extroverts, it’s us again, the introverts.

                                     9 Rules for Being with us introverts

You know, those quiet friends of yours who listened to your tearful story about the fight you had with your boyfriend — without interrupting even once? Those friends who let you be the center of attention at every party — and don’t try to steal the spotlight?

We want to say upfront that we introverts really like being friends with you extroverts. You pull us out of our introverted bubble, and you get us to do things we probably wouldn’t do on our own.

Without you, we’d probably spend every weekend in our pajamas watching Netflix, only making contact with another human when we open the front door to the Jimmy John’s delivery guy.

We usually have a good time when we’re hanging out with you. When you’re around, we don’t have to do the heavy lifting to make conversation happen.

One minute we’re shut off from the world writing fan fiction for Harry Potter in our heads. Then you come along, and suddenly we’re laughing and having fun and comfortably opening up about ourselves. How do you do that?

We’ve never sat down to talk about this, and that’s probably our fault, because we don’t really like to sit down and talk about anything. But to make our lives easier — and to avoid confusion and misunderstanding for you — there are a few rules we think all extroverts should abide by when they’re friends with introverts:

1. Don’t text us and ask us to be ready to hang out in 10 minutes.

We get it. Sometimes things happen spontaneously. But spontaneity should be the exception, not the rule. We need waaaay more than 10 minutes to mentally prepare ourselves to be with people. The amount of time needed for that mental preparation varies from introvert to introvert, but a good rule of thumb is to ask at least a day in advance.

2. If we hung out with you yesterday, we don’t want to hang out again today.

No offense, but we need time to recharge after being with people. Even when we have fun, socializing is still draining.

3. If we think it’s just going to be the two of us hanging out, don’t invite three more people.

We do better one-on-one. A crowd of people means we’ll probably clam up and fade into the background all night. Plus, it’s a little hurtful when we feel like we’re just another warm body in your extrovert entourage. If we’re friends with you, it means you really mean something to us. We have a tiny inner circle of friends, and we don’t let in just anyone. We agreed to hang out because we want to spend time with you.

4. Don’t show up where we live without asking first.

This goes back to that whole “we need to be mentally prepared to see people” thing.

5. “Tired” is code for “we don’t want to be around people anymore.”

If we say we want to leave the party because we’re tired, it might not mean we’re literally having trouble keeping our eyes open. We might just be “tired” of being surrounded by people.

6. We like to listen because we’re good at it, but don’t take advantage of it.

We care, and one thing we can offer you is our superpower of listening. But this doesn’t mean you should launch into a monologue that lasts 20 minutes — even we have our limits. If we’re not saying anything, it probably means we’re processing what you’ve said — and that isn’t necessarily an invitation to keep talking.

7. If we don’t answer your text right away, it doesn’t mean we hate you, it just means we want to be left alone for a while.

For our own mental sanity, sometimes we need to completely disconnect from people in every way. We promise, once we’ve had time to ourselves to recharge, we’ll answer your text and be the friend you need.

8. If you call us, it better be because you’re bleeding or your cat died, or some other horrific emergency happened. Otherwise, don’t call us.

We hate talking on the phone. We’re pretty sure texting was invented by introverts who wanted to avoid all phone calls forever.

9. If we say we want to stay home, we really do just want to stay home.

So let us. And show some respect by not texting us 12 times with the intention of making us feel guilty or trying to change our mind.

 Don't be afraid to be who you are. I was crippled with depression and anxiety for years and my low self-esteem kept me from writing this Memoir. Still does cripple me but not as bad. I was so afraid to let people see the real me, but I have a story to tell that if it only helps one woman than I did my job. Don't let other peoples opinions scare you into not being yourself or not doing something you want to do. If your loved ones don't believe in you, believe in yourself. Have the courage to just live your life for you, nobody else. This is your life and you need to be true to yourself and love yourself. So what if people talk or tell you they don't believe you can. Know yourself and do what your passion is with no regrets or fear. Let people talk. Your better than that. Just keep going and never give up. Be easy on yourself and love who you are with no need to explain. 

