. I have joint and disk disease which is really bad arthritis in my lower back.  I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I have plantar Fasciitis on my feet. which means they get very painful from standing after just 5 min. I have Migraines which have lessened but I get spinal headaches I call them because I can't lean my back against anything or it goes right to the back of my head and causes an explosive headache. It lasts 3 days at times. I have a broken coccyx bone which makes it hard for me to sit long. I def can't sit on those hard chairs.

 I have lived with this chronic pain since I was 19. I would do things like go to the zoo for my kids even though it killed me. I forced myself to do a lot of things to take the kids places. After they got older, my pain got worse and worse. So, I'm glad I was able to do a lot of things with them before I got this bad. It's very depressing having to live in pain all the time. I grew up with severe depression and anxiety and that got worse of course because of me and my husband arguing a lot. There were a lot of times my own husband would say I was faking it. That really hurt. I mean it's hard enough dealing with this pain and hating the fact that I can't do much besides stay in bed, let alone having someone who supposedly loves you, say your faking it. Yeah, I wish I was faking. Having your own husband who lives with you and sees the pain your going through and begging for back rubs because it was worse at night, and than him go and say that your faking it to our friends at church and our own kids. Instead of supporting me, he just made up lies and started to put the focus on him.

 The counselor we were seeing together and I also saw her on my own, she explained to him that I had PTSD, from being raped 3 times and being with abusive men and my father. She said I have Bi-polar, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. So, he started to focus on having PTSD himself. From being in Iraq. Now, I told him he may have that and than he just forgot all about me and started telling everyone that he had PTSD and he just always talked about himself. It was always like that. He either always talked about being a Soldier or Fireman. It just got really old. I was always there to support him and listen but he never was for me. He didn't understand Addiction and didn't care to learn about it and support me. Even the kids got sick of hearing him. Yeah, after things got worse with him throwing things at me and his yelling scaring the kids he told me to get out. I knew I could stay but I also knew it was a bad idea because it was really affecting the kids and myself. The stress and anxiety made my pain worse. I screamed at him so I'm not saying I was perfect. It was hard not to scream back when he would say the most cruel things to me in front of the kids.

 Anyhow, the last 2 years I was still living there, my addiction got so bad that I had to put myself in rehab. I was withdrawing really bad because I failed the doctor drug test. I took some Percocet's that was left over from my sons surgery. He was done them so I took them and he saw them on the drug test and he kicked me out as a patient. I went through the pure evil and hell of withdrawing. I swore I'd never touch those again because the hell of withdraw is just pure evil. I hated my kids seeing me like that but I told them this is what you'll go through if you get hooked on pills. You get a constant runny nose, chills real bad, sweats, leg cramps and your skin feels like it's on fire. You want to punch your legs cause the pain is just horrible. It just feels like the flu, only ten times stronger! But I knew it was time to get off those,. I didn't want those to damage my liver or kidneys and I knew it was causing me to have serious mood swings. I would get angry easily. I got off them and was clean for two years before he kicked me out. I was going to meetings and did 4 different meetings. It was very hard at first because after being on pills all my life basically, since I was 19, that's all I knew. I now had no pills. I was on 2 opiates and a muscle relaxer that was also addicting. Soma. I loved the high I got from taking all those together. But, I was used to popping a pill when I was in pain, when I was stressed or upset, when I was bored or angry. I used all kinds of excuses. So, I would take Tylenol and Motrin but I knew too much Tylenol was bad so I couldn't take a lot. It was just hard not having any pills.  

 It was just really hard dealing with pain everyday and all day. It would get worse at night but it was all day constant pain. I tried to not complain because I know how annoying that is. But, yeah, I suffer silently. I hate that it controls my life. The Fibromyalgia is just horrible. You have all kinds of ailments with that alone. It causes headaches, body aches, joint pain, you can't stand cold or hot weather, chest pain, and your skin is sensitive as well. My kids would joke around and hit me on my arm and I would yell with pain. It stings bad. There are many symptoms.

