Addicts don't want to

And there you have it! Finally a place who understands addicts and tries to help them instead of putting them in jail. Addicts aren't criminals. The fear of withdraw and needing the drug causes them to steal. The power of drugs are that strong. Addicts don't want to steal, shoot up, prostitute, or desire the drugs. It's how powerfully addicting drugs are. That is why you have to separate the addict from the person. Drugs cause you to do things you normally wouldn't do. Please click on the link to read about it.

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 extroverts, it’s us again, the introverts.

                                     9 Rules for Being with us introverts

You know, those quiet friends of yours who listened to your tearful story about the fight you had with your boyfriend — without interrupting even once? Those friends who let you be the center of attention at every party — and don’t try to steal the spotlight?

We want to say upfront that we introverts really like being friends with you extroverts. You pull us out of our introverted bubble, and you get us to do things we probably wouldn’t do on our own.

Without you, we’d probably spend every weekend in our pajamas watching Netflix, only making contact with another human when we open the front door to the Jimmy John’s delivery guy.

We usually have a good time when we’re hanging out with you. When you’re around, we don’t have to do the heavy lifting to make conversation happen.

One minute we’re shut off from the world writing fan fiction for Harry Potter in our heads. Then you come along, and suddenly we’re laughing and having fun and comfortably opening up about ourselves. How do you do that?

We’ve never sat down to talk about this, and that’s probably our fault, because we don’t really like to sit down and talk about anything. But to make our lives easier — and to avoid confusion and misunderstanding for you — there are a few rules we think all extroverts should abide by when they’re friends with introverts:

1. Don’t text us and ask us to be ready to hang out in 10 minutes.

We get it. Sometimes things happen spontaneously. But spontaneity should be the exception, not the rule. We need waaaay more than 10 minutes to mentally prepare ourselves to be with people. The amount of time needed for that mental preparation varies from introvert to introvert, but a good rule of thumb is to ask at least a day in advance.

2. If we hung out with you yesterday, we don’t want to hang out again today.

No offense, but we need time to recharge after being with people. Even when we have fun, socializing is still draining.

3. If we think it’s just going to be the two of us hanging out, don’t invite three more people.

We do better one-on-one. A crowd of people means we’ll probably clam up and fade into the background all night. Plus, it’s a little hurtful when we feel like we’re just another warm body in your extrovert entourage. If we’re friends with you, it means you really mean something to us. We have a tiny inner circle of friends, and we don’t let in just anyone. We agreed to hang out because we want to spend time with you.

4. Don’t show up where we live without asking first.

This goes back to that whole “we need to be mentally prepared to see people” thing.

5. “Tired” is code for “we don’t want to be around people anymore.”

If we say we want to leave the party because we’re tired, it might not mean we’re literally having trouble keeping our eyes open. We might just be “tired” of being surrounded by people.

6. We like to listen because we’re good at it, but don’t take advantage of it.

We care, and one thing we can offer you is our superpower of listening. But this doesn’t mean you should launch into a monologue that lasts 20 minutes — even we have our limits. If we’re not saying anything, it probably means we’re processing what you’ve said — and that isn’t necessarily an invitation to keep talking.

7. If we don’t answer your text right away, it doesn’t mean we hate you, it just means we want to be left alone for a while.

For our own mental sanity, sometimes we need to completely disconnect from people in every way. We promise, once we’ve had time to ourselves to recharge, we’ll answer your text and be the friend you need.

8. If you call us, it better be because you’re bleeding or your cat died, or some other horrific emergency happened. Otherwise, don’t call us.

We hate talking on the phone. We’re pretty sure texting was invented by introverts who wanted to avoid all phone calls forever.

9. If we say we want to stay home, we really do just want to stay home.

So let us. And show some respect by not texting us 12 times with the intention of making us feel guilty or trying to change our mind.

 Well, still trying to deal with the loss of my sister. I just feel like I've lost so much in the past few years. Life is very hard right now as I'm trying to get on disability because I can't work with my health issues. It's all from the car accident I was in and getting Fibromyalgia. I have good days and bad but I just started back to my exercises and toning and I know that will help me.

 That's what I want to say to others who are suffering from health issues. Don't give up. I know it's hard. Life is hard but you have to find your passion in life and do it. You have to get strong and if you also start doing aerobics I know you'll get better. I used to do aerobics and weight train and I know it made me feel better. Eating healthy too. I make these good healthy shakes that are so healthy. I just add frozen mixed berries, yogurt, spinach, a banana, and flax seed. ummmm

It will start helping you feel better. To you young girls out there, please don't give up on life. Life may be hard now but it does get better I promise. You'll have storms but they will pass. You'll have guys break your heart but you'll heal from it and learn who you want to be with and don't want to be with. Stay with someone who respects you and treats you like you deserve to be treated and yes, you do deserve to be treated good. I mean this goes for my older friends as well. Don't stay with someone who makes you miserable. Find the one who accepts your flaws, your demons, and you have to accept his and not try to change him. Just love each other and respect one another.