Loving Ourselves First

  If someone leaves you and you just can't deal with being alone, that's the first clue that you don't love yourself. We get into relationships and give our all to it and nothing to ourselves. I mean it's OK to be upset and miss him for awhile but not long. It's good to give and love but you need a healthy amount. You need to come first to yourself. If your constantly thinking about when he's coming home and you hate when he's away from you, that's not healthy. It's ok to miss him but not be so obsessed over when he's coming back so you can feel at one with each other again. 

 If he breaks up with you and you can't eat, sleep, or think without him than that's not healthy. You don't love yourself enough to know that it was just meant to be and there's nothing you can do to change his mind. Breakups are the most painful because that person is choosing to not be with us anymore. We end up thinking, "what is wrong with me?" "Why won't anyone stay with me?" We gave so much of ourselves that there's nothing left for us. Once we're out of those relationships, we're left with ourselves. We need to learn how to nurture ourselves and understand that that wasn't only relationship left in the world. To have healthy love we learn that we have to love ourselves in order to have healthy love with someone else. 

 That time alone is perfect for you to focus on what you need to change in a relationship because we have flaws and things we need to change. You can read self help books. They help you see what you need to do more or less. I read a lot books and learned. You can't change overnight but at least you recognize your faults and you learn what you need to change. It helped me a lot see the things I was doing wrong. Even though you kind of know, it still helps you and you will notice things and grow from it. You deserve to receive as much as you give. Don't loose yourself in a relationship and only focus on giving him love and attention. You have to love yourself and learn how to nurture yourself.

                                                                                                                                          Lisa Palmer

 I've had the mental illness Depression and anxiety since I was young. It's been with me since I was a little girl. I was diagnosed with Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. That doesn't make me crazy. I don't have bouts of being crazy either. Well, I guess I have had my moments of flipping out on abusive boyfriends and screaming at my kids. I hated myself for that. It was when I was abusing the pain meds  that I was on. I know they made me worse. I've gone through a lot of things in my life that has made my depression worse. Depression is horrible. Your brain doesn't produce serotonin. Serotonin is what makes you happy. The meds they put you on, is supposed to help you produce serotonin. It's hard to be this honest and open. You can't just make depression go away. Some people say just get over it but it's not like that. Ever since I was young, everyone could just look at me and see how depressed I was. I hated that. I had a lot of reasons to be depressed as well. I hated my home life and I hated school. I was a slow learner so that embarrassed me and made me cut school a lot with my friends. I would go out and drink a lot. Beer became my best friend. 

 I wouldn't go out unless I had some way to get beer. That made my depression and anxiety worse. I hated being a person that always looked depressed. Which is why I wanted my beer all the time. It made me happy and enjoy the night. It gave me courage to go dancing. I loved dancing.  It just made me a better person. Than I was introduced to cocaine. That was my true love. I had an abusive boyfriend who forced me to try cocaine and that was all it took was one line. I was hooked. We used all day and night. getting pregnant with my daughter made me quit. I stopped drinking to but as soon as I had her, I met another guy who used cocaine and so we started using and I just couldn't stop. I got into car accident and almost died. They were going to fly me to the hospital but the weather was to bad. If I had my seat belt on, I would have been crushed. I flew out of the car. The car was wrapped around a pole. I had a fractured pelvis and slipped disk in my back and neck. I had a head injury. Post-grade Amnesia and Retrograde Amnesia. I forgot some of my past and I can't retain new information. I drank and used cocaine a little more and than I finally woke up and realized that I almost died and my daughter needs me, so I finally stopped drinking and using cocaine cold turkey. 

 I've had to fight depression and anxiety my whole life. Having mental illnesses is just very hard but as the years went on, I got better with dealing with the depression. Having 2 sons and a daughter was the greatest gift I could get. I never knew a joy like that. They are my life and my joy and always will be. I still had to deal with the mood swings but it was hard being depressed when my kids are what gave me joy. They changed my life. I know that was my calling. It was hard knowing my kids gave me such joy but yet I was still depressed. They could see that. I started to isolate myself in my room. I hated that. I had to deal with such bad chronic back and neck pain. On top of that, Fibromyalgia. It was hard being a wife and mother. Trying to keep everything and everyone together while I was sick with too many things. Sometimes I had to play board games with my kids in my bed because my back can't deal with the chairs. I had to always lean my back on pillows. Anyway, I just thought I'd share some of what it's like to have all this. I go through it all in detail in my Memoir I'm writing. 