I have relapsed and got some pain pills and even started to snort them. Being away from my kids has took a big piece of my heart with them. I was lost when I left and moved back home with my parents. It felt like they were kidnapped. My ex-husband told them I wanted to leave. I was just so empty. I went from being a wife and mother, to nothing.  I can't see my sons because they live 3 hours away and my daughter moved to CA. with her boyfriend. It was so bad the first year home. I couldn't think of them or talk about them without crying bad. It was hard to look at pictures of them without breaking down and just thinking about my youngest son and needing mama. It was so bad that I got back to drinking again almost every night. I have the opportunity to write now. I've allowed the depression to make me not want to read or write. In order to write, you have to do a lot of reading as well. I had to get back on depression pills to help me. I also got a mood stabilizer for the bi-polar. I have mild bi-polar. Mainly the bi-polar depression. It will paralyze you. So, I have severe depression also because of being in pain a lot. I want to get back on pills because of the pain but I know I developed an addiction to them so it's not a good idea. I am working on my Memoir and doing my daily writing. I am doing a writing class now and it's helping me out. I just need to focus on that right now. I don't drive yet because the accident left me fearful. I am still very afraid and seeing all these accidents and the way people drive just kills me with fear. It's also my brain injury that has me worried about driving. I fear that I will mess up like not paying attention because I have a problem focusing on things.

I got addicted to snorting pills. This guy I was with started me on that. I told him to please never use in front of me because I was addicted to cocaine at one point and loved snorting it. So, he cut up the pill in front of me and sniffed it so that made me want to try it. I got really addicted though. I'm still off the alcohol and pills too. So, I need to stay from people who use and drs. that would be willing to give them to me. So, it's hard having pain and nothing to help but I know if I get back on them, it's pointless because you'll always have to go up in dose and your body just gets addicted to them and you feel worse pain because your body is used to them so you need higher doses and you start withdrawing after 4 hrs. Not bad withdraw because your still taking them but when you start withdrawing, I call it like thawing out. Your body feels everything. I felt worse back pain. I know when I stopped for those 2 years, my back hurt but not like it did when I was on them. I felt all kinds of pain while I was on them. So, I know it's just not worth getting back on them. I can't control my addiction so what's the point and getting on them and risking my addiction get worse? Drugs always leads to either jail or death. It's not worth it. A lot of addicts think they can control it their self but you just can't. I've quit alcohol and cocaine  by myself. I can stop on my own but I can't be around them or else it will get out of control and I'll start using again. My kids need me alive. I may not be able to see them now but I know things will change soon and I'll be able to see them and I need to be clean for myself and for them! I refuse to allow my addiction to control me or kill me. I also can't be a good writer if I'm using. So, I just thought I'd share my story for anyone struggling with chronic pain and or pill addiction.

 I know there are other ways like doing light aerobics and light weight lifting to help with pain. I can use other things to help instead of pills. I've tried to needles in my back but that didn't work. I know eating healthy and not smoking can help as well. I'm staying focused on what exercises my chiropractor taught me to do and losing some of this belly will help with back pain. I gained some weight over the last 4 years. It's been hard but I'm sticking with the program and staying focused on my writing. Writing is my passion and I can't wait to publish this book!!

                          "Living With Chronic Pain"  (Part 2)

 I've had to deal with living with pain all my life. I was on pain pills for seventeen years. Since I was 19. That's when I got in the car accident. I had a slipped disk in my back and one in my neck. Later on, I got another slipped disk in my low back and all the ones in my neck are slipped. That's seven I believe in the neck. It may be because of the exercises I did. I used weights to do crunches with my abs, so I may have got them from those. My back and neck pain got worse over the years. So did my brain injury. Because of the car accident, I got Post-grade and Retro-grade Amnesia. I couldn't remember the car accident and other things in my past. I also have a hard time retaining new information. It's almost like on 50 First Dates. It's like my slate gets wiped clean after I go to bed. I sometimes forget what I did or something I learned. If I read an article or wrote one, I forget what it was about or I have a hard time explaining what I learned to someone. I'm just very forgetful and that comes with age but top it off for me, it's my brain injury as well.

