Don't be afraid to be who you are. I was crippled with depression and anxiety for years and my low self-esteem kept me from writing this Memoir. Still does cripple me but not as bad. I was so afraid to let people see the real me, but I have a story to tell that if it only helps one woman than I did my job. Don't let other peoples opinions scare you into not being yourself or not doing something you want to do. If your loved ones don't believe in you, believe in yourself. Have the courage to just live your life for you, nobody else. This is your life and you need to be true to yourself and love yourself. So what if people talk or tell you they don't believe you can. Know yourself and do what your passion is with no regrets or fear. Let people talk. Your better than that. Just keep going and never give up. Be easy on yourself and love who you are with no need to explain. 

The more I work with women around their relationship issues and the more deeply I spiral into the shadow layers of my own psyche, the stronger my conviction becomes in the following statement: the need to nag is embedded into the historic and genetic code of most women. I say this not with judgement or criticism but with great love for my half of the human race and an instinctual knowing that it’s time for us to break this negative and unnecessary habit that creates stagnation within ourselves and restricts the flow of love in our relationships.

As I write this I see my own legacy of nagging, controlling, and criticizing floating in front of my mind. I see my maternal grandmother’s lips pursed in a thin, tight line that said, “I’m not happy with you right now.” I can hear her complaining about my grandfather and see the result of her years of nagging: him quietly reading in his Barcalounger encased in an invisible protective shield that he must have erected years earlier to protect himself from her need to control and silently communicated, “Leave me alone, woman.” I can feel the cellular memory of my great-grandmother, who I never met but after whom I’m named, as she filled the doorway of the house with her bulky frame and waited for my grandmother to come home from her dates so she could castigate her for “being bad”. I see my own mother and sense into what I consciously know and what my body unconsciously carries about her need to control (and how hard she’s worked to let it go). And finally I feel how it has all filtered down into me and shows up in ways that are both blatant and subtle but which are defined by a constriction in my heart, a tightening in my voice, and usually the beginning of an argument with my husband.

For all of my clients who are in relationships – whether dating, engaged, or married – the need to nag inevitably appears as a core issue that needs attention. The nagging can take many forms: controlling, criticizing, thinking you’re right, thinking that your way is better, complaining, but, again, is defined by a tight feeling that communicates to your partner that you know better. You may not think that have a tendency to control, but if you’ve ever heard your partner say something along the lines of, “Get off my back!” or “I can’t do anything right”, you’re probably a nagger.

The impulse to control often stems from fear: the fear of loss, the fear of losing ground, the fear of letting go, the of losing control. It’s an attempt to have control over time, money, socializing or a way to avoid sitting with the existential truth that you cannot control another human being. As I’ve stated above, it’s also a learned behavior, a negative habit that many women adopt simply because it’s what they witnessed growing up and absorbed as part of their genetic legacy. It’s not a pretty thing, but it’s not something to judge ourselves for either. Like any shadow aspect of one’s personality, the work is about shining the light of consciousness onto the wound and breathing into the habitual behavior with softness.

As I shared my latest realizations with a friend the other day about my own subtle yet insidious forms of controlling, I said to her, “I truly believe that part of the liberation of our planet depends on women letting go if their need to nag.” I see this time in history about each sex coming into their full power, which requires breaking out of the old paradigms which, in turn, requires vast amounts of courage. In order to embrace the fullness of our power as women, we need to find the courage that understands that softness is power. It takes courage to trust someone enough that you don’t have to micro-manage their lives. It takes courage to dive into the sometimes murky waters of intimacy and trust that your partner won’t let you drown. It takes courage to let down our guard, to crumble the brick walls, and to allow our beautiful men to be their own people and to communicate to them, “I trust you to make good decisions about your life and our life.” It’s not about staying silent around important issues. It’s about picking your battles: knowing when and how to skillfully speak up when something really matters and then to let the rest of it go. We owe it to our partners. We owe it to our children. We owe it to ourselves. And, dare I say, we owe it to the planet.

by Sheryl Paul, M.A.