Depression and anxiety isn't fun to go through. It's hard dealing with that when you just want to be happy and enjoy life. That's what I'm trying to do now. Even though I haven't seen my sons in almost 2 yrs. now. It's killing me deep down that I haven't seen them. You think my ex would tell them go see your mom, I'll drive you there. They're almost 3 hours away. It hurts but I know I'll see them soon.  

How to Love a Girl Who Doesn’t Know How to Be Loved.

Whether we know it or not, we’ve all met some form of the typical “Miss Independent.”

Some of us know her better than others; some of us claim that title ourselves.

She’s the self-sufficient, somewhat mysterious go-getter with big dreams and an even bigger heart, though not everyone sees it at first glance.

Some might see her as cold and distant, because she needs a significant amount of alone time to keep her from feeling scattered and spread so thin that she disappears. Sure, she has family and friends with whom she loves to spend much of her time, but it’s in her nature to crave those precious hours of solitude—being only with her thoughts, completely alone in a crowd or in the vastness of a quiet scene.

Some call it antisocial; she calls it sanity.

For any or all of these reasons and then some, she’s never been the type to “fall in love.” In fact, if she has ever been in a relationship to any degree, it was likely one of the most difficult and confusing things she’s ever experienced—and she’s not usually one to be deterred.

Perhaps she’s too focused on her goals to realize that love could be knocking on her door, or she’s so comfortable with being in control that the thought of surrendering even a little bit to someone else makes her uneasy. There’s also a chance that, despite her outward confidence and undeniable potential for success, she’s extremely insecure.

Or, maybe she’s simply afraid of opening herself up enough to be loved.

Whatever the reason, it comes down to the fact that this girl probably doesn’t know how to handle the love that a suitor might want to give her. It doesn’t mean she’s a lost cause, it just means that developing any kind of relationship with her will require an approach that’s more sensitive to her guarded heart.

In an effort to offer some insight, here are a few pointers for learning how to love a girl who doesn’t know how to be loved:

1. Be patient.

Don’t expect her to feel comfortable with diving headfirst into anything even slightly resembling romance. Keep in mind, it’s probably taken her a great deal of contemplation and courage to even consider spending her time with you. And if she does appear comfortable responding to your first moves, it’s quite possible that she’s actually terrified of what you’ll think of her if she asks to slow things down. So, she just musters the strength to submit herself to the moment, only to spend all night feeling horrible about her dishonesty and inability step on the brakes. This will freak her out enough to make her sever whatever ties were made and withdraw immediately—something she’s not afraid to do.

To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that feels natural, which might be slower than what’s considered “normal.” Remember, she’s not used to this, and too much at once will surely send her over the edge. Showing sensitivity to her pace will let her know that she doesn’t have to fear being out of control, causing a miscommunication or feeling the pressure of time.

2. Talk.

Because she spends so much of her time alone and in her head, this girl might be under the impression that her thoughts and opinions are a bit too intense for others. She rarely shares the things on her mind, as she fears that whatever’s in there is so deep and inquisitive that people will think it’s overdramatic, oddly philosophical orjust plain weird. She values deep conversation, but feels that she can exercise this pleasure with relatively few people, if any at all.

So talk with her. Let her know that she can say what’s on her mind, and don’t be afraid of her ability to dissect every possible meaning of a theory she’s been hung up on for weeks. If she apologizes for rambling about it, tell her she doesn’t need to be sorry, she doesn’t need to suppress it. Make her feel that although she is certainly unique for having such thoughts, she isn’t crazy or abnormal.

Tell her it makes her all the more beautiful.

And then, give it right back to her. Be sure to engage in her contemplations just as much as you listen; she wants to hear your thoughts more than you realize.

