Addicts don't want to

And there you have it! Finally a place who understands addicts and tries to help them instead of putting them in jail. Addicts aren't criminals. The fear of withdraw and needing the drug causes them to steal. The power of drugs are that strong. Addicts don't want to steal, shoot up, prostitute, or desire the drugs. It's how powerfully addicting drugs are. That is why you have to separate the addict from the person. Drugs cause you to do things you normally wouldn't do. Please click on the link to read about it.

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5 Lies Addicts All Addicts Tell Themselves

As an addict, life is a game of survival. Day after day is dedicated to avoiding withdrawals and hiding the outward signs of chemical dependency. On top of that, feeding an addiction means developing an arsenal of psychological defense mechanisms. Simply put, addicts have to learn how to shield themselves from the reality of their behaviors.

Whether you label these defense mechanisms excuses or lies, it all boils down to rationalizing the addiction. And believe it or not, addicts lie to themselvesmore than anyone else. When your actions have tainted everything you once held dear, yet you continue participating in that pattern of destruction, lying to yourself essentially becomes the path of least resistance.

Here’s a look at five lies all addicts eventually tell themselves:

Lie #1 My addiction doesn't

 affect anyone else.

This is probably the most universal lie among addicts. Despite seeing pain and confusion on the faces of loved ones, it’s easier to deny that reality. Instead, they see loved ones as enemies trying to dictate their paths in life.  They confuse concern with control and often say things like “If I want to do drugs, then that’s what I’m going to do.”

Lie #2 I’d never be able to manage my problems without drugs/alcohol.

For addicts, even the smallest life problems can become amplified. While it’s true that everyone has issues, addicts convince themselves there’s no way to work through them without self-medicating. They often feel like the world is working against them or they’re forced to endure more stress than everyone else. What they don’t see, however, is that alcohol/drugs make things much worse. In all honesty, addiction is likely causing a majority of their problems.

By telling themselves this lie, addicts can feel as if their substance abuse is somehow warranted. It allows them to justify being stuck in a drug-fueled rut.  Their judgment eventually becomes clouded; they don’t realize a bulk of these life problems would go away if they’d only commit to a recovery plan and focus on personal growth.

Lie #3 I’m in control of my substance abuse; I can stop whenever I want to.

Control is a big deal for most addicts. This statement allows them to feel like they’re still calling the shots in life; they don’t want to admit they’re chained to their drug(s) of choice. Deep down, most addicts are desperately searching for some kind of justification and – if they can just convince themselves that addiction is a personal choice – it almost feels like they’re in control. Almost.

Lie #4 But, I’m not like so-and-so…he/she’s really in bad shape.

Addicts like to use other addicts as a way to gauge their level of substance abuse. They’ll say things like “Bob’s been busted for three DUIs, but I never get behind the wheel when I’m wasted.” As long as there’s someone out there who’s much worse off than they are, it’s easy to feel a little superior.

All this comparison really means is that the addict hasn't fallen to a deeper level of destruction. If they don’t get help, however, it’s only a matter of time.

Excuse #5 I don’t care about my life and I don’t care if my addiction kills me.

One of the lowest points an addict can get to is the one where life becomes meaningless. They are so consumed with pain and grief that the depression seems to justify the rampant substance abuse. This is a vicious cycle: the more they use, the worse they feel. When there’s no joy or pleasure left in life, there’s no reason to seek out recovery.

In reality, abusing drugs/alcohol is the largest hurdle that holds them back from leading a productive and meaningful existence. Once clean and sober, they’re able to focus and start enjoying life again. They’re also able to embrace the love and support of family, get back to the friends who truly love them, and lead the authentic, meaningful life they've missed out on for so long.

        "Drugs have a power that you just can't believe"

 I just went to my cousins funeral today. He was in jail for stealing for his drugs. I just want to say that this is so sad how drugs have that deep a hold of us. Sometimes we just can't overcome that powerful voice inside of us that makes us go after that drug like others would go after their new job or position in their job. There is a powerful demon we have that others don't. It lies deep inside us waiting for that one trigger to set us off. We could be perfectly clean for years and all of a sudden it just hits us with this powerful force that we can't control. It doesn't care if we have kids, a good job, a spouse, or family. It doesn't let us think of that. It makes us selfish and we just go after it hard. 

 We have a brain that doesn't produce a lot of serotonin as well, and when your that depressed it's hard not to use that drug.  I've explained this in another blog. When your depressed all the time, this drug makes you happy because it triggers the serotonin and produces a lot of it. It hits the reward system. So, when we're without this drug, our body doesn't feel normal. We're depressed and we get anxious, bored, angry, or and our brain remembers that drug makes us happy. So, we go crazy trying to stay away but the drug just is just so powerful and will win. We know the consequences but it's not that we don't care, we care deeply about how it's effecting our lives and who it's effecting but we can't stop the urge. It takes over and so when we use, we get a blast of that serotonin that most people's brain produces enough of it, unlike ours, and we're stuck again. 