5 Lies Addicts All Addicts Tell Themselves

As an addict, life is a game of survival. Day after day is dedicated to avoiding withdrawals and hiding the outward signs of chemical dependency. On top of that, feeding an addiction means developing an arsenal of psychological defense mechanisms. Simply put, addicts have to learn how to shield themselves from the reality of their behaviors.

Whether you label these defense mechanisms excuses or lies, it all boils down to rationalizing the addiction. And believe it or not, addicts lie to themselvesmore than anyone else. When your actions have tainted everything you once held dear, yet you continue participating in that pattern of destruction, lying to yourself essentially becomes the path of least resistance.

Here’s a look at five lies all addicts eventually tell themselves:

Lie #1 My addiction doesn't

 affect anyone else.

This is probably the most universal lie among addicts. Despite seeing pain and confusion on the faces of loved ones, it’s easier to deny that reality. Instead, they see loved ones as enemies trying to dictate their paths in life.  They confuse concern with control and often say things like “If I want to do drugs, then that’s what I’m going to do.”

Lie #2 I’d never be able to manage my problems without drugs/alcohol.

For addicts, even the smallest life problems can become amplified. While it’s true that everyone has issues, addicts convince themselves there’s no way to work through them without self-medicating. They often feel like the world is working against them or they’re forced to endure more stress than everyone else. What they don’t see, however, is that alcohol/drugs make things much worse. In all honesty, addiction is likely causing a majority of their problems.

By telling themselves this lie, addicts can feel as if their substance abuse is somehow warranted. It allows them to justify being stuck in a drug-fueled rut.  Their judgment eventually becomes clouded; they don’t realize a bulk of these life problems would go away if they’d only commit to a recovery plan and focus on personal growth.

Lie #3 I’m in control of my substance abuse; I can stop whenever I want to.

Control is a big deal for most addicts. This statement allows them to feel like they’re still calling the shots in life; they don’t want to admit they’re chained to their drug(s) of choice. Deep down, most addicts are desperately searching for some kind of justification and – if they can just convince themselves that addiction is a personal choice – it almost feels like they’re in control. Almost.

Lie #4 But, I’m not like so-and-so…he/she’s really in bad shape.

Addicts like to use other addicts as a way to gauge their level of substance abuse. They’ll say things like “Bob’s been busted for three DUIs, but I never get behind the wheel when I’m wasted.” As long as there’s someone out there who’s much worse off than they are, it’s easy to feel a little superior.

All this comparison really means is that the addict hasn't fallen to a deeper level of destruction. If they don’t get help, however, it’s only a matter of time.

Excuse #5 I don’t care about my life and I don’t care if my addiction kills me.

One of the lowest points an addict can get to is the one where life becomes meaningless. They are so consumed with pain and grief that the depression seems to justify the rampant substance abuse. This is a vicious cycle: the more they use, the worse they feel. When there’s no joy or pleasure left in life, there’s no reason to seek out recovery.

In reality, abusing drugs/alcohol is the largest hurdle that holds them back from leading a productive and meaningful existence. Once clean and sober, they’re able to focus and start enjoying life again. They’re also able to embrace the love and support of family, get back to the friends who truly love them, and lead the authentic, meaningful life they've missed out on for so long.

Loving Ourselves First

  If someone leaves you and you just can't deal with being alone, that's the first clue that you don't love yourself. We get into relationships and give our all to it and nothing to ourselves. I mean it's OK to be upset and miss him for awhile but not long. It's good to give and love but you need a healthy amount. You need to come first to yourself. If your constantly thinking about when he's coming home and you hate when he's away from you, that's not healthy. It's ok to miss him but not be so obsessed over when he's coming back so you can feel at one with each other again. 

