Thursday, August 14, 2014

What Causes Sexual Addiction?

By MICHAEL HERKOV, PH.D

Why some people, and not others, develop an addiction to sex is poorly understood. Possibly some biochemical abnormality or other brain changes increase risk. The fact that antidepressants and other psychotropic medications have proven effective in treating some people with sex addiction suggests that this might be the case.
Studies indicate that food, abused drugs and sexual interests share a common pathway within our brains’ survival and reward systems. This pathway leads into the area of the brain responsible for our higher thinking, rational thought and judgment.
The brain tells the sex addict that having illicit sex is good the same way it tells others that food is good when they are hungry. These brain changes translate into a sex addict’s preoccupation with sex and exclusion of other interests, compulsive sexual behavior despite negative consequences and failed attempts to limit or terminate sexual behavior.
This biochemical model helps explain why competent, intelligent, goal-directed people can be so easily sidetracked by drugs and sex. The idea that, on a daily basis, a successful mother or father, doctor or businessperson can drop everything to think about sex, scheme about sex, identify sexual opportunities and take advantage of them seems unbelievable. How can this be?
The addicted brain fools the body by producing intense biochemical rewards for this self-destructive behavior.
People addicted to sex get a sense of euphoria from it that seems to go beyond that reported by most people. The sexual experience is not about intimacy. Addicts use sexual activity to seek pleasure, avoid unpleasant feelings or respond to outside stressors, such as work difficulties or interpersonal problems. This is not unlike how an alcoholic uses alcohol. In both instances, any reward gained from the experience soon gives way to guilt, remorse and promises to change.
Research also has found that sex addicts often come from dysfunctional families and are more likely than non-sex addicts to have been abused. One study found that 82 percent of sex addicts reported being sexually abused as children. Sex addicts often describe their parents as rigid, distant and uncaring. These families, including the addicts themselves, are more likely to be substance abusers. One study found that 80 percent of recovering sex addicts report some type of addiction in their families of origin.

What Is Sexual Addiction?

By MICHAEL HERKOV, PH.D

Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.
For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape.
Sex addicts do not necessarily become sex offenders. Moreover, not all sex offenders are sex addicts. Roughly 55 percent of convicted sex offenders can be considered sex addicts.
About 71 percent of child molesters are sex addicts. For many, their problems are so severe that imprisonment is the only way to ensure society’s safety against them.
Society has accepted that sex offenders act not for sexual gratification, but rather out of a disturbed need for power, dominance, control or revenge, or a perverted expression of anger. More recently, however, an awareness of brain changes and brain reward associated with sexual behavior has led us to understand that there are also powerful sexual drives that motivate sex offenses.
The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” In other words, a sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships or even arrest.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders, Volume Four describes sex addiction, under the category “Sexual Disorders Not Otherwise Specified,” as “distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by the individual only as things to be used.” According to the manual, sex addiction also involves “compulsive searching for multiple partners, compulsive fixation on an unattainable partner, compulsive masturbation, compulsive love relationships and compulsive sexuality in a relationship.”
Increasing sexual provocation in our society has spawned an increase in the number of individuals engaging in a variety of unusual or illicit sexual practices, such as phone sex, the use of escort services and computer pornography. More of these individuals and their partners are seeking help.
The same compulsive behavior that characterizes other addictions also is typical of sex addiction. But these other addictions, including drug, alcohol and gambling dependency, involve substances or activities with no necessary relationship to our survival. For example, we can live normal and happy lives without ever gambling, taking illicit drugs or drinking alcohol. Even the most genetically vulnerable person will function well without ever being exposed to, or provoked by, these addictive activities.
Sexual activity is different. Like eating, having sex is necessary for human survival. Although some people are celibate — some not by choice, while others choose celibacy for cultural or religious reasons — healthy humans have a strong desire for sex. In fact, lack of interest or low interest in sex can indicate a medical problem or psychiatric illness.