 I have severe back pain that I still have to deal with. Like I said before, I was on pain pills for seventeen years. I went from Darvocet, Percocet, Oxycontin, Morphine, and than Opana. A lot of people get addicted to them. Your body becomes addicted first. Your body becomes immune to them and you have to go up in dose. I would watch the clock because it says every 4-6 hours, so I would take them every four hours. Than I started taking two at once. That clock became my life. I was addicted but I was in serious pain as well. Little did I know back than that it's like a roller coaster. You just need to go up in dose and I would tell the doctor that my pain is really bad and these pills are not helping. It was true but I would exaggerate how bad the pain was. Little did I know that they really do stop working because your body is immune to them by now.

 Than, I would tell the doctor again that they weren't helping. I would wait like three months or so before I told him they weren't helping. Than he chose to put me on Percocet's. I got really out of control with those. I would take them every four hours and sometimes two every four hours. When I would run out early, I would tell the doctor it was because I took them every four hours instead of every six hours, which would mean that you run out faster because he didn't give me the right amount of pills for every four hours. So, I was than up to fifteen percs a day. My husband was stationed in Ft. Irwin, CA. at the time. I just had Joshua, my youngest son. I took them while I was pregnant but it was before I got out of control. I hated being on them while I was pregnant but with my pain, it was just unbearable and they thought I would be bed ridden during my whole pregnancy.  I wasn't and I know because the pills did help me. I still had Brian to chase around. He was 3-4 at the time.

 I did get out of control after I had him and the doctor figured out I was developing a problem with them, so he offered me to go to rehab. I wanted to but I just couldn't leave my kids like that. They would have to watched by a stranger because my husband had to work. So, I had to battle myself and discipline myself into just taking them the way I'm prescribed to. I did and I did good. I was able to just stop and take them right. My kids needed me awake and functional not all messed up and tired all the time because the pills make you tired. I did it on my own though.

 When we left CA., we ,moved back to North Carolina. I was put on Oxycontin. That was a bad idea. I really got addicted to those. They were so strong that as I was walking to the bathroom, I fell asleep and busted my head on the entertainment stand. I had a huge bruise from it. I kept falling asleep, even while I was going to the bathroom. Than my body got immune to them. They bumped up the doses from 20 mg. to 40 mg. Later on they put me on Morphine. I was really addicted to those to. I had to watch that I didn't run out early and when I did, I didn't tell the doctor. I just had to deal with withdraw. I had to do that a lot. Even when I was on Percocet's, I ran out like a few days early. Than it would turn into a week early so I had to suffer withdraw. They bumped me up to Opana's. I was told that these meds were meant for someone with cancer. I know the pain I felt was like having cancer. I had deep bone pain. They had me on Opana 20 mg. one a day and than 40 mg. Opana up to four times a day. I was really addicted but I really couldn't see that because the pain was bad and I knew I had no choice but to stay on pain meds. Otherwise I just couldn't do things because of the pain.

 My addiction didn't effect my kids in the sense, I didn't go out drinking and partying. I wasn't real high on pills to where I couldn't take care of my kids so I figured there was no problem. I knew people on the "Intervention" show, they were taking like 50 pills a day and some more than that. They were also drinking and or smoking pot. I was only taking two pills a time and I was taking them every 2 hours. I saw no harm in what I was doing because I was functional and able to do housework and take care of my kids. Little did I know though, that it did cause me to have serious anger issues and it was making me too tired to want to play with my kids. So, I started seeing how it was affecting me as a Wife and Mother. It was a constant battle in my mind. I'll explain more in part 3.

                                          "Living With A Chronic Illness"



     When I opened my eyes, all I saw was dark and rain drizzling on me. I looked around to see what happened and where I was. I was on the wet ground and realized that we were in a car accident. I tried to get up but some pain was stopping me from moving. I had a severe pain by my pelvis. I heard Dave call for me. He came by my side holding his rib.  

 "Lisa, stop moving your hurt. You may hurt yourself more if you keep trying to get up. Just lay still until the ambulance gets here". 
 "Are you OK?" I asked Dave. 
 "My ribs hurt. Think I broke some ribs." 

