My Story.....

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I love to read, write, play pool & help others. I love being with my 3 blessings! I have a gorgeous daughter, Meggan~23 and 2 handsome sons. Brian~20 and Joshua~16. I wouldn't be anything without my babies. They're my greatest accomplishment! 
I pray my words, pictures, and what I post about give you encouragement and help inspire you to love deeper and believe there is a life out there for you. You need to have faith and believe in YOU. 
I married a Soldier so I was a Military Wife for 17 yrs. and now we're divorced. I am part German, Irish, English, and Ukraine. Trying to focus on my writing. I'm working on my Memoir and Suspense Romance Novels. I want my story of abuse and my addictions  to help other woman and teens. I went through a lot of trauma growing up and still found joy and I know you can too!

Friday, September 12, 2014

                                          "I Need More"

                    Don't get to close, it's dark inside, that's where my demons hide
                                                                                                         Imagine Dragons

     It is with such a heavy heart that I tell you my cousin died early this morning. My heart goes out to him and he will so be missed! I wanted to talk about addiction. My cousin was an addict also. A lot of people in my family are. I wish people would get educated about addiction because it's sad that people just think we're stupid for choosing drugs over our kids, family, job, ect.. We do not choose that. The brain makes us choose that. If you learn about how the brain works especially in addiction than you would understand better. If we could choose, we would choose the right path. When you feel that first high, there is nothing like it in this world. It calls to you literally. It's a monster. Yes, some of us hate life and hate our problems and that makes us want to use even more. We feel so empty inside and lost in life. We don't know what our purpose is in life. We tend to fail at certain things and when you have a family and friends calling you a loser and low life, it's a wander we don't kill ourselves sooner. It doesn't help to threaten the addict or take things away. 

 I know when I was in a car accident back in 93', I got on pain meds at 19 to get out of back pain and neck pain. I was on those for 17 years. I did get addicted. Everybody does if your on them a long enough. My body was addicted as well. I had to keep going up in dose just to get the same effect from when I started them. When they put me on Percocet, I was up to 15 a day or more. I was seriously addicted. I stopped on my own and they said all that percocet will kill my liver so they put me on Oxycontin. Bad idea...I was really addicted to those. I would take two at a time. I played it safe though because I had 3 kids to take care of and live for. I hear people snort them and take up to 50 pills a day. I snorted some but I took 2-3 at most and instead of every 4-6 hrs. I would start every 4 hours and than every 2 hours. I'd run short and have to withdraw till it was due to get my pills again. I actually fell asleep while walking to the kitchen and busted my head on the entertainment center. Oxycontin is strong shit. But, I swore I'd never get worse and I'd never try shooting up or heroin. I was addicted to cocaine when I was in my teens. I knew someone introduced it to me, I'd be in trouble. I tried to stay away from addicts. I can't believe how powerful these drugs are over your mind. 

 I had a boyfriend who introduced me to snorting pills. So, I immediately got addicted. I have tried heroin and got addicted to that. I was on it for 2 months and than I stopped on my own. I knew I was getting out of control doing 10 bags a day! There's a little amount in each bag but still. Than, he introduced me again to cocaine. I got hooked. I'm just amazed at how strong my will power is and I can stop on my own but it took awhile because it had me good. I just kept chasing that high. I knew I needed to stay alive for myself and for my kids. It's bad enough they have the father he is. I was so bad that it's like the ONLY thing on your mind. How can I get more?? Where and when? What if I steal money than I can get some because I'm so sick and need relief. When your withdrawing, you'll do anything to feel better. Now I have morals and values but it came close. It's just that bad. It's evil. It makes you do evil things. Withdraw is pure hell and evil. I went through it plenty of times. I mean it kills you to think how much money you spend on this crap when you need money for other things. It kills us inside and we know what we do is wrong but the damn brain tells us to ignore that and just do more. Now and again! One more time. It's a vicious cycle. It's seriously a brain disease. It's proven. Not saying ok it gets us off the hook for the bad we do, but it sure explains to others that we're not doing that because we have no morals or values or willpower. It's in our brain and we crave it and need it. It sucks for us to have to fight this. We fight our mind daily on stopping this shit but our brain ends up winning the battle. We hate our self for what we're doing so we do more and more. We want to stop, well, some of us. Not being able to see my children has destroyed me and that didn't help. It's crazy because I would sit and write to keep my mind off it and read, but no, it sneaks in there again and that's all you think about. It's constant and drives you crazy until you go get some. It's sad that people can't accept that it's a real mental disease. They've compared the brain of users and non users and done so many tests. Why do you think so many people today are hooked on pills? Yes, older people anyone. No matter who you are or what you do, it will hook you. Believe that. Your not stupid. Your just lost and your brain takes over. People are addicted to cigarettes and even alcohol and people don't really look down on them. Addiction is addiction. It runs your life period. Cigarettes have a thousand chemicals in them like our drugs do. So, they don't called stupid. They waste money on them. Anyhow, just wanted to share some of this with you all. Thanks for reading! 

This addicts need help and it's very hard to get the help you need like here in Delaware. They are very few suboxone doctors who put you on this medicine for 2 weeks. It's an opiate blocker and helps you with withdraw. But, they all say they're program is full and also your only on it two weeks so once you get off it, your gonna go right back to drugs. My doctor had me on it 2 years and it helps you not crave drugs. I did great on it! It has half an opiate in it but that's it. It's sad that they throw addicts in jail when they need rehab not jail! Also, they don't help you go through withdraw. You have to do it on your own with no meds to help you. It's sad. Addiction is all over the world. Your sister or brother may be doing it or your cousin. It's not a respecter of persons. It doesn't care who you are, it will grab you and hook you. I've swore I'd never get out of control but I did. I'm clean now but it took all my will power. The temptation will always be there. Your never free from addiction. It's always right around the corner. You can live a perfectly normal life without it. But you need family and friends that support you or it won't happen. I don't have family or friends to support me. I did it on my own. Well, just thought I'd share my addiction story. Down below I posted about addiction from another article I have on here. Just to help explain. 

Research on the brain indicates that addiction is about powerful memories, and recovery is a slow process in which the influence of those memories is diminished. Both addictive drugs and highly pleasurable or intense experiences (such as a life or death thrill, a crime, or an orgasm) trigger the release of the brain chemical dopamine, which in turn creates a reward circuit in the brain. This circuit registers that intense experience as "important" and creates lasting memories of it as a pleasurable experience. Dopamine changes the brain on a cellular level, commanding the brain to "do it again," which heightens the possibility of relapse even long after the behavior (or drug) has 
Additional research on addiction indicates that dopamine is not just a messenger that dictates what feels good; it is also tells the brain what is important and what to pay attention to in order to survive. And the more powerful the experience is, the stronger the message is to the brain to repeat the activity for survival. Additionally, those who have fewer salient things in their lives that capture their interest and attention are more vulnerable to those things that may give them a rush and alert the brain in a powerful way.
This research on dopamine goes a long way in explaining how someone can become addicted to something that can become so destructive and detrimental in their lives and the lives of those they love. It also helps to explain why meditation, yoga, exercise and acupuncture can be helpful tools in the fight against addiction, as they address the physiology and biochemistry of the individual. Battling addiction is not simply a matter of will-power, but also is about transforming an individual's body, mind, and life and creating a new set of experiences for the brain to register as important and pleasurable. It is also about patience, healing, not taking relapse personally, and the passage of time to allow the memories to fade

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