 When we stop using and we stat to withdraw, that is another major reason we can't stop. Withdraw is evil. It's a hell you don't want to experience. It's like the flu only five times that. It makes us go back to it. Your skin feels like it's on fire, you get constant chills and you get hot, your nose runs like crazy and you sneeze, your nauseated and vomit, you shake, you get diarrhea, your body feels like it's thawing out and it is.  Drugs numb you and your pain so when you stop, you feel everything plus some. Your back kills you. Withdraw is evil period. Nobody would wish that on their worst enemy. It's a constant pain and leg cramps that make you want to punch your skin. Drugs are no joke. Their evil itself. I've been through it several times. One time really bad for 2 weeks straight. 

 Addicts may be weak at not being able to say no to their drug, but we are very strong willed and go through a lot of pain and suffering. We go through a lot of heartache that most people would kill their self for. As an addict myself, I have judged other addicts by saying well, I would never do that in front of my kids or sell their food because I never did that. I didn't allow harm to come to them but it still took me from spending more time with them because the pills I was taking would make me sleepy. I'd have to take a nap. On top of that, having Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome also made me sleepy. I only took maybe 2-3 pills at a time when most addicts take 50 at once. I'm not saying I'm better than those that did though. I don't judge anymore because I've been where you do what you can to get you drugs. I know the desire and things it can make you do. It's sad that addicts get judged and it's just like someone who has cancer or heart disease. It's a chronic illness and so is addiction. They did MRI's on addicts and it shows our brains are different from those who aren't addicts. I'm not trying to glorify being an addict at all. I'm just expressing my opinion and facts on what I learned about addiction. Plus being an addict myself for over seventeen years. There are only two results of the addicts life, jail or you die if we don't stop. There is help but we need support from our family and friends not judgmental support. 

                                          "I Need More"

                         

                    Don't get to close, it's dark inside, that's where my demons hide

                                                                                                         Imagine Dragons

     It is with such a heavy heart that I tell you my cousin died early this morning. My heart goes out to him and he will so be missed! I wanted to talk about addiction. My cousin was an addict also. A lot of people in my family are. I wish people would get educated about addiction because it's sad that people just think we're stupid for choosing drugs over our kids, family, job, ect.. We do not choose that. The brain makes us choose that. If you learn about how the brain works especially in addiction than you would understand better. If we could choose, we would choose the right path. When you feel that first high, there is nothing like it in this world. It calls to you literally. It's a monster. Yes, some of us hate life and hate our problems and that makes us want to use even more. We feel so empty inside and lost in life. We don't know what our purpose is in life. We tend to fail at certain things and when you have a family and friends calling you a loser and low life, it's a wander we don't kill ourselves sooner. It doesn't help to threaten the addict or take things away. 

 I know when I was in a car accident back in 93', I got on pain meds at 19 to get out of back pain and neck pain. I was on those for 17 years. I did get addicted. Everybody does if your on them a long enough. My body was addicted as well. I had to keep going up in dose just to get the same effect from when I started them. When they put me on Percocet, I was up to 15 a day or more. I was seriously addicted. I stopped on my own and they said all that percocet will kill my liver so they put me on Oxycontin. Bad idea...I was really addicted to those. I would take two at a time. I played it safe though because I had 3 kids to take care of and live for. I hear people snort them and take up to 50 pills a day. I snorted some but I took 2-3 at most and instead of every 4-6 hrs. I would start every 4 hours and than every 2 hours. I'd run short and have to withdraw till it was due to get my pills again. I actually fell asleep while walking to the kitchen and busted my head on the entertainment center. Oxycontin is strong shit. But, I swore I'd never get worse and I'd never try shooting up or heroin. I was addicted to cocaine when I was in my teens. I knew someone introduced it to me, I'd be in trouble. I tried to stay away from addicts. I can't believe how powerful these drugs are over your mind. 

 I had a boyfriend who introduced me to snorting pills. So, I immediately got addicted. I have tried heroin and got addicted to that. I was on it for 2 months and than I stopped on my own. I knew I was getting out of control doing 10 bags a day! There's a little amount in each bag but still. Than, he introduced me again to cocaine. I got hooked. I'm just amazed at how strong my will power is and I can stop on my own but it took awhile because it had me good. I just kept chasing that high. I knew I needed to stay alive for myself and for my kids. It's bad enough they have the father he is. I was so bad that it's like the ONLY thing on your mind. How can I get more?? Where and when? What if I steal money than I can get some because I'm so sick and need relief. When your withdrawing, you'll do anything to feel better. Now I have morals and values but it came close. It's just that bad. It's evil. It makes you do evil things. Withdraw is pure hell and evil. I went through it plenty of times. I mean it kills you to think how much money you spend on this crap when you need money for other things. It kills us inside and we know what we do is wrong but the damn brain tells us to ignore that and just do more. Now and again! One more time. It's a vicious cycle. It's seriously a brain disease. It's proven. Not saying ok it gets us off the hook for the bad we do, but it sure explains to others that we're not doing that because we have no morals or values or willpower. It's in our brain and we crave it and need it. It sucks for us to have to fight this. We fight our mind daily on stopping this shit but our brain ends up winning the battle. We hate our self for what we're doing so we do more and more. We want to stop, well, some of us. Not being able to see my children has destroyed me and that didn't help. It's crazy because I would sit and write to keep my mind off it and read, but no, it sneaks in there again and that's all you think about. It's constant and drives you crazy until you go get some. It's sad that people can't accept that it's a real mental disease. They've compared the brain of users and non users and done so many tests. Why do you think so many people today are hooked on pills? Yes, older people anyone. No matter who you are or what you do, it will hook you. Believe that. Your not stupid. Your just lost and your brain takes over. People are addicted to cigarettes and even alcohol and people don't really look down on them. Addiction is addiction. It runs your life period. Cigarettes have a thousand chemicals in them like our drugs do. So, they don't called stupid. They waste money on them. Anyhow, just wanted to share some of this with you all. Thanks for reading! 