 If he breaks up with you and you can't eat, sleep, or think without him than that's not healthy. You don't love yourself enough to know that it was just meant to be and there's nothing you can do to change his mind. Breakups are the most painful because that person is choosing to not be with us anymore. We end up thinking, "what is wrong with me?" "Why won't anyone stay with me?" We gave so much of ourselves that there's nothing left for us. Once we're out of those relationships, we're left with ourselves. We need to learn how to nurture ourselves and understand that that wasn't only relationship left in the world. To have healthy love we learn that we have to love ourselves in order to have healthy love with someone else. 

 That time alone is perfect for you to focus on what you need to change in a relationship because we have flaws and things we need to change. You can read self help books. They help you see what you need to do more or less. I read a lot books and learned. You can't change overnight but at least you recognize your faults and you learn what you need to change. It helped me a lot see the things I was doing wrong. Even though you kind of know, it still helps you and you will notice things and grow from it. You deserve to receive as much as you give. Don't loose yourself in a relationship and only focus on giving him love and attention. You have to love yourself and learn how to nurture yourself.

                                                                                                                                          Lisa Palmer

5 Relationship Secrets for Emotionally Empathic Souls

By Judith Orloff MD

Loneliness gets to some more than others. But why it hangs on isn’t always apparent when read by traditional medical eyes. In my medical practice and workshops I’ve been struck by how many sensitive, empathic people who I call “emotional empaths” come to me, lonely, wanting a romantic partner, yet remaining single for years. Or else they’re in relationships but feel constantly fatigued and overwhelmed. The reason isn’t simply that “there aren’t enough emotionally available people ‘out there,’” nor is their burnout “neurotic.” Personally and professionally, I’ve discovered that something more is going on.

Emotional empaths are a species unto themselves. Whereas others may thrive on the togetherness of being a couple, for empaths like me, too much togetherness can be difficult, may cause us to bolt. Why? We tend to intuit and absorb our partner’s energy, and become overloaded, anxious, or exhausted when we don’t have time to decompress in our own space. We’re super-responders; our sensory experience of relationship is the equivalent of feeling objects with fifty fingers instead of five. Energetically sensitive people unknowingly avoid romantic partnership because deep down they’re afraid of getting engulfed. Or else, they feel engulfed when coupled, a nerve-wracking, constrictive way to live. If this isn’t understood, empaths can stay perpetually lonely; we want companionship, but, paradoxically, it doesn’t feel safe. One empath-patient told me, “It helps explain why at thirty-two I’ve only had two serious relationships, each lasting less than a year.” Once we empaths learn to set boundaries and negotiate our energetic preferences, intimacy becomes possible.

For emotional empaths to be at ease in a relationship, the traditional paradigm for coupling must be redefined. Most of all, this means asserting your personal space needs–the physical and time limits you set with someone so you don’t feel they’re on top of you. Empaths can’t fully experience emotional freedom with another until they do this. Your space needs can vary with your situation, upbringing, and culture. My ideal distance to keep in public is at least an arm’s length. In doctors’ waiting rooms I’ll pile my purse and folders on the seats beside me to keep others away. With friends it’s about half that. With a mate it’s variable. Sometimes it’s rapture being wrapped in his arms; later I may need to be in a room of my own, shut away. One boyfriend who truly grasped the concept got me a “Keep Out” sign for my study door! For me, this was a sign of true love. All of us have an invisible energetic border that sets a comfort level. Identifying and communicating yours will prevent you from being bled dry by others. Then intimacy can flourish, even if you’ve felt suffocated before. Prospective mates or family members may seem like emotional vampires when you don’t know how to broach the issue of personal space. You may need to educate others–make clear that this isn’t about not loving them–but get the discussion going. Once you can, you’re able to build progressive relationships.

If you’re an empath or if the ordinary expectations of coupledom don’t jibe with you practice the following tips.