Building Empowerment After Sexual AssaultHealing from sexual assault is a process, and recovery is different for everyone. When working with clients who have been sexually assaulted, I attempt to provide some general guidelines that may prove useful in their individual journeys.
The healing process is multifaceted. It involves:
1. Asserting boundaries related to disclosure.
2. Assigning accountability to the perpetrator.
3. Managing self-blame.
4. Realizing that many people lack education or experience related to dealing with survivors.
Empowerment deals with increasing an individual’s or groups’ abilities to make purposeful choices, then transform those choices into constructive actions and outcomes. Some general guidelines for building empowerment include the following:
  • Selective disclosure. You are the gatekeeper of your own story and information. Many survivors feel that they must tell family members, friends, or intimate partners about the sexual assault. They feel as if they are lying if they do not disclose the information. There is no obligation to share your story. Only you can choose with whom to share it, how much to share, and when and where you share.
  • Editing the details is not about shame. Owning the right to your own story and experience is not about shame. It is about strength and empowerment. People may have questions that make you uncomfortable. Asserting boundaries by informing them that you do not want to share details is a form of good self-care. Since empowerment involves considering options and choices, managing disclosure is an excellent place to start.
  • Sexual assault is never your fault. Many survivors have shared with me that they feel in some way responsible for their assault: that they were drinking, “should have known better” than to go to someone’s room or apartment, or should have been able to get away or defend themselves. This is an entirely normal reaction, but one that needs to be challenged when it arises. Sexual assault is a crime, the perpetrator is a criminal, and nothing that you did or didn’t do, said, wore, or ingested contributed to that fact. Empowerment includes holding the perpetrator accountable for the crime.
  • People may react in unexpected ways. Many people lack a template to deal with painful issues. You may not accurately predict how someone will respond. Incidents of “foot in mouth” may abound. For example, people often feel at a loss when dealing with death. If you have ever been at the receiving end of thoughtless comments at a loved one’s funeral, you are familiar with this principle. “He is in a better place” usually is not comforting for the grieving parties. Sexual assault is one of those hot-button issues that bring up all kinds of responses, some of them less than helpful. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
  • Allow yourself to be human. Having reactions to events is part of being human. Traumatic events are in a class of their own. It is normal to feel that “I should be over this by now, it happened a long time ago,” or to feel somehow weak or deficient for continuing to feel effects from sexual assault. This is like punishing yourself for having normal human thoughts, feelings, and reactions.Trauma specialist Dr. Bessel van der Kolk has stated that “What most people do not realize is that trauma is not the story of something awful that happened in the past, but the residue of imprints left behind in people’s sensory and hormonal systems.”
  • You are not alone. It may be helpful to reach out to a community sexual assault agency or skilled therapist to obtain information, ask questions, and receive guidance in your healing process. Information is power and interdependence is an optimal state for humans. For more information, contact the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) atwww.rainn.org, or call The National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014