 My sister, my best friend passed away on Feb. 14th. I'm still in shock. I just look at her photos and shake my head in disbelief. I still can't believe my best friend is gone. She was all I had left. These past 2 years have been so bad. I lost both my dogs and then my third one I had to leave with the boys. I lost my kids. I lost my marriage of 17 years. I lost my house and furniture. Now I've lost my sister. I just can't deal with all this grief. I don't know how to deal with it.

 I've never lost anyone close to me besides my Jada who is in heaven. She was never born so  I didn't even get to see her. I can't see my kids because they're about 2-3 hours away. These past 2 years have been so difficult dealing with losing them. Learning to live life again after 17 yrs. of being a mom. They were my life and the reason I live. I mean they still are but I just can't see them often. My beautiful daughter moved to California with her boyfriend. I'm happy for her and that she gets a chance to experience life and be happy but I just wish she chose to do that here with me. My oldest son, Brian as I talked about before on here is starting to come see me. Now I just need Joshua to come visit but I hear he's not allowed so I'm at a complete loss how a parent can keep their kids from the other parent. I hear from the grapevine that she's very strict on them like the father is. They're both military so I figured as much, but it makes me sick. I think he doesn't call me because he just doesn't know what to say to me. This is why I asked Dwayne for the house phone number but he won't give it to me. This way I could call him, but he's trying to keep them away from me. What can I do? He'll call me soon.

 Those little things It just kills me to be away from like, my Joshua is the youngest and he was afraid of storms, so he would come in on my bed with me. Brian was afraid to, but not as bad. He would even go out on the porch and we would watch the lightning and he would record it and take pictures of it. I was scared to death to be outside like that and told them we shouldn't be out here when it's lightening out. I miss my babies and I just always had that sick feeling knowing Joshua needed mama when it was storming out. I know he needs me period in his life and it just kills me that I can't be.

 So, anyway I am so missing my sister already and we're gonna have a service for her here in a few days. I wrote something about her and I'm going to read it. If I can without crying. I know she's at peace now and her struggle with addiction and her health is over. The report came back that she died from kidney disease, COPD, overdose on alcohol and pills, and the stroke. She had too much going on at once. She also had pneumonia and she had heart disease. I feel the stroke was from the overdose. I knew what she was doing and I just couldn't stop her. It kills me that I was so helpless. Addiction runs big time in our family and I'm just not ashamed to talk about it because it's a brain disease like any other disease and the addict can't stop on just will power alone. But I also hate that she was with an abusive boyfriend. I tried to get her to stay away from that asshole. She deserved so much better. So, anyway, thank you all who donated and are still donating and thank you for your prayers and support in this difficult time in my family's life. 

 It's a little late but I got to see my son!! My oldest son, Brian came to see me for New Years! He spent New Years Eve with me! Nobody knows how happy that made me after not seeing my sons for about 2 years. You think they would be encouraged to go see their mother. My baby is 17 and he's so tall. That was the greatest New Year I've had ever. I enjoyed him being here. My dad's tradition is to shoot his gun (has pellets in them) but my son got to do it. I wish my other son, Joshua would come see me. He should ask his father to bring him here as was ordered by the court. I MISS him so much! It hurts to not be able to see him. I know he'll come see me soon. I'm giving him time I guess. 
 I'm worried I won't be able to ever get my license. I have a low attention span and just from getting the brain injury from my car accident, I worry I won't be able to pay attention to everything. I've driven before and it was hard paying attention to my speed and on the road. I have been afraid to drive all these years because of my car accident, but it's not fun having to depend on someone to take me here and there. I had to depend on my husband all those years and to not be able to take your kids here or there really sucked. I just felt so useless. He was supposed to help me and take me out driving but he either had no time and he didn't try to encourage me any to go drive. But in the end it's still my responsibility and I was always just to afraid. It's something I have to do. 