DEFINE YOUR PERSONAL SPACE NEEDS

Tips for empaths to feel at ease in a relationship

Tip 1. What to say to a potential mate

As you’re getting to know someone, share that you’re a sensitive person, that you periodically need quiet time. The right partner will be understanding; the wrong person will put you down for being “overly sensitive,” won’t respect your need.

Tip 2. Clarify your preferred sleep style

Traditionally, partners sleep in the same bed. However, some empaths never get used to this, no matter how caring a mate. Nothing personal; they just like their own sleep space. Speak up about your preferences. Feeling trapped in bed with someone, not getting a good night’s rest, is torture. Energy fields blend during sleep, which can overstimulate empaths. So, discuss options with your mate. Separate beds. Separate rooms. Sleeping together a few nights a week. Because non-empaths may feel lonely sleeping alone, make compromises when possible.

Tip 3. Negotiate your square footage needs

You may be thrilled about your beloved until you live together. Experiment with creative living conditions so your home isn’t a prison. Breathing room is mandatory. Ask yourself, “What space arrangements are optimal?” Having an area to retreat to, even if it’s a closet? A room divider? Separate bathrooms? Separate houses? I prefer having my own bedroom/office to retreat to. I also can see the beauty of separate wings or adjacent houses if affordable. Here’s why: conversations, scents, coughing, movement can feel intrusive. Even if my partner’s vibes are sublime, sometimes I’d rather not sense them even if they’re only hovering near me. I’m not just being finicky; it’s about maintaining well-being if I live with someone.

Tip 4. Travel wisely

Traveling with someone, you may want to have separate space too. Whether my companion is romantic or not, I’ll always have adjoining rooms with my own bathroom. If sharing a room is the only option, hanging a sheet as a room divider will help. “Out of sight” may make the heart grow fonder.

Tip 5. Take regular mini-breaks

Empaths require private downtime to regroup. Even a brief escape prevents emotional overload. Retreat for five minutes into the bathroom with the door shut. Take a stroll around the block. Read in a separate room. One patient told her boyfriend, “I need to disappear into a quiet room for ten minutes at a party, even if I’m having fun,” a form of self-care that he supports.

In my medical practice, I’ve seen this creative approach to relationships save marriages and make ongoing intimacies feel safe, even for emotional empaths (of all ages) who’ve been lonely and haven’t had a long-term partner before. Once you’re able to articulate your needs, emotional freedom in your relationships is possible.

I miss my babies!!! I can't deal with this whole inside me from not seeing my kids. They live 3 hrs. from me and I don't drive yet. I've had issues with driving since my bad car accident. I'm  getting my license so I can go see them. You think my ex-husband would pay for them to come see me. You think he would tell them that they need to be with their mother. My daughter told me that after I left, he put stuff in their heads and kept talking bad about me to them. How just wrong is that?? 

Well, Joshua and Brian if you read this, just know that I love you both and miss you both so so much. I have this hole in my heart because I MISS you both so much and want to see you. It's been almost 2 yrs. since I've seen you. I had to leave because it was getting too violent between daddy and me. You's both know that. I'm not innocent but that's why I knew it was time. You guys don't need to see that. It wouldn't have stopped. I'm sorry for that. I love you both so much! I didn't want to leave so don't believe what your being told. I will always be here for you. Once I get my own apartment you's can come stay with me. I would so love that. I need to be with you both. Your both a huge piece of my heart and always will be. I love you both! I'm so proud of you both! Keep doing good! Love you both so much!!!

 I've had the mental illness Depression and anxiety since I was young. It's been with me since I was a little girl. I was diagnosed with Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. That doesn't make me crazy. I don't have bouts of being crazy either. Well, I guess I have had my moments of flipping out on abusive boyfriends and screaming at my kids. I hated myself for that. It was when I was abusing the pain meds  that I was on. I know they made me worse. I've gone through a lot of things in my life that has made my depression worse. Depression is horrible. Your brain doesn't produce serotonin. Serotonin is what makes you happy. The meds they put you on, is supposed to help you produce serotonin. It's hard to be this honest and open. You can't just make depression go away. Some people say just get over it but it's not like that. Ever since I was young, everyone could just look at me and see how depressed I was. I hated that. I had a lot of reasons to be depressed as well. I hated my home life and I hated school. I was a slow learner so that embarrassed me and made me cut school a lot with my friends. I would go out and drink a lot. Beer became my best friend. 