There's Nothing Selfish About Suicide

  Posted: Updated: 
Print Article
ROBIN WILLIAMS

I am a survivor of suicide.
I don't talk about it a lot these days, as I've reached the point where it feels like a lifetime ago. Healing was a long and grief-stricken process. There were times when I felt very alone in my grief and there were times when I felt lost and confused. The trouble with suicide is that no one knows what to say. No one knows how to react. So they smile and wave and attempt distraction... but they never ever say the word. The survivors, it seems, are often left to survive on their own.
I experienced endless waves of emotion in the days, weeks, months and even years following the loss of my father. The "what ifs" kept me up at night, causing me to float through each day in a state of perpetual exhaustion. What if I had answered the phone that night? Would the sound of my voice have changed his mind? Would he have done it at a later date, anyway? Survivor's guilt, indeed.
Sometimes, I cried. Sometimes, I sat perfectly still watching the waves crash down on Main Beach, hoping for a sign of some kind that he had reached a better place. Sometimes, I silently scolded myself for not seeing the warning signs. Sometimes, I bargained with God or anyone else who might be in charge up there. Bring him back to us. Please, just bring him back. Sometimes I felt angry. Why us? Why me? Why him?
Yes, I experienced a range of emotions before making peace with the loss. But one thought that never ever (not even for one second) crossed my mind was this ill-informed opinion that suicide is selfish. Suicide is a lot of things, but selfish isn't one of them.
Suicide is a decision made out of desperation, hopelessness, isolation and loneliness. The black hole that is clinical depression is all-consuming. Feeling like a burden to loved ones, feeling like there is no way out, feeling trapped and feeling isolated are all common among people who suffer from depression.
People who say that suicide is selfish always reference the survivors. It's selfish to leave children, spouses and other family members behind, so they say. They're not thinking about the survivors, or so they would have us believe. What they don't know is that those very loved ones are the reason many people hang on for just one more day. They do think about the survivors, probably up until the very last moment in many cases. But the soul-crushing depression that envelops them leaves them feeling like there is no alternative. Like the only way to get out is to opt out. And that is a devastating thought to endure.
Until you've stared down that level of depression, until you've lost your soul to a sea of emptiness and darkness... you don't get to make those judgments. You might not understand it, and you are certainly entitled to your own feelings, but making those judgments and spreading that kind of negativity won't help the next person. In fact, it will only hurt others.
As the world mourns the loss of Robin Williams, people everywhere are left feeling helpless and confused. How could someone who appeared so happy in actuality be so very depressed? The truth is that many, many people face the very same struggle each and every day. Some will commit suicide. Some will attempt. And some will hang on for dear life. Most won't be able to ask for the help that they need to overcome their mental illness.
You can help.
Know the warning signs for suicide. 50-75% of people who attempt suicide will tell someone about their intention. Listen when people talk. Make eye contact. Convey empathy. And for the love of people everywhere, put down that ridiculous not-so-SmartPhone and be human.
Check in on friends struggling with depression. Even if they don't answer the phone or come to the door, make an effort to let them know that you are there. Friendship isn't about saving lost souls; friendship is about listening and being present.
Reach out to survivors of suicide. Practice using the words "suicide" and "depression" so that they roll off the tongue as easily as "unicorns" and "bubble gum." Listen as they tell their stories. Hold their hands. Be kind with their hearts. And hug them every single time.
Encourage help. Learn about the resources in your area so that you can help friends and loved ones in need. Don't be afraid to check in over and over again. Don't be afraid to convey your concern. One human connection can make a big difference in the life of someone struggling with mental illness and/or survivor's guilt.
30,000 people commit suicide in the United States each year. 750,000 people attempt suicide. It's time to raise awareness, increase empathy and kindness, and bring those numbers down.
It's time to talk about suicide and depression.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Five Crucial Truths About Love Addiction. Seriously.

Love addiction sounds like the quieter, less raunchy cousin of sex addiction. For many of us it is emotionally and psychologically damaging beyond measure.