This addicts need help and it's very hard to get the help you need like here in Delaware. They are very few suboxone doctors who put you on this medicine for 2 weeks. It's an opiate blocker and helps you with withdraw. But, they all say they're program is full and also your only on it two weeks so once you get off it, your gonna go right back to drugs. My doctor had me on it 2 years and it helps you not crave drugs. I did great on it! It has half an opiate in it but that's it. It's sad that they throw addicts in jail when they need rehab not jail! Also, they don't help you go through withdraw. You have to do it on your own with no meds to help you. It's sad. Addiction is all over the world. Your sister or brother may be doing it or your cousin. It's not a respecter of persons. It doesn't care who you are, it will grab you and hook you. I've swore I'd never get out of control but I did. I'm clean now but it took all my will power. The temptation will always be there. Your never free from addiction. It's always right around the corner. You can live a perfectly normal life without it. But you need family and friends that support you or it won't happen. I don't have family or friends to support me. I did it on my own. Well, just thought I'd share my addiction story. Down below I posted about addiction from another article I have on here. Just to help explain. 

     

Research on the brain indicates that addiction is about powerful memories, and recovery is a slow process in which the influence of those memories is diminished. Both addictive drugs and highly pleasurable or intense experiences (such as a life or death thrill, a crime, or an orgasm) trigger the release of the brain chemical dopamine, which in turn creates a reward circuit in the brain. This circuit registers that intense experience as "important" and creates lasting memories of it as a pleasurable experience. Dopamine changes the brain on a cellular level, commanding the brain to "do it again," which heightens the possibility of relapse even long after the behavior (or drug) has 

Additional research on addiction indicates that dopamine is not just a messenger that dictates what feels good; it is also tells the brain what is important and what to pay attention to in order to survive. And the more powerful the experience is, the stronger the message is to the brain to repeat the activity for survival. Additionally, those who have fewer salient things in their lives that capture their interest and attention are more vulnerable to those things that may give them a rush and alert the brain in a powerful way.
This research on dopamine goes a long way in explaining how someone can become addicted to something that can become so destructive and detrimental in their lives and the lives of those they love. It also helps to explain why meditation, yoga, exercise and acupuncture can be helpful tools in the fight against addiction, as they address the physiology and biochemistry of the individual. Battling addiction is not simply a matter of will-power, but also is about transforming an individual's body, mind, and life and creating a new set of experiences for the brain to register as important and pleasurable. It is also about patience, healing, not taking relapse personally, and the passage of time to allow the memories to fade

   

                              "Living With Chronic Pain" (Part 3)

                             "Don't get too close, it's dark inside, it's where my demons hide.
                                                                              Imagine Dragons

  It was a constant battle in my mind. I wanted that high and I also needed to get out of pain. Once you begin using pills to get high, you need to use more and more to just to feel that high. Your chasing a high that you won't get like you did the very first time. That's why it's called "Chasing The Dragon". You have to use more to maintain just so your body feels normal. You don't feel a high like you first did but it still feels good. All you think about is MORE and you watch the clock to see if it's time yet for your next pill. The pain was just so bad that I wasn't able to do a lot of things. Especially with my kids. I wanted to be out of pain so I could go do things with my kids. It was a battle doing housework. I have an OCD with cleaning. I would clean with my music blasted up high and dance and act crazy with the kids. Even though it hurt my back more, I still did it. I started doing aerobics and weight training when I was sixteen. I was addicted to exercise also. I would even dance for my aerobics. I love dancing. It was always a passion of mine to become a dancer. But, it was great exercise and it would hurt my back really bad but I had to lose weight. I didn't care how painful it was. I just thought after awhile the pain would get better instead of worse because I was strengthening my muscles. Little did I know, my Chiropractor told me that aerobics is good of course, but I should have strengthened my core first. So, I probably injured myself more. After I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I realized that's what made me stop exercising during my pregnancy with Joshua. When we lived in CA. I just got to exhausted and painful to keep up with my aerobics and Yoga.   It really made me angry that I had to stop. Not only did I have a good looking body and nice muscles, but it gave me the energy I needed and I knew it was helping my body not get worse.