 I wouldn't go out unless I had some way to get beer. That made my depression and anxiety worse. I hated being a person that always looked depressed. Which is why I wanted my beer all the time. It made me happy and enjoy the night. It gave me courage to go dancing. I loved dancing.  It just made me a better person. Than I was introduced to cocaine. That was my true love. I had an abusive boyfriend who forced me to try cocaine and that was all it took was one line. I was hooked. We used all day and night. getting pregnant with my daughter made me quit. I stopped drinking to but as soon as I had her, I met another guy who used cocaine and so we started using and I just couldn't stop. I got into car accident and almost died. They were going to fly me to the hospital but the weather was to bad. If I had my seat belt on, I would have been crushed. I flew out of the car. The car was wrapped around a pole. I had a fractured pelvis and slipped disk in my back and neck. I had a head injury. Post-grade Amnesia and Retrograde Amnesia. I forgot some of my past and I can't retain new information. I drank and used cocaine a little more and than I finally woke up and realized that I almost died and my daughter needs me, so I finally stopped drinking and using cocaine cold turkey. 

 I've had to fight depression and anxiety my whole life. Having mental illnesses is just very hard but as the years went on, I got better with dealing with the depression. Having 2 sons and a daughter was the greatest gift I could get. I never knew a joy like that. They are my life and my joy and always will be. I still had to deal with the mood swings but it was hard being depressed when my kids are what gave me joy. They changed my life. I know that was my calling. It was hard knowing my kids gave me such joy but yet I was still depressed. They could see that. I started to isolate myself in my room. I hated that. I had to deal with such bad chronic back and neck pain. On top of that, Fibromyalgia. It was hard being a wife and mother. Trying to keep everything and everyone together while I was sick with too many things. Sometimes I had to play board games with my kids in my bed because my back can't deal with the chairs. I had to always lean my back on pillows. Anyway, I just thought I'd share some of what it's like to have all this. I go through it all in detail in my Memoir I'm writing. 

Depression and anxiety isn't fun to go through. It's hard dealing with that when you just want to be happy and enjoy life. That's what I'm trying to do now. Even though I haven't seen my sons in almost 2 yrs. now. It's killing me deep down that I haven't seen them. You think my ex would tell them go see your mom, I'll drive you there. They're almost 3 hours away. It hurts but I know I'll see them soon.  

10 Marriage Tips Every Wife Needs to Hear

I’m now in my third marriage.  When people learn this fact about me, their reaction is usually pretty awkward.  It’s almost as if they’re waiting for me to be embarrassed by my admission. While going through two divorces was some of the most painful times of my life, I’d only feel ashamed if I’d gone through it without being able to say I’ve learned a thing or two.  My husband and I had both been through divorce before we married each other, and with that brings a unique perspective into many do’s and don’ts of how to treat your spouse.

Don’t get me wrong — our marriage isn’t perfect, but our failures in past relationships have shaped decisions we make about the way we treat each other, and to be honest, I’m glad I went through it.  We’ve learned better, so now we do better.

And with that, I’d like to offer up my wise marriage tips — from a woman who has triumphed the murky waters of divorce.

1. Respect your husband.   Notice how it doesn’t say “Respect your husband if he has earned it”. A man’s greatest need in this world is to be respected, and the person he desires that respect from the most is his wife.  The trap that we’ve all been ensnared by is that they only deserve our respect when they earn it. Yes, we want our husbands to make decisions that will ultimately garner our respect, but the truth is that your husband is a human being. A human being who makes mistakes. This is the man that you have chosen to walk alongside you for the rest of your life, and to lead your family and he needs to be respected for that quality alone. Take it from me — when respect is given even when he doesn’t deserve it, it will motivate him to earn it. That doesn’t mean you pretend that his choices are good ones when they aren’t. Things like that still need to be communicated, but you can flesh out your differences with respect. It makes all the difference in the world to him.