Shutterstock
Virginia Stirling Chapel was at work, crying on the boardroom floor in the dark, when she first realized she had serious trouble when it came to love and relationships. “I suddenly said to myself, “Maybe this is not just luck. Maybe I have a problem,” she recalls. At the time, Stirling Chapel was dating a man her friend had dubbed “the hamster man” - a guy she “didn’t even like” and “wasn’t attracted to,” yet she still felt completely devastated that he was flirting with other women. 
“Lenny” (name changed), a 31-year-old sober woman in San Francisco, remembers the roots of her problem being planted further back, as a child. Early on, she explains, “the devastation I felt in and after a relationship was out of proportion to the circumstances. After a ‘break-up’ in second grade, my best friend had no idea why I was upset. I remember friends pointing out to me in 8th grade that I was choosing boys over friendships, and that I was obsessed.”
Both Lenny and Stirling Chapel (author of Stalking Sly Stallone and Other Unfortunate Choices: a Memoir by a Love and Sex Addict) identify as love addicts, a term made popular in recovery circles at least partially by Pia Mellody, whose book Facing Love Addiction has been used as a sort of mini-Bible in addressing the issue for more than 20 years. Mellody didn’t coin the term or create the concept - the term “love addiction” was reportedly first used by Otto Fenichel in his 1945 book The Psychoanalytic Theory of Neurosis, expanded on in the ‘70s by Stanton Peele in Love and Addiction, and further popularized in 1976 after Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) was founded, in Boston, by a member of AA.
Since then, love addiction has generally been lumped in with sex addiction as its quieter, less raunchy cousin - sides of a similar coin that can be tackled via the 12-step SLAA route. But both love addiction and sex addiction are controversial “diagnoses,” and  psych experts have wildly contrasting opinions about their legitimacy. There has yet to be a mention of love addiction in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), and it’s often not considered a “real” addiction with real consequences, like drug addiction or alcoholism. 
Here are five essential realities of love addiction:
1. Love addiction is a “process addiction,” or an addiction to mood-altering activities and behaviors, according to Sherry Gaba, LCSW and author of The Law of Sobriety: Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery. But not taking it seriously is a mistake: “It is confirmed scientifically that process addictions such as love addiction affect the same brain reward system as chemical addictions, and in fact can be equally debilitating as drug or alcohol addictions.”
2. While other addicts may obsess over their next fix of whiskey or cocaine, love addicts obsess, in a near-constant state of preoccupation, about a person, romance, intrigue or fantasy. “Love addiction is an illusion where the love addict makes up who they want their partner to be rather than who their partner really is,” Gaba says. It’s a chronic craving for romantic love, which the addict pursues via “maladaptive, compulsive, and self defeating behaviors” that result in the addict’s diminished capacity for healthy or loving relationships - with other people as well as herself. “During the infatuation phase you believe you have security, only to be disappointed and empty again once the intensity fades,” Gaba describes. 
3. The roots and “causes” of love addiction are murky and variable depending on the person, but it can often be traced back to childhood experiences of rejection, abandonment, or physical/sexual abuse. A result of these tenuous childhood attachments is that adult love addicts might feel insecure in their relationships, their identities and their sense of self. The idea of fulfilling some grand, dramatic quest for a perfect love can help the addict escape their uncomfortable everyday reality by slipping into a safer fantasy world.
4. It’s unclear how many love addicts are out there. It’s obviously not as measurable or easily defined a condition as alcoholism or drug addiction, and many people don’t even realize they ARE addicted, or that such a condition exists. But one thing many love addicts share, as Pia Mellody outlines in Facing Love Addiction, is finding themselves inexplicably drawn into toxic cyclical relationships with “love avoidants.” Mellody dubs this the “addiction/avoidance relationship cycle,” and it’s marked by an addict pursuing - and then getting rejected by - a distant, closed-off love object over and over. 
It’s a painful cycle that can be fraught with jealousy, manipulation, fighting, and always the old addictive stalwart: obsession. Love addict “Lenny” remembers, “My crazy destructive jealousy made [my addiction] real apparent.” She had been sober in AA for a while before realizing, at age 23, that she might need a different sort of help, from SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). “After I stopped drinking, I realized I really couldn't stop calling to check up on my boyfriend or [driving] 80 miles to see where he was, and I couldn't blame it on being drunk anymore,” she recalls.
5. As Lenny illustrates, being in a different 12-step program is a common way for recovering love and sex addicts to stumble into SLAA, which has a similar format and abstinence-based approach, but its own literature. Stirling Chapel was in her late thirties when she first learned about SLAA’s existence. She remembers, “A woman said to me on the way into a Long’s Drug store after an Al-Anon meeting, ‘Have you ever considered Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous?’ I’d never heard of it and I’ve never seen her again. She saved my life.”
Stirling Chapel then dove headfirst into SLAA, where she attended four or five meetings per week as well as four Al-Anon meetings. This combination worked for her eventually - but it took lots of time and lots of work, including assistance from an outside professional. “The 12-step model works, sponsorship works, and I didn’t make full use of that; if I had, I would have recovered more quickly,” she says. 
There are other modes of treatment beyond the 12-step route, of course - just like with other addictions, love addicts can also try residential, intensive outpatient, or psychological counseling/therapy. Just don’t expect to see a ton of men there - though men are as likely to suffer from love addiction as women are, they’re less likely to reach out for help, instead choosing to stuff their feelings and “not express their emotions as openly and honestly when answering research questions, out of fear they will appear weak or unmanly,” Gaba explains.
So, what does “recovery” from love addiction look like? Gaba’s professional verdict: “more awareness, more boundaries, less manipulation, and less attacking” in relationships. Recovery allows for “realistic expectations in what one expects in a partner,” she says. 
Stirling Chapel agrees. For her, recovery has meant “learning to live alone, to be happy alone, to have bottom lines and to stick with them.” She eventually married a man she met in recovery; though they’ve been married for 13 years, she’s quick to mention that it hasn’t been easy. The couple have long attended Recovering Couples Anonymous meetings together, which helped them grow by leaps and bounds.
For Lenny, overcoming love addiction has meant “not using love and relationships as a replacement for dealing with my issues.” How she’s tackled that? By consciously working on “building a life that is rich and fulfilling outside of a relationship, as well as working on building self-esteem.” Not the “self-esteem” that comes from external sources (looks, car, money, etc.), but “really feeling good about who I am as a person on this planet.”