3. Support her.

Part of this girl’s struggle with letting herself be loved could be that she is relentlessly focused on her dreams and goals, so much so that she forgets to make room in her life for other things—like relationships. It’s not something she does intentionally, she’s just extremely determined to achieve whatever she has set out to do.

If she is forced to make a choice between a love life and her goals, she’s already chosen the latter. So don’t make her choose.

And certainly don’t make her feel guilty for not spending more of her time with you as a result—she’ll take that as another sign that she needs to sever the ties, even if they’re stronger at this point.

Instead, support her. If you really love this girl and she really loves you, then she’ll welcome the encouragement. She’ll want to support you, too. Let her; with a heart as passionate as hers, you’ll want her on your team.

4. Don’t be two halves of a whole, be two wholes that make an even greater whole.

Remember that this “Miss Independent” is just that—an independent chick with an ability to fend for herself. She might even be afraid of relying on others, no matter how much she trusts them.

Therefore, don’t think of a relationship with her as one that joins two halves together to make a whole; she won’t treat it as such, and she definitely won’t feel comfortable if you do. Rather, see it as two wholes becoming an even greater whole—two individuals who love each other enough to respect the other’s independence and uniqueness.

This includes honoring her need for alone time. She realizes that you are a person with or without her and asks that you see her in the same way. Being able to spend time apart is important to her; she doesn’t want to rely on your presence, nor does she want you to rely on hers.

Don’t try to spend every hour of every day with her unless you want her to feel so bombarded that she tailspins into a mess of tears, word vomit and utter confusion, ending with her breaking it off and swearing to never interact with another human ever again.

But when you are together, be together. Completely. Let her know she is loved until she begins to understand what that feels like, and then keep doing it. If it’s right, she’ll come around. And because she’s loyal by nature, she’ll stick around, too (so don’t give her any reason to think that you won’t).

Truly, this girl has a lot of love to give, even if she’s a bit awkward in showing it at first. She just needs time—time to figure things out for herself, to better understand how this works.

Let her figure out that deep down, she just wants to love and be loved—just like everyone else.

If she happens to let you close enough to love her, take it seriously. It means she’s trying. It means she wants to love you. And remember that helping her learn how to be loved in return is the surest way to win her heart.

        "Drugs have a power that you just can't believe"

 I just went to my cousins funeral today. He was in jail for stealing for his drugs. I just want to say that this is so sad how drugs have that deep a hold of us. Sometimes we just can't overcome that powerful voice inside of us that makes us go after that drug like others would go after their new job or position in their job. There is a powerful demon we have that others don't. It lies deep inside us waiting for that one trigger to set us off. We could be perfectly clean for years and all of a sudden it just hits us with this powerful force that we can't control. It doesn't care if we have kids, a good job, a spouse, or family. It doesn't let us think of that. It makes us selfish and we just go after it hard. 

 We have a brain that doesn't produce a lot of serotonin as well, and when your that depressed it's hard not to use that drug.  I've explained this in another blog. When your depressed all the time, this drug makes you happy because it triggers the serotonin and produces a lot of it. It hits the reward system. So, when we're without this drug, our body doesn't feel normal. We're depressed and we get anxious, bored, angry, or and our brain remembers that drug makes us happy. So, we go crazy trying to stay away but the drug just is just so powerful and will win. We know the consequences but it's not that we don't care, we care deeply about how it's effecting our lives and who it's effecting but we can't stop the urge. It takes over and so when we use, we get a blast of that serotonin that most people's brain produces enough of it, unlike ours, and we're stuck again. 

 When we stop using and we stat to withdraw, that is another major reason we can't stop. Withdraw is evil. It's a hell you don't want to experience. It's like the flu only five times that. It makes us go back to it. Your skin feels like it's on fire, you get constant chills and you get hot, your nose runs like crazy and you sneeze, your nauseated and vomit, you shake, you get diarrhea, your body feels like it's thawing out and it is.  Drugs numb you and your pain so when you stop, you feel everything plus some. Your back kills you. Withdraw is evil period. Nobody would wish that on their worst enemy. It's a constant pain and leg cramps that make you want to punch your skin. Drugs are no joke. Their evil itself. I've been through it several times. One time really bad for 2 weeks straight. 