 So, I became really depressed even more so than I was. Living with Chronic pain was just hard. I had pain I had to deal with even when I sleep. I couldn't sleep more than 4-5 hours because it would hurt my back and hips from laying to long. I have bad hip pain from the fractured pelvis I got from the car accident. My Chiropractor did x-rays of my pelvis and said I had a twisted pelvis. I don't see how that's possible but I need a second opinion on that. I have 2 herniated disks in my low back and bone spurs, which are painful, on my spine. I also have scoliosis that I was born with. The drs. said that causes more pain than a slipped disk. I have joint and disk disease which is really bad arthritis in my lower back.  I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I have plantar Fasciitis on my feet. which means they get very painful from standing after just 5 min. I have Migraines which have lessened but I get spinal headaches I call them because I can't lean my back against anything or it goes right to the back of my head and causes an explosive headache. It lasts 3 days at times. I have a broken coccyx bone which makes it hard for me to sit long. I def can't sit on those hard chairs.

 I have lived with this chronic pain since I was 19. I would do things like go to the zoo for my kids even though it killed me. I forced myself to do a lot of things to take the kids places. After they got older, my pain got worse and worse. So, I'm glad I was able to do a lot of things with them before I got this bad. It's very depressing having to live in pain all the time. I grew up with severe depression and anxiety and that got worse of course because of me and my husband arguing a lot. There were a lot of times my own husband would say I was faking it. That really hurt. I mean it's hard enough dealing with this pain and hating the fact that I can't do much besides stay in bed, let alone having someone who supposedly loves you, say your faking it. Yeah, I wish I was faking. Having your own husband who lives with you and sees the pain your going through and begging for back rubs because it was worse at night, and than him go and say that your faking it to our friends at church and our own kids. Instead of supporting me, he just made up lies and started to put the focus on him.

 The counselor we were seeing together and I also saw her on my own, she explained to him that I had PTSD, from being raped 3 times and being with abusive men and my father. She said I have Bi-polar, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. So, he started to focus on having PTSD himself. From being in Iraq. Now, I told him he may have that and than he just forgot all about me and started telling everyone that he had PTSD and he just always talked about himself. It was always like that. He either always talked about being a Soldier or Fireman. It just got really old. I was always there to support him and listen but he never was for me. He didn't understand Addiction and didn't care to learn about it and support me. Even the kids got sick of hearing him. Yeah, after things got worse with him throwing things at me and his yelling scaring the kids he told me to get out. I knew I could stay but I also knew it was a bad idea because it was really affecting the kids and myself. The stress and anxiety made my pain worse. I screamed at him so I'm not saying I was perfect. It was hard not to scream back when he would say the most cruel things to me in front of the kids.

 Anyhow, the last 2 years I was still living there, my addiction got so bad that I had to put myself in rehab. I was withdrawing really bad because I failed the doctor drug test. I took some Percocet's that was left over from my sons surgery. He was done them so I took them and he saw them on the drug test and he kicked me out as a patient. I went through the pure evil and hell of withdrawing. I swore I'd never touch those again because the hell of withdraw is just pure evil. I hated my kids seeing me like that but I told them this is what you'll go through if you get hooked on pills. You get a constant runny nose, chills real bad, sweats, leg cramps and your skin feels like it's on fire. You want to punch your legs cause the pain is just horrible. It just feels like the flu, only ten times stronger! But I knew it was time to get off those,. I didn't want those to damage my liver or kidneys and I knew it was causing me to have serious mood swings. I would get angry easily. I got off them and was clean for two years before he kicked me out. I was going to meetings and did 4 different meetings. It was very hard at first because after being on pills all my life basically, since I was 19, that's all I knew. I now had no pills. I was on 2 opiates and a muscle relaxer that was also addicting. Soma. I loved the high I got from taking all those together. But, I was used to popping a pill when I was in pain, when I was stressed or upset, when I was bored or angry. I used all kinds of excuses. So, I would take Tylenol and Motrin but I knew too much Tylenol was bad so I couldn't take a lot. It was just hard not having any pills.  

 It was just really hard dealing with pain everyday and all day. It would get worse at night but it was all day constant pain. I tried to not complain because I know how annoying that is. But, yeah, I suffer silently. I hate that it controls my life. The Fibromyalgia is just horrible. You have all kinds of ailments with that alone. It causes headaches, body aches, joint pain, you can't stand cold or hot weather, chest pain, and your skin is sensitive as well. My kids would joke around and hit me on my arm and I would yell with pain. It stings bad. There are many symptoms.