I wasn't afraid of dying at all for some reason. I remember that I hated laying in the wet mud. The fire station was right across the street so they were fast getting there. I was going in and out of consciousness. I heard the sirens and I than remembered them cutting my clothes off. It upset me because I was saying "no, not my favorite daisy duke shorts and half top." Only I would be dying and only care about my clothes, ha ha. 

 The next memory was them asking Dave for my parents phone number and one of them said, "she's not gonna make it." I could have went into shock with him saying that. My husband had told me they're not aloud to say that but he did. I still wasn't worried. I kept going in and out but for some reason I wasn't worried. I truly believe my Angel was there to keep me alive and I guess she kept me calm. My next memory was waking up in the hospital and they were pushing me on the gurney and my parents were there. My dad always worried about me brushing my teeth when I was growing up and so he asked the nurse if all my teeth were broken out. She said no, it's just blood and mud that make it look like that. Only my Daddy. So, I remembered them moving me from the gurney to the MRI machine because I screamed in pain! Laying on that hard board killed my back. Then I remember them putting a breathing tube down my throat. They told me to swallow as they were putting it in. I hated that. That was the worst. 

 Dave and I were drinking that night and he smoked pot. It was storming out and his parents ran out of gas coming back from the beach, so we had to go bring them some gas. It was pouring out so I was afraid and laid down on his lap. We came up to a light but the lights were all out, so he just went on. We were hit on my side and the car went airborne and than hit a curb and than wrapped around the pole. I fell out of the car while it was airborne. I landed by the drivers side. If I had my seat belt on, I would have been crushed. 

 I was in the hospital for a week.  I had a fractured pelvis and herniated disk in my low back. I also had retrograde and post grade amnesia. I wasn't allowed to see my face for the first three days. That really scared me. I had cut marks all over my face from the glass. I had glass in my hair and blood. I had cuts all over and bruises. When the car was airborne, I fell out. So, I had a huge black and purple bruise from my booty up to the middle of my back some. I had a deep long gash down the side of my thigh and the same exact one on my other thigh. I hated when the nurses would come in my room at 2 am and have to clean my wounds. That was the worst pain! They had to pour distilled water in it and that medicine. It was painful. Dave's mom took better care of me than the nurses. I had glass in my hair and blood and so she brought in dry shampoo and washed my hair and got all the glass out. She also let me see my face with the mirror she brought. I wasn't able to walk, so the first three days I couldn't see it because I had to use a potty pan. When I saw my face, my heart broke. I had slashes and cuts all over my face. I felt sick. I prayed and had faith God would heal most of them. I couldn't walk for the first 3-4 days. Than they started me in therapy basically teaching me how to walk again. I had to use a walker. 

  I had to use a walker to walk for the first 2 months. Than I went to crutches for 2 months and than one crutch for a month. I couldn't hold my daughter either when I was home. I hated having to just lay in bed and have everyone wait on me and take care of my daughter. My sister helped and she was a home nurse, so she cleaned my wounds and helped. I couldn't lift my daughter because it would have put strain on my pelvis. I had to get on pain medication for the back pain and the sciatic nerve that would shoot down my leg. It is horrible pain to have to deal with. 

 It was such a struggle dealing with back pain everyday and trying to chase my daughter around. I know it woke me up. I was doing cocaine and drinking every night. This accident woke me up. I could've left my daughter without a mother and I am so thankful to God that we didn't have her with us. We would always bring my daughter over there. His mom loved her and always played with her. So, thanks be to God that my mom watched her that night. I stopped cold turkey cocaine and alcohol. I hated being in pain. It made me miserable. I had to learn how to deal with it. The pain meds helped some. I always did aerobics and weight training and so I couldn't do that for awhile. When I got back into it though, I could tell it helped my pain. It was making me feel better so I stuck with doing it. 

  

10 Things Your Husband Hates

10 Things Your Husband Hates

Kimberly Wagner | 08.19.14
Twitter: @KimberlyWagner7

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My husband and I spent many years in a miserable state. I'm ashamed to tell you that this list is a result of some of the ways I was guilty. Several, actually. I'd love for you to learn from the mistakes that I made over the years.