 Don't be afraid to be who you are. I was crippled with depression and anxiety for years and my low self-esteem kept me from writing this Memoir. Still does cripple me but not as bad. I was so afraid to let people see the real me, but I have a story to tell that if it only helps one woman than I did my job. Don't let other peoples opinions scare you into not being yourself or not doing something you want to do. If your loved ones don't believe in you, believe in yourself. Have the courage to just live your life for you, nobody else. This is your life and you need to be true to yourself and love yourself. So what if people talk or tell you they don't believe you can. Know yourself and do what your passion is with no regrets or fear. Let people talk. Your better than that. Just keep going and never give up. Be easy on yourself and love who you are with no need to explain. 

The more I work with women around their relationship issues and the more deeply I spiral into the shadow layers of my own psyche, the stronger my conviction becomes in the following statement: the need to nag is embedded into the historic and genetic code of most women. I say this not with judgement or criticism but with great love for my half of the human race and an instinctual knowing that it’s time for us to break this negative and unnecessary habit that creates stagnation within ourselves and restricts the flow of love in our relationships.

As I write this I see my own legacy of nagging, controlling, and criticizing floating in front of my mind. I see my maternal grandmother’s lips pursed in a thin, tight line that said, “I’m not happy with you right now.” I can hear her complaining about my grandfather and see the result of her years of nagging: him quietly reading in his Barcalounger encased in an invisible protective shield that he must have erected years earlier to protect himself from her need to control and silently communicated, “Leave me alone, woman.” I can feel the cellular memory of my great-grandmother, who I never met but after whom I’m named, as she filled the doorway of the house with her bulky frame and waited for my grandmother to come home from her dates so she could castigate her for “being bad”. I see my own mother and sense into what I consciously know and what my body unconsciously carries about her need to control (and how hard she’s worked to let it go). And finally I feel how it has all filtered down into me and shows up in ways that are both blatant and subtle but which are defined by a constriction in my heart, a tightening in my voice, and usually the beginning of an argument with my husband.

For all of my clients who are in relationships – whether dating, engaged, or married – the need to nag inevitably appears as a core issue that needs attention. The nagging can take many forms: controlling, criticizing, thinking you’re right, thinking that your way is better, complaining, but, again, is defined by a tight feeling that communicates to your partner that you know better. You may not think that have a tendency to control, but if you’ve ever heard your partner say something along the lines of, “Get off my back!” or “I can’t do anything right”, you’re probably a nagger.

The impulse to control often stems from fear: the fear of loss, the fear of losing ground, the fear of letting go, the of losing control. It’s an attempt to have control over time, money, socializing or a way to avoid sitting with the existential truth that you cannot control another human being. As I’ve stated above, it’s also a learned behavior, a negative habit that many women adopt simply because it’s what they witnessed growing up and absorbed as part of their genetic legacy. It’s not a pretty thing, but it’s not something to judge ourselves for either. Like any shadow aspect of one’s personality, the work is about shining the light of consciousness onto the wound and breathing into the habitual behavior with softness.

As I shared my latest realizations with a friend the other day about my own subtle yet insidious forms of controlling, I said to her, “I truly believe that part of the liberation of our planet depends on women letting go if their need to nag.” I see this time in history about each sex coming into their full power, which requires breaking out of the old paradigms which, in turn, requires vast amounts of courage. In order to embrace the fullness of our power as women, we need to find the courage that understands that softness is power. It takes courage to trust someone enough that you don’t have to micro-manage their lives. It takes courage to dive into the sometimes murky waters of intimacy and trust that your partner won’t let you drown. It takes courage to let down our guard, to crumble the brick walls, and to allow our beautiful men to be their own people and to communicate to them, “I trust you to make good decisions about your life and our life.” It’s not about staying silent around important issues. It’s about picking your battles: knowing when and how to skillfully speak up when something really matters and then to let the rest of it go. We owe it to our partners. We owe it to our children. We owe it to ourselves. And, dare I say, we owe it to the planet.

by Sheryl Paul, M.A.

5 Lies Addicts All Addicts Tell Themselves

As an addict, life is a game of survival. Day after day is dedicated to avoiding withdrawals and hiding the outward signs of chemical dependency. On top of that, feeding an addiction means developing an arsenal of psychological defense mechanisms. Simply put, addicts have to learn how to shield themselves from the reality of their behaviors.

Whether you label these defense mechanisms excuses or lies, it all boils down to rationalizing the addiction. And believe it or not, addicts lie to themselvesmore than anyone else. When your actions have tainted everything you once held dear, yet you continue participating in that pattern of destruction, lying to yourself essentially becomes the path of least resistance.

Here’s a look at five lies all addicts eventually tell themselves:

Lie #1 My addiction doesn't

 affect anyone else.