All Organic Garcinia Cambogia

Butt Lift Workout: 6 Butt Exercises That Work Wonders - Butt Lift Workout: 6 Butt Exercises That Work Wonders - Shape Magazine

I AM THE TRUTH: the one who came to set you free.  As the Holy Spirit controls your mind and actions more fully, you become free in Me. You are increasingly released to become the one I created you to be. This is a work that I do in you as you yield to my Spirit. I do my best handiwork when you sit in the stillness of My Presence, focusing your entire being in Me. 
Let My thoughts burst freely upon your consciousness, stimulating abundant Life. I am the way and the truth and the life. As you follow Me, I lead you along paths of newness: ways you never imagined. Don't worry about what is on the road up ahead. I want you to find your security in knowing Me, the one who died to set you free. 


                                                                             John 8:32, Philippians 2:13, John 14:6


Wednesday, July 30, 2014

                     "Hold My Hand-And Trust"




    So long as your conscious of My Presence with you, all is well. It's virtually impossible to stumble while walking in the light with Me. I designed you to enjoy me above all else. You find the deepest fulfillment of your heart in Me alone. Fearful, anxious thoughts melt away in the Light of My presence. When you turn away from Me, you are vulnerable to the darkness that is always at work in the world. Don't be surprised by how easily you sin when you forget to cling to My hand. In the world, dependency is seen as immaturity. But in My Kingdom, dependence on me is a prime measure of maturity. 

                                   Isaiah 41:10/Psalm 62:5-6
 

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Cinnamon, Honey, Green Tea Smoothie Recipe

Green Tea Cinnamon Honey Smoothie

NOTES

Use two or more green tea bags to brew a cup or two of green tea, depending on how strong you'd like it, then keep the tea chilled in your fridge until ready to use. You can also add greens of your choice, like kale or spinach, to add a few more nutrients to this smoothie without altering the taste.

INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup green tea, chilled
1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 tablespoon high-quality honey
1/2 banana

DIRECTIONS

  1. Add one to two scoops of ice to blender along with all ingredients.
  2. Blend until smooth. Serve immediately.
  3. Makes one serving.

Monday, July 28, 2014

                            "Change Yourself, Not Your Spouse"


  I learned my lesson in my marriage to change you first. My ex-husband had issues and I tried to change him. I was always trying to change myself and grow from my mistakes. I read a lot of self-help books, but I would try to diagnose him myself and tell him what he needs to change and where he needs to grow, but he wasn't interested in changing so I finally learned that you can only change yourself. So, this is what I've learned. 