 Addicts may be weak at not being able to say no to their drug, but we are very strong willed and go through a lot of pain and suffering. We go through a lot of heartache that most people would kill their self for. As an addict myself, I have judged other addicts by saying well, I would never do that in front of my kids or sell their food because I never did that. I didn't allow harm to come to them but it still took me from spending more time with them because the pills I was taking would make me sleepy. I'd have to take a nap. On top of that, having Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome also made me sleepy. I only took maybe 2-3 pills at a time when most addicts take 50 at once. I'm not saying I'm better than those that did though. I don't judge anymore because I've been where you do what you can to get you drugs. I know the desire and things it can make you do. It's sad that addicts get judged and it's just like someone who has cancer or heart disease. It's a chronic illness and so is addiction. They did MRI's on addicts and it shows our brains are different from those who aren't addicts. I'm not trying to glorify being an addict at all. I'm just expressing my opinion and facts on what I learned about addiction. Plus being an addict myself for over seventeen years. There are only two results of the addicts life, jail or you die if we don't stop. There is help but we need support from our family and friends not judgmental support. 

                                                "Things I've learned"


    I grew up with an older sister and younger brother. I was the middle child. The black sheep as they call us. I was a slow learner in school and they of course got good grades. I hated when a teacher would call on you to answer a question you didn't know the answer to or give you an assignment that you didn't understand how to do. Instead of me just asking for help, I would take a 0. I hated sitting in class for forty-five minuets. It just killed me. I started cutting classes especially when I knew we were doing a project that I had no clue how to do. I was just embarrassed. Nobody made fun of me, but I was worried about that. English was the only subject I was good at. I loved English and that's helped me with writing.

 During the eight grade, I went to a special school. Me and the girls and guys I cut school with went. They only had like five kids to a class and that was so they can help you better one on one. It helped a lot. I actually had a good teacher who would sit and explain math to me very well. I picked it up so much easier. We learned things there at Rose Hill School that the regular school didn't teach you. Like how to write checks out. I liked it. It's sad they closed it down though because we all did better there and school was from 9-2 pm. I liked those hours better.

 I've learned that it's not embarrassing to ask for help. I learned that I wasn't stupid just slower at learning that other kids. I had to go back to regular high school and I failed ninth grade and than tenth grade. I just quit school in the tenth because I was supposed to be in twelfth grade and I met a guy who I just wanted to spend all my time with, so I stopped going and stayed with him. When I was officially eighteen, I quit school. I moved in with Jerry but started going to night school. I took my GED and passed everything except math. So long story short, I decided to party instead of finishing my GED. But, now I'm in a writing course and doing good. It's my passion and I'm not giving up. I've learned my lessons. Writing is my passion and I will never give it up. I have a long story to tell and I do that in this Memoir I'm writing.

7 Steps to Inner Fulfillment

Many women feel overworked and under-appreciated. The simple life doesn't exist for us as we enter the work force, raise our children, commit to our partners and make our own way. However, this doesn't have to be experienced as exhausting or somehow unfair. Embrace all of this opportunity It is amazing how much stronger and capable we are then we ever knew. Look at the fact that no matter what struggles we come across, we keep going, because we have the will and strength to overcome it all. All of our greatest accomplishments, we once thought we may never achieve, we have because we kept on pushing through each challenge we faced. No matter what has felt beyond our control, nothing has ever made us less. Our resilience makes us more fulfilled and self-trusting.

7 Steps to Inner Fulfillment:

1. Self-loving: Fulfilled women do not count on others for their worth or self-satisfaction. They love themselves first, are able to self-soothe when life gets hard and continue to operate with a sense of composure. Life can be painful and challenging but because they are fulfilled and accept who they are flaws and all, they are able to tap into their own inner strength and continue forward with an attitude of faith that all things will work out in their favor.

2. Independent: Powerful women are driven, confident and in control of their emotions. They are not needy or desperate and have an "I don't care" attitude because they put themselves first in a healthy way. They do not depend upon others for their resources, are passionate about their lives and live out their defined purpose with commitment and fortitude, not letting outside influences take them away from what drives them deep within their soul. Fulfilled women have the confidence to go for it. They are not afraid of failure. They are not afraid of success. They are not afraid of the results of their efforts. Fulfillment allows them to take joy in the journey.

