5 Crucial Keys To Moving On & Dating After Divorce

by Theodore Henderson, Bestselling Author of The Wisdom Compass and Speaker at The Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce Mountain Retreat

During and after your divorce, emotions and feelings you didn’t know you had swirl around, stay at the top of your mind, and possibly keep you up at night.  Now what?  If you are like most people you are probably some version of a mental mess but you realize you need to start a new life. What should you do? Here are the five keys to moving on after divorce—and five essential rules for dating again once you have moved on and are ready to rebuild your life.

1.  Choose The Right Friends

First, you must start associating with people who support you having a new life.  It’s best to avoid anchoring yourself into relationships with friends and family who are still telling you that you shouldn’t have gotten a divorce. Or worse yet, feeding you “fuel” for your post divorce pity party. Instead, immediately seek out and move into environments that will support a positive new life.

2.  You Don’t Have to Be Sad

Forget what you see in the movies.  You don’t need to sit in a dark room crying your eyes out or drinking yourself silly.  I enjoyed “Under the Tuscan Sun” but she didn’t get it together until she left the old life behind.  Move on!

3. Realize Divorce is an Opportunity Rather Than a Loss

Remember your divorce is an opportunity for rebirth and the creation of a new life.  Seize it and run with it.  The best way to do that is to “shut up” about your divorce, start concentrating on dating, and form new relationships.

4. You Must Re-Learn How to Date

You need to learn how to date again unless you were only married for a very short while. Many of those who were married try it again and the odds only get dramatically worse the second or third time (or more).  The divorce rate for first time marriages is close to 50 percent and if you are brave enough to try it a third time (or more) it’s over 70 percent!  What’s going on?

• The problem isn’t in the marrying—it’s in the choosing and the choosing starts with dating.  Here are some quick tips.
• Don’t wait for the perfect one but don’t settle for the wrong one.
• Weed out people who shouldn’t be in your life and remember that you shouldn’t need to convince him or her that they love you.
• Get clarity on what realistically works for you in a relationship.  Forget fantasy. Instead focus on the 3-5 things that are non-negotiable and compromise on some of the others if appropriate.
• Don’t visit the past relationship on the new person.  A new person is a new chapter.

5. Enjoy First Dates

Discover how to act on a date with a new person, who you don’t have a relationship with. And learn how to date intelligently and enjoy yourself. Here are five rules for dating after divorce:

Rule #1 – Be Yourself.  This doesn’t mean throw your entire life on the table but instead simply relax, chat, and explore what you have in common.  If you can’t do these three things it’s either you or them and if it’s you adjust your behavior.  If it’s them you may not need a second date.

Rule #2 – No Sob Story.  You aren’t on a date to either complain about your ex or tell your date how you wish you were still married.  Not many behaviors are more unattractive on a date than going on and on about your past marriage.  It’s bad form and bad manners.  Remember be yourself and be honest but don’t vomit your previous marriage and relationships on your date.

Rule #3 – Your Date Isn’t a Session With a Shrink.  If you’ve been through a divorce, especially after a long-term marriage then you have probably been to therapy. Maybe you learned in therapy that your insecurities in relationships stem from the fact that you had issues as a child. This might all be interesting to you but be assured your date will only think you’re nuts if you share too much information. Keep it between yourself and your therapist.

Rule #4 – Show Interest and be Interesting.  Get to know the person you are out with. Ask questions and listen with real interest. Nothing is more flattering to another individual than knowing what they have to say has value for the other person. Don’t forget it helps you also because you learn more about the other party and can make a better-informed decision about the relationship as well as whether you want another date.

Rule #5 – It’s Only a Date.  No rule says you can’t date just to date.  Have some fun.  You don’t have to discuss life ever after or the next forty years together.  Enjoy the show or whatever you are doing and decide when you get home if you will go out with the same person again.

If you remember the five crucial keys to moving on after divorce and the five rules of dating, chances are good you’ll be happier and have more fun as you rebuild your life after divorce.

To meet like minded people who are rebuilding and enjoying their lives after divorce, join Theodore Henderson and 14 other authors and experts at The Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce Mountain Retreat September 15-17, 2012 at North Lake Tahoe. You’ll discover the biggest mistakes divorced people make when dating again, how to reconnect with what makes you happy, how to rebuild your wealth after divorce and much more.