 It's hard on a marriage or relationship when one person is the only one doing the growing and changing. Your up here and he's down here. That's not saying I'm above him or better than he is. He just wasn't ready to see and change what he could. We all need to be reading or searching self-improvement to change ourselves, look at ourselves and better love ourselves so that we can be better for those in our lives. If we want to influence change in our spouse we must first begin to change our own negative patterns which may contribute to the relationship problems.

 I know the issues I had and was never ashamed to admit them. I know I'm not perfect and I wasn't a perfect Wife or Mother. I didn't really have a good role model growing up, so I learned through books and wisdom from other married woman. Try not to complain or nag about the issues that need to be dealt with. Try to set a time to sit and discuss it seriously and make it clear that you are willing to love yourself enough to leave the relationship if these issues cannot be worked out.

 Try not to interrupt or correct when your partner speaks. Each person has the right to their own perception.  We cannot truly know another person’s perception if we are too busy defending our own and needing to have the last word. I have that issue. It's hard to break habits so it takes patience and practice. The definition of defensive is being closed to new information. Connection and understanding can only come from listening. When we truly listen we will better know where we can be more flexible and where we need to hold our limits. I was very defensive because I hated to be wrong. I wanted to be that perfect spouse and hated that I had flaws. I still do, but I've learned and am still learning. 

Don't start the conversation out of a negative place, start by expressing how you want things to be.  When we are clear about what we want this keeps things moving forward into a new solution and a new direction. There is nothing more off putting than constantly hearing how unhappy someone is. It is much better to hear what someone wants.

 Maintain the privacy and confidentiality of what your partner shares with you and refrain from sharing all your issues with friends and family. When nothing is private it allows other people’s opinions to effect and damage our own perception of our relationships and it can serve to make others not like your partner. 

 Give your partner undivided attention and love. We need to put down the phone or magazine and turn off the TV. Intimacy can only happen when people are taking time to genuinely connect and love each other. Talking, playing, being sexual and spending uninterrupted time is often all the relationship needs to repair and enliven.

 Make an effort to consistently show your partner what they have to say is of great importance to you. To be acknowledged, heard, loved, recognized and understood are the basic things we all need from those we love. It is easy to get lazy when we are in love but it is the last thing we should do. It shows a lack of gratitude for this great love we have in our life. 
Many of us are so focused on our partner being our ‘enemy’ because they are not perfectly meeting our needs that we create unnecessary chaos to actually feel something. If we are doing this, then we are not anchored enough in loving ourselves. If we truly love ourselves we will be less needy of our partners and have less of a need to pick at them to change. The best gift you give to any relationship is to take full responsibility for loving yourself. In this way, you will have the ability to practice loving someone else in a more mature and independent way.