3. Discerning: Powerful women are selective about the company they keep. They are aware that negativity is contagious and drama producing, and therefore, are careful about who they spend their time with. They are committed to being in mutually beneficial relationships, love to give but can also receive and release those who do not have their best interest at heart.

4. Classy: Authentically happy women understand the concept of less is more. They know that intelligence, beauty, style and posture are their ways to communicate their worth. The take good care to be well-spoken, elegant, graceful, flirtatious and playful. When powerful women are present, their understated qualities are what make them stand out and shine. Confidence doesn't need for attention, it draws attention.

5. Nurturing: Women who are internally fulfilled do whatever it takes to get up in the morning to feed and nurture their children, their partner, their career, their passions, and most importantly themselves. No matter the challenges in their lives they continue to love and nurture those who depend upon them. This is essential to them, as mothering, whether they have children or not, is a part of who they are at their core.

6. Resilient: Genuinely happy women are focused, determined and they keep their efforts on their goal regardless of the distance it will take to fulfill it. Reinventing themselves is part of their DNA. They know they can pull it from where they don't have it when they are put on the line. They cry when they need to but because fulfillment is vital to their existence they never give up.

7. Other-oriented: Powerful women see the good in others. They see and value the beauty other people bring to their life and they find them interesting and people they can learn and grow from. They do not need all the attention for themselves because they enjoy celebrating the accomplishments of others as much as they love their own successes. They are aware that in life there is always enough for everyone. There is enough love, money, success and passion and so they do not engage in the wastefulness of jealousy. Women who are comfortable in themselves compliment often and love to make others feel valuable.

A woman who is fulfilled loves herself. She makes sure she fills her cup first because she is aware to give and receive in this world she has to be full and come from a place of knowing her worth. She is one who feels deeply and loves fiercely. Her tears flow just as abundantly as her laughter. A strong woman is both soft and powerful. She is both practical and spiritual. A woman who is fulfilled and comfortable in her own essence is a gift to the world.

Sherapy Advice: If you put yourself last fulfillment will never come. When you put yourself first you are an endless well of love and fulfillment for yourself and others. Love yourself.

                                                                                                                            Sherrie Campbell

You’re So Needy

BY WAYNE CONNELL1 COMMENT

“You could get better if you wanted to.” “You should just try harder.” “You’re being lazy.” “You need to be more motivated.” “You’re so needy.”

Have you ever heard any of these comments from friends and family members? Have you ever said one of these to someone living with illness or pain? Often when we come across someone who says he has been sick or in pain for a long time, we think he is either exaggerating or not doing something about it. After all, when most people get sick, they get some rest, take some medication and are soon back on their feet. So why can’t our loved ones do that, too?

What we usually do not realize is how much people do attempt to regain their health. They have seen many doctors, had tons of tests, tried lots of medications and have undergone an unknown number of procedures. Yet, as we all well know, doctors do not always have all the answers. In fact, as our modern medicine improves, chronic illness actually rises. Excellent medical care saves lives and thereby, increases the rate of chronic illness.

Many times, we view those living with pain and illness as if their situation is due to a lack of motivation or attitude. They ask for help and we think they need to help themselves. We tell them if they “would just try harder,” have a “better attitude” and use “mind over matter,” they would not be suffering. Suffering can come upon us suddenly or gradually over time. Sometimes the cause is never known or found. Yet, the way people are judged and mistrusted can sometimes have just as devastating an impact on the sufferer as the actual pain or illness.

Quite often, the healthiness or appearance of fitness can add even more disbelief to the situation, especially if you are the strongest man in the world or at least play one on screen. As the star of the popular television show, “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys,” Kevin Sorbo portrayed an invincible demigod. He relished living the part—putting in 14-hour days on set, doing his own stunts and relentlessly working out at the gym. Until one day, it all came to an abrupt end.