2. Guard your heart.  The grass is not greener on the other side. Do not believe the lie that with a slimmer figure, a higher salary, a faster car, or a bigger house, you will be a happier woman. The world is full of things and people that will serve as reminders that you don’t have the best of the best, but it’s simply not true. Live the life you’ve been blessed with, and be thankful. I get that we all have struggles, and there are even times when I would love 1,000 more square feet of house to live in, but square feet is not fulfilling — relationships are. Guard your heart from things and people that will try to convince you that your life or your husband is not good enough.  There will always be bigger, faster, stronger, or shinier, but you’ll never be satisfied with more until you’re fulfilled with what you have now.

3. God, husband, kids…in that order.  I know this isn’t a popular philosophy, especially among mothers, but hear me out. It’s no secret that my faith is of utmost importance, so God comes first in my life no matter what. But regardless of your belief system, your husband should come before your kids. Now unless you’re married to someone who is abusive  (in which case, I urge you to seek help beyond what my blog can give you), no man in his right mind would ask you to put your kids aside to serve his every need while neglecting them. That’s not what this means.

When you board an airplane, the flight attendants are required to go over emergency preparedness prior to takeoff. When explaining the part about how to operate the oxygen mask, passengers are instructed to first put the mask on themselves before putting it on their small child. Is that because they think you are more important than your kids? Absolutely not. But you cannot effectively help your child if you can’t breathe yourself. The same holds true with marriage and parenting. You cannot effectively parent your children if your marriage is falling apart. Take it from me — I tried. There will also come a time when your kids will leave the house to pursue their dreams as adults. If you have not cultivated a lasting relationship with your spouse, you will have both empty nests and empty hearts.

4.  Forgive.  No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. If you make forgiveness a habit — for everything from major mistakes to little annoyances (every day, I have to forgive my husband for leaving the wet towel on the bathroom counter) — you will keep resentment from growing.

5. Over-communicate.  I used to have a bad habit of not speaking my feelings. I played the standard “You should know why I’m mad” game, and that’s just downright unfair. Men are not wired like women, and they don’t always know that they’ve been insensitive. I’m still growing in this area, and there are often times when my husband has to pry something out of me, but I’m trying to remember that I need to just communicate how I feel.

6. Schedule a regular date night. This one isn’t new, but it’s very important. Never stop dating your spouse. Even if you can’t afford dinner and a movie (which we seldom can), spending some regular one-on-one time with your spouse is essential. Don’t talk about bills, or schedules, or the kids. Frankie and I often daydream about our future, or plan our dream vacation. We connect emotionally and often learn something new about each other – even after four years.

7. Never say the “D Word”. If you’re gonna say it, you better mean it. Plain and simple, threatening divorce is not fighting fair. I did this a lot in my previous marriages. I’m not proud of it, but I learned better. I was hurting deeply, and I wanted to hurt back, but it never helped me feel better.

8. Learn his love language. Everyone has a love language. The way you perceive love is often different from the way your spouse perceives love. Does he like words of affirmation, or does he respond better when you give him gifts? Whatever his love language is – learn it and use it.

9. Never talk negatively about him. I learned this lesson the hard way too. If you’re going through a difficult time in your marriage and you need advice, see a counselor. Family counseling is a great tool, but try to remember that your family members and friends are not the most objective people to give advice. The argument they are hearing is one-sided and they often build up negative feelings toward your spouse, which usually doesn’t subside once you and your husband have gotten past it. Protect his image with those that you’re close with and seek help from those that can actually be objective. News flash, ladies – your mother cannot be objective!