He hates when you throw him under the bus in public.

When you point out his faults, criticize, or correct him, you make him feel like an idiot in front of others—and that's demeaning. Don't embarrass him in any way (especially in front of your children). Would you want him to do that to you?

He hates when you remind him of his past failures.

It's something that was settled long ago (or maybe just last week), and you just can't seem to let it go. We've all failed. Let go of things that have already been worked through and settled. If there are unresolved issues that were never dealt with biblically, don't bring them up as a bully club, but take steps to graciously resolve them and move on!

He hates when you unload on him as soon as he walks in the door.

One thing I can't stress to wives enough—HUG your man when he comes in from work! Greet him with a kiss and some love. Give him an encouraging word, and hold off on letting him know what a tough time you've had. He has had a long day. (I know you have as well, but I'm not talking to him. I'm talking to you.) He's been hit with challenges that you haven't faced, and perhaps he fought battles you'll never know about. Be what makes it all worth coming home to.

He hates when you expect him to be just like your girlfriend.

He's probably not a crafter, a scrapbooker, or a fan of spending five hours at the mall. An afternoon in the nail salon is probably not his idea of fun. He's not going to communicate with you like your best friend or want to know the complete story you want to tell. Down to the Very. Last. Detail. Appreciate him for being a man, and leave the girl stuff to your girl friends.

He hates when you expect him to read your mind.

Just tell him. Don't play those mind games where you're thinking: If he really loved me, he'd know that I want him to . . . (fill in the blank). I wouldn't have to tell him! Your husband will be so grateful if you'll ditch the mind-reading game and just have some honest and gracious communication.

He hates when you treat him like your child.

Men know that they don't think like we do. They know that it can be challenging to measure up to our expectations or desires. When they forget to close the lid on the toilet, it's not because they want to irritate us. When they take the long route because they forgot the right exit, it's not because they want to burn that extra gas. When we talk to our husbands in the same tone we would use with our children, it is disrespectful. And that's a sin.

He hates when you unload the big guns at 11 p.m.

Don't wait until bedtime to bring up a topic of discussion that has the potential to put the two of you on opposite side of an all out battle until near dawn. If you need to have a conversation that has the potential for major conflict or emotion, do it early in the evening (or maybe save it for a morning when he's home). Respect his need to get some rest.

He hates when you compare him to that "perfect guy" at church.

Your husband may not seem as "spiritual," may not treat you the same way you see that "perfect guy" treat his wife, he may not sound as knowledgeable, or seem as interested in the sermon. But your husband probably has some worthy qualities that you may be missing because you're so focused on what he's "not." Quit comparing him to other men—what good can come from you doing that? Why not ask God to open your eyes to see things that you've not yet appreciated about him?

He hates when you give him the silent treatment.

Whenever you use the silent treatment to manipulate him, it harms both of you. The silent treatment is a hostile punishment tool. Don't make things more difficult by clamming up or stuffing your anger. If you're hurt or angry, first go to God and ask Him to search your heart to see if the anger is righteous or if there is some offense that needs to be discussed. Talk it out with your husband. Be honest and humble in your communication and remember—he's not your enemy!

He hates when you use sex as a weapon.

The gift of sexual intimacy is to be an expression of unselfish love. It's a physical demonstration of spiritual unity. Don't withhold yourself to punish your husband, and don't use your intimacy as a bribing technique. Honor your marriage bed as sacred, and love your husband well.

Have I sounded harsh today? I hope not, I just know how easy it is to slip into a disrespectful attitude that morphs into ugly treatment of those we love most. I'm challenging all of us today to set aside any of these things that are a common, but destructive, tendency in marriage. And they are not God-glorifying.

Do you see yourself anywhere in this list? If you do, I hope you'll spend some time seeking God. Ask Him to show you specific things you need to ask your husband to forgive you for, and share that with him.

You can see our marriage video or listen to our story at Revive Our Hearts. If you invite your husband to join you, it might open up a discussion where you can reach a better understanding of his needs.