Kevin, IDA’s 2013 Inspiration Honors Award recipient, shared in his book, True Strength – My Journey from Hercules to Mere Mortal—and How Nearly Dying Saved My Life, what viewers didn’t know – he suffered three strokes from an aneurysm in his shoulder that had been radiating blood clots throughout his body, likely for months. He was left partially blind and entirely incapacitated at just 38 years old.

Every time I told someone my story, it was hard. (Doing so is uncomfortable to this day, but I have discovered it is also therapeutic.) People’s incredulous reactions always made me feel more helpless. Even the professionals, who hid their initial surprise and approached treatment with positive words and a great attitude, could not disguise their uncertainty at treating a young person for an old guy’s disease.

We should never treat our loved ones as if they have chosen to have this condition and quit taking part in the activities they enjoy and miss. This approach is incredibly misconstrued, because why would they choose to give up the things they love? Most of all, why would we tell someone debilitated by his illness, “You just don’t want to work,” “You just don’t want to go out for dinner” or “You just don’t want to play with your children,” when he wants those things for himself more than we could possibly want those things for him. The truth is, if we look a little closer, we might see that our friend or family member is fighting this illness every step of the way, with courage most of us may never experience.

IDA 2013 Corporate Honors Award recipient and co-founder of RE/MAX, Dave Liniger, has done more adventurous things in his life than almost anybody I know. He served in Vietnam, is an avid pilot, has raced in NASCAR, has sky dived and even tried to circle the globe in a balloon. Yet in 2012, it was not an adrenaline activity that almost took his life, but a staph infection. Dave, who was always a strong leader, became the one who was most in need of others. Even from the onset of the illness, he was having a tough time asking for help. Dave shared his experience in his book, My Next Step: An Extraordinary Journey of Healing and Hope.

I’m the kind of man who rarely, if ever, asks for help. In my mind, real men don’t need a hand from anyone—ever. In fact, I rather despised the thought of being dependent on someone else, so for me to suggest that I might be in need was actually a very big deal. I just had a gut feeling that something bad was about to happen.

Yet, Dave did understand that people asking for help were not needy but in need. Thirty years ago, Dave’s wife, and then fiancé, Gail was recovering from her injuries sustained in a plane crash. “Even though I’d adhered to the ‘leave no man behind’ philosophy since I was in the military, this was the seminal moment when I vowed to myself that it would be my policy for life. No one deserves to be alone when they are sick, helpless and unable to care for themselves.”

Dave is in recovery from his illness, and I believe he has learned that sometimes no matter how strong you may think you are, there are times when you need others. I like to say that there are times when you need someone to carry the other end of the board. Or maybe even carry you.

In the midst of our busyness, especially during the holidays, let’s remember those who live with illness, pain or disability. We may have a friend, family member, someone at church, at work or a neighbor. Often those living with a debilitating condition are isolated and feel lonely or forgotten. There are many, simple ways we can show our love that does not take much of our time. So, let’s show them they are important to us by sharing our love with them throughout the year!

Although our schedules can get crazy, we can prioritize and even give up a few things that really aren’t that necessary. We can remember them with a card, a surprise gift in the mail, a phone call, bring them a meal or arrange a visit. We can also offer rides to doctor appointments or ask what they need from the grocery store. We can make a point to invite them to join us for a holiday dinner or party. What a gift it would be to be included! They need us. And we need them, too. Together, we can shine a little light in a dark time in their lives. Let’s all envision a world where people living with illness, pain and disability will be Invisible No More!

How Procrastination Hurts Your Confidence

Posted on August 14, 2014 by Emily Roberts MA, LPC

Could your Candy Crush addiction hurt your confidence? They may not seem related but putting off a dreaded task or pushing away emotions can make procrastination a problem. Perhaps you avoid that project until the last minute, or feel lazy instead of motivated at the thought of another monotonous task and reach for the remote. Avoiding the work breeds more self-loathing thoughts and makes room for negative self-talk to arise, which makes your confidence plummet. 