10. Choose to love. There are times in a marriage that you may wake up and not feel in love anymore. Choose to love anyway. There are times when you may not be attracted to your husband anymore. Choose to love anyway. Marriage is a commitment. In sickness and health, in good times and in bad. Those vows are sacred. They don’t say “if you have bad times”. They say “in good times and in bad”, implying that there will be bad times. It’s inevitable. So choose to love anyway. He’s worth it.

Read more at Growthtrac 10 Marriage Tips Every Wife Needs to Hear | Christian Marriage Articles | Growthtrac http://www.growthtrac.com/10-marriage-tips-every-wife-needs-to-hear/#ixzz3EjBDiVam

How to Love a Girl who Writes.

Via Kate Bartolottaon Apr 28, 2013

Much has been made of dating a girl who reads, but what of the other side of that coin?

For a girl who writes is a double-threat: she is well read, yet creates worlds of her own as well. If you find a girl who writes—find her charming, wish to court her—there are a few things you should know.

Be prepared for her to leave you.

Not for long, but there will be those moments where she’s mumbling and she gets that look in her eyes and you know you’ve lost her. An idea, a character, a song has caught hold and she must capture it; she’ll be back. Even better, she’ll come back and tell you all about it.

If you love a girl who writes, please be patient. She can walk into the library and remember exactly which shelfNeil Gaiman is tucked away on, but more often than not, she can’t find her shoes. She knows 40 different words for rain across seven different languages, but she won’t always remember to buy more milk. She’ll have a list going, but it may become cluttered with ideas and random phrases, with future book titles and character names.

Sometimes she will be late because she pulled over to jot something down in her Moleskine or had to re-write something just one more time. You’ll be glad for her attention to detail as time goes on, I promise.

Tell her, gently, when her pen chewing has left a little ink beside her mouth, and make her go outside when she’s furrowing her brow after an unsuccessful wrestling match with words. Remind her that though she loves them, there is a whole world beyond to revel in, to re-fuel and return to them restored. (Embrace her love of alliteration; it makes her happy, even if it seems a bit silly at times.)

She will not always tell you how she feels out loud.

And even if she does, trust to the fact that she’s rolled it around in her brain (and possibly her journal) for quite some time before she comes out with it. Her words are her tools, her armor. She’s best with them when she can shift and spin them on the page. In her throat, sometimes they get caught and fall out all at once—or worse—slide back down and vanish until they flow through her fingers into her next story.

She will send you a song, a sonnet or start a philosophical argument with you. It’s her way of flirting with you. It’s like the writer girl combination of a hair toss and licking her lips. Play along.

Inevitably, you will show up in her pages (hopefully when she isn’t angry with you). If you love a writer, you will be immortal. She will capture you for all time as she remembers you walking with snowflakes gently falling in your hair, or the way you looked at her right before the last time you kissed. She’ll use a turn of phrase—or an inside joke—to include you in her work.

Brush up on your Shakespeare and, please, have your own opinions. Though she’s tickled when they match her own, she’ll love the parry and thrust of a good debate. And if you want to win her heart for good, know your way around a semi-colon.

I’ll let you in on a secret: she likes her alone time.

As much as she loves you, she won’t mind when you head out adventuring on your own, so long as you return and tell her stories before she falls asleep. She loves having time to get lost in her world of words, and sometimes forgets to stop to eat, or shower or spend time with people. The world on the page is as real and important to her as the “real” world. So if she bursts into tears over her cup of Genmaicha, don’t take it personally. She finally realized how to end her story and is going to miss her characters terribly.

If you want to give her a gift, think metaphor—not cliche. Skip the roses and give her daisies. Better yet, send her some of her favorite tea or a book that made you think of her. Give her bits of stardust and remind her that life is much more than just words on a page. Remind her that some of the best stories are collaborations. Write her letters and she’ll keep them forever. Write her a sonnet and she’ll keep you as well.