I have relapsed and got some pain pills and even started to snort them. Being away from my kids has took a big piece of my heart with them. I was lost when I left and moved back home with my parents. It felt like they were kidnapped. My ex-husband told them I wanted to leave. I was just so empty. I went from being a wife and mother, to nothing.  I can't see my sons because they live 3 hours away and my daughter moved to CA. with her boyfriend. It was so bad the first year home. I couldn't think of them or talk about them without crying bad. It was hard to look at pictures of them without breaking down and just thinking about my youngest son and needing mama. It was so bad that I got back to drinking again almost every night. I have the opportunity to write now. I've allowed the depression to make me not want to read or write. In order to write, you have to do a lot of reading as well. I had to get back on depression pills to help me. I also got a mood stabilizer for the bi-polar. I have mild bi-polar. Mainly the bi-polar depression. It will paralyze you. So, I have severe depression also because of being in pain a lot. I want to get back on pills because of the pain but I know I developed an addiction to them so it's not a good idea. I am working on my Memoir and doing my daily writing. I am doing a writing class now and it's helping me out. I just need to focus on that right now. I don't drive yet because the accident left me fearful. I am still very afraid and seeing all these accidents and the way people drive just kills me with fear. It's also my brain injury that has me worried about driving. I fear that I will mess up like not paying attention because I have a problem focusing on things.

I got addicted to snorting pills. This guy I was with started me on that. I told him to please never use in front of me because I was addicted to cocaine at one point and loved snorting it. So, he cut up the pill in front of me and sniffed it so that made me want to try it. I got really addicted though. I'm still off the alcohol and pills too. So, I need to stay from people who use and drs. that would be willing to give them to me. So, it's hard having pain and nothing to help but I know if I get back on them, it's pointless because you'll always have to go up in dose and your body just gets addicted to them and you feel worse pain because your body is used to them so you need higher doses and you start withdrawing after 4 hrs. Not bad withdraw because your still taking them but when you start withdrawing, I call it like thawing out. Your body feels everything. I felt worse back pain. I know when I stopped for those 2 years, my back hurt but not like it did when I was on them. I felt all kinds of pain while I was on them. So, I know it's just not worth getting back on them. I can't control my addiction so what's the point and getting on them and risking my addiction get worse? Drugs always leads to either jail or death. It's not worth it. A lot of addicts think they can control it their self but you just can't. I've quit alcohol and cocaine  by myself. I can stop on my own but I can't be around them or else it will get out of control and I'll start using again. My kids need me alive. I may not be able to see them now but I know things will change soon and I'll be able to see them and I need to be clean for myself and for them! I refuse to allow my addiction to control me or kill me. I also can't be a good writer if I'm using. So, I just thought I'd share my story for anyone struggling with chronic pain and or pill addiction.

 I know there are other ways like doing light aerobics and light weight lifting to help with pain. I can use other things to help instead of pills. I've tried to needles in my back but that didn't work. I know eating healthy and not smoking can help as well. I'm staying focused on what exercises my chiropractor taught me to do and losing some of this belly will help with back pain. I gained some weight over the last 4 years. It's been hard but I'm sticking with the program and staying focused on my writing. Writing is my passion and I can't wait to publish this book!!

                          "Living With Chronic Pain"  (Part 2)

 I've had to deal with living with pain all my life. I was on pain pills for seventeen years. Since I was 19. That's when I got in the car accident. I had a slipped disk in my back and one in my neck. Later on, I got another slipped disk in my low back and all the ones in my neck are slipped. That's seven I believe in the neck. It may be because of the exercises I did. I used weights to do crunches with my abs, so I may have got them from those. My back and neck pain got worse over the years. So did my brain injury. Because of the car accident, I got Post-grade and Retro-grade Amnesia. I couldn't remember the car accident and other things in my past. I also have a hard time retaining new information. It's almost like on 50 First Dates. It's like my slate gets wiped clean after I go to bed. I sometimes forget what I did or something I learned. If I read an article or wrote one, I forget what it was about or I have a hard time explaining what I learned to someone. I'm just very forgetful and that comes with age but top it off for me, it's my brain injury as well.

 I have severe back pain that I still have to deal with. Like I said before, I was on pain pills for seventeen years. I went from Darvocet, Percocet, Oxycontin, Morphine, and than Opana. A lot of people get addicted to them. Your body becomes addicted first. Your body becomes immune to them and you have to go up in dose. I would watch the clock because it says every 4-6 hours, so I would take them every four hours. Than I started taking two at once. That clock became my life. I was addicted but I was in serious pain as well. Little did I know back than that it's like a roller coaster. You just need to go up in dose and I would tell the doctor that my pain is really bad and these pills are not helping. It was true but I would exaggerate how bad the pain was. Little did I know that they really do stop working because your body is immune to them by now.

 Than, I would tell the doctor again that they weren't helping. I would wait like three months or so before I told him they weren't helping. Than he chose to put me on Percocet's. I got really out of control with those. I would take them every four hours and sometimes two every four hours. When I would run out early, I would tell the doctor it was because I took them every four hours instead of every six hours, which would mean that you run out faster because he didn't give me the right amount of pills for every four hours. So, I was than up to fifteen percs a day. My husband was stationed in Ft. Irwin, CA. at the time. I just had Joshua, my youngest son. I took them while I was pregnant but it was before I got out of control. I hated being on them while I was pregnant but with my pain, it was just unbearable and they thought I would be bed ridden during my whole pregnancy.  I wasn't and I know because the pills did help me. I still had Brian to chase around. He was 3-4 at the time.