This is probably the most universal lie among addicts. Despite seeing pain and confusion on the faces of loved ones, it’s easier to deny that reality. Instead, they see loved ones as enemies trying to dictate their paths in life.  They confuse concern with control and often say things like “If I want to do drugs, then that’s what I’m going to do.”

Lie #2 I’d never be able to manage my problems without drugs/alcohol.

For addicts, even the smallest life problems can become amplified. While it’s true that everyone has issues, addicts convince themselves there’s no way to work through them without self-medicating. They often feel like the world is working against them or they’re forced to endure more stress than everyone else. What they don’t see, however, is that alcohol/drugs make things much worse. In all honesty, addiction is likely causing a majority of their problems.

By telling themselves this lie, addicts can feel as if their substance abuse is somehow warranted. It allows them to justify being stuck in a drug-fueled rut.  Their judgment eventually becomes clouded; they don’t realize a bulk of these life problems would go away if they’d only commit to a recovery plan and focus on personal growth.

Lie #3 I’m in control of my substance abuse; I can stop whenever I want to.

Control is a big deal for most addicts. This statement allows them to feel like they’re still calling the shots in life; they don’t want to admit they’re chained to their drug(s) of choice. Deep down, most addicts are desperately searching for some kind of justification and – if they can just convince themselves that addiction is a personal choice – it almost feels like they’re in control. Almost.

Lie #4 But, I’m not like so-and-so…he/she’s really in bad shape.

Addicts like to use other addicts as a way to gauge their level of substance abuse. They’ll say things like “Bob’s been busted for three DUIs, but I never get behind the wheel when I’m wasted.” As long as there’s someone out there who’s much worse off than they are, it’s easy to feel a little superior.

All this comparison really means is that the addict hasn't fallen to a deeper level of destruction. If they don’t get help, however, it’s only a matter of time.

Excuse #5 I don’t care about my life and I don’t care if my addiction kills me.

One of the lowest points an addict can get to is the one where life becomes meaningless. They are so consumed with pain and grief that the depression seems to justify the rampant substance abuse. This is a vicious cycle: the more they use, the worse they feel. When there’s no joy or pleasure left in life, there’s no reason to seek out recovery.

In reality, abusing drugs/alcohol is the largest hurdle that holds them back from leading a productive and meaningful existence. Once clean and sober, they’re able to focus and start enjoying life again. They’re also able to embrace the love and support of family, get back to the friends who truly love them, and lead the authentic, meaningful life they've missed out on for so long.

Loving Ourselves First

  If someone leaves you and you just can't deal with being alone, that's the first clue that you don't love yourself. We get into relationships and give our all to it and nothing to ourselves. I mean it's OK to be upset and miss him for awhile but not long. It's good to give and love but you need a healthy amount. You need to come first to yourself. If your constantly thinking about when he's coming home and you hate when he's away from you, that's not healthy. It's ok to miss him but not be so obsessed over when he's coming back so you can feel at one with each other again. 

 If he breaks up with you and you can't eat, sleep, or think without him than that's not healthy. You don't love yourself enough to know that it was just meant to be and there's nothing you can do to change his mind. Breakups are the most painful because that person is choosing to not be with us anymore. We end up thinking, "what is wrong with me?" "Why won't anyone stay with me?" We gave so much of ourselves that there's nothing left for us. Once we're out of those relationships, we're left with ourselves. We need to learn how to nurture ourselves and understand that that wasn't only relationship left in the world. To have healthy love we learn that we have to love ourselves in order to have healthy love with someone else. 

 That time alone is perfect for you to focus on what you need to change in a relationship because we have flaws and things we need to change. You can read self help books. They help you see what you need to do more or less. I read a lot books and learned. You can't change overnight but at least you recognize your faults and you learn what you need to change. It helped me a lot see the things I was doing wrong. Even though you kind of know, it still helps you and you will notice things and grow from it. You deserve to receive as much as you give. Don't loose yourself in a relationship and only focus on giving him love and attention. You have to love yourself and learn how to nurture yourself.

                                                                                                                                          Lisa Palmer

5 Relationship Secrets for Emotionally Empathic Souls

By Judith Orloff MD

Loneliness gets to some more than others. But why it hangs on isn’t always apparent when read by traditional medical eyes. In my medical practice and workshops I’ve been struck by how many sensitive, empathic people who I call “emotional empaths” come to me, lonely, wanting a romantic partner, yet remaining single for years. Or else they’re in relationships but feel constantly fatigued and overwhelmed. The reason isn’t simply that “there aren’t enough emotionally available people ‘out there,’” nor is their burnout “neurotic.” Personally and professionally, I’ve discovered that something more is going on.