Friday, July 25, 2014

5 Crucial Keys To Moving On & Dating After Divorce


by Theodore Henderson, Bestselling Author of The Wisdom Compass and Speaker at The Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce Mountain Retreat
During and after your divorce, emotions and feelings you didn’t know you had swirl around, stay at the top of your mind, and possibly keep you up at night.  Now what?  If you are like most people you are probably some version of a mental mess but you realize you need to start a new life. What should you do? Here are the five keys to moving on after divorce—and five essential rules for dating again once you have moved on and are ready to rebuild your life.
1.  Choose The Right Friends
First, you must start associating with people who support you having a new life.  It’s best to avoid anchoring yourself into relationships with friends and family who are still telling you that you shouldn’t have gotten a divorce. Or worse yet, feeding you “fuel” for your post divorce pity party. Instead, immediately seek out and move into environments that will support a positive new life.
2.  You Don’t Have to Be Sad
Forget what you see in the movies.  You don’t need to sit in a dark room crying your eyes out or drinking yourself silly.  I enjoyed “Under the Tuscan Sun” but she didn’t get it together until she left the old life behind.  Move on!
3. Realize Divorce is an Opportunity Rather Than a Loss
Remember your divorce is an opportunity for rebirth and the creation of a new life.  Seize it and run with it.  The best way to do that is to “shut up” about your divorce, start concentrating on dating, and form new relationships.
4. You Must Re-Learn How to Date
You need to learn how to date again unless you were only married for a very short while. Many of those who were married try it again and the odds only get dramatically worse the second or third time (or more).  The divorce rate for first time marriages is close to 50 percent and if you are brave enough to try it a third time (or more) it’s over 70 percent!  What’s going on?
  • The problem isn’t in the marrying—it’s in the choosing and the choosing starts with dating.  Here are some quick tips.
  • Don’t wait for the perfect one but don’t settle for the wrong one.
  • Weed out people who shouldn’t be in your life and remember that you shouldn’t need to convince him or her that they love you.
  • Get clarity on what realistically works for you in a relationship.  Forget fantasy. Instead focus on the 3-5 things that are non-negotiable and compromise on some of the others if appropriate.
  • Don’t visit the past relationship on the new person.  A new person is a new chapter.
5. Enjoy First Dates
Discover how to act on a date with a new person, who you don’t have a relationship with. And learn how to date intelligently and enjoy yourself. Here are five rules for dating after divorce:
Rule #1 – Be Yourself.  This doesn’t mean throw your entire life on the table but instead simply relax, chat, and explore what you have in common.  If you can’t do these three things it’s either you or them and if it’s you adjust your behavior.  If it’s them you may not need a second date.
Rule #2 – No Sob Story.  You aren’t on a date to either complain about your ex or tell your date how you wish you were still married.  Not many behaviors are more unattractive on a date than going on and on about your past marriage.  It’s bad form and bad manners.  Remember be yourself and be honest but don’t vomit your previous marriage and relationships on your date.
Rule #3 – Your Date Isn’t a Session With a Shrink.  If you’ve been through a divorce, especially after a long-term marriage then you have probably been to therapy. Maybe you learned in therapy that your insecurities in relationships stem from the fact that you had issues as a child. This might all be interesting to you but be assured your date will only think you’re nuts if you share too much information. Keep it between yourself and your therapist.
Rule #4 – Show Interest and be Interesting.  Get to know the person you are out with. Ask questions and listen with real interest. Nothing is more flattering to another individual than knowing what they have to say has value for the other person. Don’t forget it helps you also because you learn more about the other party and can make a better-informed decision about the relationship as well as whether you want another date.
Rule #5 – It’s Only a Date.  No rule says you can’t date just to date.  Have some fun.  You don’t have to discuss life ever after or the next forty years together.  Enjoy the show or whatever you are doing and decide when you get home if you will go out with the same person again.
If you remember the five crucial keys to moving on after divorce and the five rules of dating, chances are good you’ll be happier and have more fun as you rebuild your life after divorce.
To meet like minded people who are rebuilding and enjoying their lives after divorce, join Theodore Henderson and 14 other authors and experts at The Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce Mountain Retreat September 15-17, 2012 at North Lake Tahoe. You’ll discover the biggest mistakes divorced people make when dating again, how to reconnect with what makes you happy, how to rebuild your wealth after divorce and much more. 

Thursday, July 17, 2014

 Don't allow what's happened in your past, to stop you from doing what you need or want. The past no longer defines who you are as a person. We all grow and learn as the years go by. We grow by our mistakes. If we didn't make mistakes than we wouldn't learn. Our mistakes make us stronger and more confident. Your who you are today because of your past. Don't look at what you've done, think about how you overcame it. Think about how much stronger you are today because of life's trials. Each problem is a stepping stone in the right direction. I was married for 17 years and now I'm divorced. I don't look at it as a mistake. It was still meant to be at that time and it was stepping stones into my future. Just be you and love who you are as a person.  Lisa~