 I did get out of control after I had him and the doctor figured out I was developing a problem with them, so he offered me to go to rehab. I wanted to but I just couldn't leave my kids like that. They would have to watched by a stranger because my husband had to work. So, I had to battle myself and discipline myself into just taking them the way I'm prescribed to. I did and I did good. I was able to just stop and take them right. My kids needed me awake and functional not all messed up and tired all the time because the pills make you tired. I did it on my own though.

 When we left CA., we ,moved back to North Carolina. I was put on Oxycontin. That was a bad idea. I really got addicted to those. They were so strong that as I was walking to the bathroom, I fell asleep and busted my head on the entertainment stand. I had a huge bruise from it. I kept falling asleep, even while I was going to the bathroom. Than my body got immune to them. They bumped up the doses from 20 mg. to 40 mg. Later on they put me on Morphine. I was really addicted to those to. I had to watch that I didn't run out early and when I did, I didn't tell the doctor. I just had to deal with withdraw. I had to do that a lot. Even when I was on Percocet's, I ran out like a few days early. Than it would turn into a week early so I had to suffer withdraw. They bumped me up to Opana's. I was told that these meds were meant for someone with cancer. I know the pain I felt was like having cancer. I had deep bone pain. They had me on Opana 20 mg. one a day and than 40 mg. Opana up to four times a day. I was really addicted but I really couldn't see that because the pain was bad and I knew I had no choice but to stay on pain meds. Otherwise I just couldn't do things because of the pain.

 My addiction didn't effect my kids in the sense, I didn't go out drinking and partying. I wasn't real high on pills to where I couldn't take care of my kids so I figured there was no problem. I knew people on the "Intervention" show, they were taking like 50 pills a day and some more than that. They were also drinking and or smoking pot. I was only taking two pills a time and I was taking them every 2 hours. I saw no harm in what I was doing because I was functional and able to do housework and take care of my kids. Little did I know though, that it did cause me to have serious anger issues and it was making me too tired to want to play with my kids. So, I started seeing how it was affecting me as a Wife and Mother. It was a constant battle in my mind. I'll explain more in part 3.

                                          "Living With A Chronic Illness"



     When I opened my eyes, all I saw was dark and rain drizzling on me. I looked around to see what happened and where I was. I was on the wet ground and realized that we were in a car accident. I tried to get up but some pain was stopping me from moving. I had a severe pain by my pelvis. I heard Dave call for me. He came by my side holding his rib.  

 "Lisa, stop moving your hurt. You may hurt yourself more if you keep trying to get up. Just lay still until the ambulance gets here". 
 "Are you OK?" I asked Dave. 
 "My ribs hurt. Think I broke some ribs." 

I wasn't afraid of dying at all for some reason. I remember that I hated laying in the wet mud. The fire station was right across the street so they were fast getting there. I was going in and out of consciousness. I heard the sirens and I than remembered them cutting my clothes off. It upset me because I was saying "no, not my favorite daisy duke shorts and half top." Only I would be dying and only care about my clothes, ha ha. 

 The next memory was them asking Dave for my parents phone number and one of them said, "she's not gonna make it." I could have went into shock with him saying that. My husband had told me they're not aloud to say that but he did. I still wasn't worried. I kept going in and out but for some reason I wasn't worried. I truly believe my Angel was there to keep me alive and I guess she kept me calm. My next memory was waking up in the hospital and they were pushing me on the gurney and my parents were there. My dad always worried about me brushing my teeth when I was growing up and so he asked the nurse if all my teeth were broken out. She said no, it's just blood and mud that make it look like that. Only my Daddy. So, I remembered them moving me from the gurney to the MRI machine because I screamed in pain! Laying on that hard board killed my back. Then I remember them putting a breathing tube down my throat. They told me to swallow as they were putting it in. I hated that. That was the worst. 

 Dave and I were drinking that night and he smoked pot. It was storming out and his parents ran out of gas coming back from the beach, so we had to go bring them some gas. It was pouring out so I was afraid and laid down on his lap. We came up to a light but the lights were all out, so he just went on. We were hit on my side and the car went airborne and than hit a curb and than wrapped around the pole. I fell out of the car while it was airborne. I landed by the drivers side. If I had my seat belt on, I would have been crushed. 

 I was in the hospital for a week.  I had a fractured pelvis and herniated disk in my low back. I also had retrograde and post grade amnesia. I wasn't allowed to see my face for the first three days. That really scared me. I had cut marks all over my face from the glass. I had glass in my hair and blood. I had cuts all over and bruises. When the car was airborne, I fell out. So, I had a huge black and purple bruise from my booty up to the middle of my back some. I had a deep long gash down the side of my thigh and the same exact one on my other thigh. I hated when the nurses would come in my room at 2 am and have to clean my wounds. That was the worst pain! They had to pour distilled water in it and that medicine. It was painful. Dave's mom took better care of me than the nurses. I had glass in my hair and blood and so she brought in dry shampoo and washed my hair and got all the glass out. She also let me see my face with the mirror she brought. I wasn't able to walk, so the first three days I couldn't see it because I had to use a potty pan. When I saw my face, my heart broke. I had slashes and cuts all over my face. I felt sick. I prayed and had faith God would heal most of them. I couldn't walk for the first 3-4 days. Than they started me in therapy basically teaching me how to walk again. I had to use a walker. 