Emotional empaths are a species unto themselves. Whereas others may thrive on the togetherness of being a couple, for empaths like me, too much togetherness can be difficult, may cause us to bolt. Why? We tend to intuit and absorb our partner’s energy, and become overloaded, anxious, or exhausted when we don’t have time to decompress in our own space. We’re super-responders; our sensory experience of relationship is the equivalent of feeling objects with fifty fingers instead of five. Energetically sensitive people unknowingly avoid romantic partnership because deep down they’re afraid of getting engulfed. Or else, they feel engulfed when coupled, a nerve-wracking, constrictive way to live. If this isn’t understood, empaths can stay perpetually lonely; we want companionship, but, paradoxically, it doesn’t feel safe. One empath-patient told me, “It helps explain why at thirty-two I’ve only had two serious relationships, each lasting less than a year.” Once we empaths learn to set boundaries and negotiate our energetic preferences, intimacy becomes possible.

For emotional empaths to be at ease in a relationship, the traditional paradigm for coupling must be redefined. Most of all, this means asserting your personal space needs–the physical and time limits you set with someone so you don’t feel they’re on top of you. Empaths can’t fully experience emotional freedom with another until they do this. Your space needs can vary with your situation, upbringing, and culture. My ideal distance to keep in public is at least an arm’s length. In doctors’ waiting rooms I’ll pile my purse and folders on the seats beside me to keep others away. With friends it’s about half that. With a mate it’s variable. Sometimes it’s rapture being wrapped in his arms; later I may need to be in a room of my own, shut away. One boyfriend who truly grasped the concept got me a “Keep Out” sign for my study door! For me, this was a sign of true love. All of us have an invisible energetic border that sets a comfort level. Identifying and communicating yours will prevent you from being bled dry by others. Then intimacy can flourish, even if you’ve felt suffocated before. Prospective mates or family members may seem like emotional vampires when you don’t know how to broach the issue of personal space. You may need to educate others–make clear that this isn’t about not loving them–but get the discussion going. Once you can, you’re able to build progressive relationships.

If you’re an empath or if the ordinary expectations of coupledom don’t jibe with you practice the following tips.

DEFINE YOUR PERSONAL SPACE NEEDS

Tips for empaths to feel at ease in a relationship

Tip 1. What to say to a potential mate

As you’re getting to know someone, share that you’re a sensitive person, that you periodically need quiet time. The right partner will be understanding; the wrong person will put you down for being “overly sensitive,” won’t respect your need.

Tip 2. Clarify your preferred sleep style

Traditionally, partners sleep in the same bed. However, some empaths never get used to this, no matter how caring a mate. Nothing personal; they just like their own sleep space. Speak up about your preferences. Feeling trapped in bed with someone, not getting a good night’s rest, is torture. Energy fields blend during sleep, which can overstimulate empaths. So, discuss options with your mate. Separate beds. Separate rooms. Sleeping together a few nights a week. Because non-empaths may feel lonely sleeping alone, make compromises when possible.

Tip 3. Negotiate your square footage needs

You may be thrilled about your beloved until you live together. Experiment with creative living conditions so your home isn’t a prison. Breathing room is mandatory. Ask yourself, “What space arrangements are optimal?” Having an area to retreat to, even if it’s a closet? A room divider? Separate bathrooms? Separate houses? I prefer having my own bedroom/office to retreat to. I also can see the beauty of separate wings or adjacent houses if affordable. Here’s why: conversations, scents, coughing, movement can feel intrusive. Even if my partner’s vibes are sublime, sometimes I’d rather not sense them even if they’re only hovering near me. I’m not just being finicky; it’s about maintaining well-being if I live with someone.

Tip 4. Travel wisely

Traveling with someone, you may want to have separate space too. Whether my companion is romantic or not, I’ll always have adjoining rooms with my own bathroom. If sharing a room is the only option, hanging a sheet as a room divider will help. “Out of sight” may make the heart grow fonder.

Tip 5. Take regular mini-breaks

Empaths require private downtime to regroup. Even a brief escape prevents emotional overload. Retreat for five minutes into the bathroom with the door shut. Take a stroll around the block. Read in a separate room. One patient told her boyfriend, “I need to disappear into a quiet room for ten minutes at a party, even if I’m having fun,” a form of self-care that he supports.

In my medical practice, I’ve seen this creative approach to relationships save marriages and make ongoing intimacies feel safe, even for emotional empaths (of all ages) who’ve been lonely and haven’t had a long-term partner before. Once you’re able to articulate your needs, emotional freedom in your relationships is possible.