Dopamine is a very powerful neurotransmitter, it makes you motivated and crave pleasure, which is a key part of procrastination. If a task has a higher, historical likelihood (or perceived future likelihood) of producing dopamine, our brain becomes addicted to reproducing these activities, and avoiding the others. Turning on a show that makes you laugh, instead of talking to a frustrating spouse, can create a habit of avoiding the conversation, and harboring those emotions until they are too big to keep in.

You don’t always need a prescription for change. In fact, most doctors would tell you to try to change your behaviors before popping a pill to help with procrastination. Your brain chemistry can change when you engage in new habits, new thinking styles, which means you will feel happier, proud, and more motivated.

4 Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Feel Proud

1. Focus on what is working. We often focus on what sucks, what we need to improve on, or what isn’t working. Change it up. If you notice that you are complaining (in your mind or out loud) start to notice what is going well. This can be challenging but try it. Say you’re feeling down because your job isn’t making you happy. Focus on what is going well: the sweet co-workers or your short commute. When you practice reminding yourself about the good things it enhances your capacity to feel good too.
2. Create a reward system. Setting small goals, breaking up tasks and rewarding effort can help rewire the brain.  A 5-10 minute Facebook feed session after an hour of doing that dreaded task, can stimulate the reward center in your brain. Reward yourself with a positive complement or a bite of a sweet treat, even with a task that you are supposed to do, but just don’t feel like doing. This triggers your brain to begin to like the new task, and conditions your thoughts patterns to become more positive.
3. Get more positive feedback. Allow yourself to experience frequent positive feedback as you work towards goals. If someone gives you a compliment, sit with that feeling for a minute before moving on to the negative voice in your mind. If you meet a goal or get a good review, sit with the feeling of pride for a little while; go back to it if the dark cloud of doom and gloom surfaces. Just go back to the feeling. People who provide positive reinforcement can help you to push through the blocks that keep you stuck in your behaviors. A trainer, nutritionist, Alcoholic’s Anonymous sponsor, therapist or anyone can help push you along the way.
4. Embrace a new goal and take small steps towards it every day. That may be saving money or stopping the cigarettes. Putting a dollar away every day and watching the jar grow, creates incentive. Each step, even the smallest one, such as putting out the cigarette halfway through, is awesome and your brain remembers. Remind yourself of how well you are doing even if your not all the way there.

You can visit Emily’s Guidance Girl website. You can also find her on Google+ ,Facebook, and Twitter.

The Difference Between Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence

Posted on May 2, 2012 by Emily Roberts MA, LPC

The terms self-esteem and self-confidence are often used interchangeably when referring to how one feels about themselves. Although they are very similar, they are two different concepts. It is important to understand their roles when looking to improve your overall sense of self.

What is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem refers to how you feel about yourself overall; how much esteem, positive regard or self-love you have. Self-esteem develops from experiences and situations that have shaped how you view yourself today.

Self-confidence is how you feel about your abilities and can vary from situation to situation. I may have healthy self-esteem, but low confidence about situations involving math (this is true).

When you love yourself, your self-esteem improves, which makes you more confident. When you are confident in areas of your life, you begin to increase your overall sense of esteem. You can work on both at the same time.

What Does Low Self-Esteem Look Like?

A friend told me she has low self-esteem; she constantly feels “I’m not good enough.” This concept has developed over her entire life. She has been in a series of unhealthy relationships, is frequently belittled by her boss, and constantly tells herself “I suck, I’m not worth it.” Recognizing she has this negative script, she is now better able to change it.

On the positive side, she is confident about being an amazing chef, a caring friend, and having the ability to be super-organized. She knows and believes this about herself and feels confident in these areas. By focusing on the things she is confident in and working on changing her negative self-talk, she is improving both her self-esteem and self-confidence.

Ideas for Improving Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence

If you are having trouble finding areas you are confident in, try these tips.

• Think of qualities others say you excel in. Even if you believe them slightly, this is a step in the right direction.
• Stop the negative chatter. Shut it up! Start to think of contradictions to these statements.
• Would you say it to a friend? If not, stop saying these statements to yourself.
• Make a list of strengths. Think of what you would say about yourself if you were on a job interview.

The more we recognize our challenges with self-confidence and self-esteem, the more aware we become of improvements that can be made. This is when positive changes occur.