  I had to use a walker to walk for the first 2 months. Than I went to crutches for 2 months and than one crutch for a month. I couldn't hold my daughter either when I was home. I hated having to just lay in bed and have everyone wait on me and take care of my daughter. My sister helped and she was a home nurse, so she cleaned my wounds and helped. I couldn't lift my daughter because it would have put strain on my pelvis. I had to get on pain medication for the back pain and the sciatic nerve that would shoot down my leg. It is horrible pain to have to deal with. 

 It was such a struggle dealing with back pain everyday and trying to chase my daughter around. I know it woke me up. I was doing cocaine and drinking every night. This accident woke me up. I could've left my daughter without a mother and I am so thankful to God that we didn't have her with us. We would always bring my daughter over there. His mom loved her and always played with her. So, thanks be to God that my mom watched her that night. I stopped cold turkey cocaine and alcohol. I hated being in pain. It made me miserable. I had to learn how to deal with it. The pain meds helped some. I always did aerobics and weight training and so I couldn't do that for awhile. When I got back into it though, I could tell it helped my pain. It was making me feel better so I stuck with doing it. 

  

The 7 hardest addictions to quit - love is the worst!

Love addictions are the hardest to quit.

Published on December 15, 2008 by Stanton Peele in Addiction in Society

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In reverse order of difficulty, here are the seven addictions people find hardest to quit:

7. Cocaine. Cocaine is an episodic-use drug. It is one moreover associated with certain lifestyles - at one time (if not now) people in the financial industry and entertainment fields - and more often younger people. Studying long-term users of cocaine, Ronald Siegel found most moderated, controlled, or quit their use over time. Patricia Erickson and Bruce Alexander surveyed the research and found that fewer than 10 percent of cocaine addicts continued their addictions for substantial periods. After cocaine use peaked in the 1980s, most middle-class users quit (although use in inner cities continued some time longer). Remarking on this phenomenon, David Musto concluded: "The question we must ask ourselves is not why people take drugs, but why do people stop." He surmised that people with fewer resources had less to counterbalance their addictions.

6. Alcohol. Alcohol is the addiction most written about, both in scientific literature and as recounted in personal memoirs. Alcoholics Anonymous members swear AA is the only way to recover; treatment experts claim alcoholism is inescapable without treatment. But epidemiological research does not find this is true. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism in 2005 published the results of its National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions. NESARC conducted 43,000 face-to-face interviews with a sample of Americans about their lifetime alcohol and drug use. Among these, 4,422 were classifiable at some point in their lives as alcohol dependent (or alcoholic). Somewhat more than a quarter had received any kind of treatment (including in an emergency room, attending AA, etc.). Among the large majority who went untreated, fewer than a quarter drank alcoholically at the time of the interview. Most (about two-thirds) of this group continued drinking non-alcoholically.

5. Valium. In general, drugs used for pacifying purposes (which are usually depressants), taken regularly over long periods of time, are hard to quit. This holds for sedatives, sleeping pills, barbiturates, and tranquilizers. Several best-sellers have been written about the difficulty in quitting Valium (benzodiazepine tranquilizers): Barbara Gordon's I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can and Betty Ford's The Times of My Life. A prominent New York City newscaster, Jim Jensen, recounted in Peoplehow he readily quit cocaine but couldn't get off Valium: "Valium withdrawal soon plunged him into a massive depression that left him unable to eat or sleep. It took two more months in two hospitals for him to regain his mental and physical health." Ah, but Americans love these drugs, need them to survive - although in good part they have been supplanted by antidepressants.

4. Heroin. Powerful analgesics, taken regularly, are difficult for many (but not most) people to quit. After all, most of us have had intravenous supplies of narcotics in the hospital, followed by prescriptions for powerful analgesics when we went home. What is remarkable is not so much that heroin can produce serious withdrawal for some, but how variable this syndrome is and how comparable it is to other depressant and painkiller drugs and analgesics (like Vicodin and OxyContin), which are the fastest growing drugs of abuse and today are taken by the majority of illicit narcotics users and overdose victims. So much has been written about heroin withdrawal, it is mainly worth noting that when people quit the drug with little difficulty (as the major league ballplayer Ron LeFlore did when he entered prison and took up baseball) it is simply considered impermissible to describe or portray this aspect of their stories.

3. Cigarettes. In ratings by cocaine and alcohol addicts, smoking is regularly cited as the more difficult drug to quit, generally on par with or more difficult than heroin. Nonetheless, more than 40 million living Americans have quit smoking. While impressive, this still only represents about half of all of those ever addicted to cigarettes - although a higher percentage of those in higher socioeconomic groups have quit. When I speak to recovering people at addiction conferences I ask, "What is the toughest drug to quit?" By acclimation, the audience shouts out, "cigarettes" or "smoking." I then ask, "How many people in this room have been addicted to cigarettes but are now off them?" Half to two-thirds - often hundreds of people - in the room raise their hands. "Wow," I enthuse. "And how many have used any kind of therapy - medical or a support group - to quit?" Never have more than a small handful done so.

2. Potato chips. I use potato chips, of course, to stand for all kinds of alluring but fattening foods. These comfort foods, which deprive more Americans of life years than any other substance, are inextricably integrated with our own lives, and with the lives of all Americans. Although overweight is disapproved and regularly lectured against, it still doesn't have the stigma of drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes, so that hidden (and not so hidden) food addictions are more readily tolerated. That gastric bypass surgery is growing so rapidly shows that this is the substance addiction people find hardest to quit, even those for whom it causes serious, life-threatening health conditions. In fact, we will never resolve our massive food addictions in the United States, but we hope to come up with medical cures to prevent their negative effects, as if we would succeed by simply deciding to let smokers continue to smoke noncancerous cigarettes.

1. Love. Ah, love is the hardest addiction to quit. It certainly causes more murders and suicides than any other addiction. And if you think people miss smoking, consider what people are like when they break up with long-time lovers or get divorced - even when they hate their spouses! (See the response to this post, "My divorce has left me . . .") On the other hand, we read frequently about people who totally sacrificed their lives to a lover who betrayed them or otherwise destroyed their psyches, yet who still didn't quit the relationship - what is the answer, after all, when an abuse victim is asked why they simply don't leave an abusive spouse? "Because I love him, and can't live without him." I regularly counsel spouses of substance abusers about this.
 Don't despair, however, no matter what your addiction is. The large majority of addicts give up every kind of addiction. So can you. That most people do it, one way or another, tells you that it lies within your power.

Stanton's new book, with Ilse Thompson, Recover! Stop Thinking Like an Addict and Reclaim Your Life with The PERFECT Program, is availablehere.

Symptoms of Addiction

• The cardinal symptom of addiction is the inability to limit use of a substance or activity beyond need leading to clinically significant impairment.

• There is a craving or compulsion to use the substance or activity.

• Recurrent use of the drug or activity escalates to achieve the desired effect, indicating tolerance.

• Attempts to stop usage produce symptoms of withdrawal—irritability, anxiety, shakes, nausea.

• Recurrent use of the substance or activity impairs work, social, and family responsibilities, creates psychological impairments and interpersonal problems, has negative effects on health, mood, self-respect, exacerbated by the effects of the specific substance itself.

There are many symptoms created by the specific substance/activity that is used.

All addictions have the capacity to induce feelings of shame and guilt, a sense of hopelessness, and feelings of failure. In addition, anxiety and depression are common conditions among those with substance and behavioral addictions.

Dopamine: Why It's So Hard to "Just Say No"

Recovering from addiction is about healing mind, body and life.

Published on August 19, 2010 by Samantha Smithstein, Psy.D. in What The Wild Things Are

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"Why doesn't s/he just stop when s/he knows how much it's hurting me?" This is one of the most common questions asked by those who love someone addicted to substances and/or harmful behaviors. It might be helpful for those loved ones to know that stopping isn't simply a matter of wanting to, or simply understanding that you may be causing someone else's pain. Research indicates that to "just stop" is not so easy.
One of the main reasons is called dopamine. Research on the brain indicates that addiction is about powerful memories, and recovery is a slow process in which the influence of those memories is diminished. Both addictive drugs and highly pleasurable or intense experiences (such as a life or death thrill, a crime, or an orgasm) trigger the release of the brain chemical dopamine, which in turn creates a reward circuit in the brain. This circuit registers that intense experience as "important" and creates lasting memories of it as a pleasurable experience. Dopamine changes the brain on a cellular level, commanding the brain to "do it again," which heightens the possibility of relapse even long after the behavior (or drug) has 

Additional research on addiction indicates that dopamine is not just a messenger that dictates what feels good; it is also tells the brain what is important and what to pay attention to in order to survive. And the more powerful the experience is, the stronger the message is to the brain to repeat the activity for survival. Additionally, those who have fewer salient things in their lives that capture their interest and attention are more vulnerable to those things that may give them a rush and alert the brain in a powerful way.
This research on dopamine goes a long way in explaining how someone can become addicted to something that can become so destructive and detrimental in their lives and the lives of those they love. It also helps to explain why meditation, yoga, exercise and acupuncture can be helpful tools in the fight against addiction, as they address the physiology and biochemistry of the individual. Battling addiction is not simply a matter of will-power, but also is about transforming an individual's body, mind, and life and creating a new set of experiences for the brain to register as important and pleasurable. It is also about patience, healing, not taking relapse personally, and the passage of time to allow the memories to fade.