If you find a girl who writes, sift through all of her scraps of paper, half-filled journals and half-drunk cups of tea and take her by the hand. Gently ask her to set aside her laptop and return to the land of the living—for at least an hour or two—to dance and play.

(After all, that’s where all the best stories come from in the first place.)

But perhaps most importantly of all, if you love a girl who writes, read.

What it Means to Love a Libra.

Relephant reads: 

How to Love a Girl Who Juices

How to Love a Girl who Writes.

Date a Girl Who Practices Hot Yoga.

“We love the things we love for what they are.” ~ Robert Frost

A Libra longs for partnership, it is her heart’s forever-wish; but to love a Libra, you must love her completely.

A Libra will need space; she’ll need freedom to be who she is in any given moment. She wants to suffer, celebrate, hate and adore who she is. These things are always changing and often conflicting, because she’s constantly discovering new pieces of who she is.

She’ll never tell you something critical straightaway, instead she’ll sit with it until the perfect words ring true in her heart and ever-so-carefully move into her mouth. Even then, she might write you a letter. Because the intensity of her feelings can make the speaking of words such a task.

She loves words. She loves the magic they hold, the way they can free her (and so few things can).

So to love a Libra, understand that the words always matter—they are the brush strokes of her heart. She won’t lie, she’s no good at it. She won’t brag, for she holds words in too high esteem. Your words must never be cheapened through unfulfilled promises or patronization. If your speech is unkind, she’ll remember and the words will never hurt less.

She’s an artist, through and through. But a Libra, to survive in the world, must find her medium. The words, or paints, the delicate, mindful crease of a freshly-made bed—it’s all art to her. Beautiful pieces of anything. She needs objects and sounds and smells and textures to resonate with that place deep inside that says, “Yes. That’s it, now it is exactly right.” To love a Libra, you must know this.

She’ll need her art like you need your breath—without it, she will lose track of who she is.

You must watch the curve of her mouth; her lips will purse (ever-so-slightly) and when they do, you can rest assured that her mind wanders because her heart is not still. You’ll notice her eyes are far away; in that moment, you must let her go there—to the place where the words find their way to the air—but not for too long. She’s always in danger of escaping for too long.

She seeks stillness.

A Libra will love her body. She’ll hate her body too. But you must love it, you must always love it. You must look into her eyes and smile. Move her hair from her face so you can get a better look. You must touch the places that hardly get touched: her neck as she does the dishes, her collar bone as she types at her desk, her hip as you stand in line at the grocery store. You must weave the ordinary with the erotic. Slide your hands firmly over every inch of her skin as if it were the first time you’ve ever touched her. You must touch her. She’ll crave your embrace and wither without it.

She needs romance. And so many kisses.

She needs to be whisked away to see the world and she needs a comfortable home to return to.

She’ll cry. A lot. She’ll cry and you won’t know what’s wrong. She won’t tell you what’s wrong, not at first, because she might not know. There will be times when she simply needs to feel sadness, she needs to feel the struggle of being alive, even when you both don’t understand.

Whatever it is, she feels it more.

The weight of her fears, her curiosities, everything: of being human, of responsibility, of hate and violence and injustice, of beauty and lightness and breath, all of it. It frighteners her, but amazes her too. So she’ll need time and space to explore, to dance and to fall apart, because there is nothing more lovely than a Libra experiencing the world. She sees magic where others do not. She needs to believe in magic. Ferociously.

And when she finally turns 30—when the leaves are changing and she feels most herself—you’ll be mindful of her feelings; because, even if it isn’t a big deal, it is a big deal and the tears that stream for no particular reason come from a place of shame in her heart.

To love a Libra, you must celebrate; you must celebrate her, life, the amazing, the plain, everything and anything.

To love a Libra is to love the very essence of love, warts and all.

There’s a delicate balance—a perpetual tug-of-war—between feeling fierce and complete against feeling soft and frail. Always trying to reach that impossible balance, she never quite knows who she is.

To compensate for the not-knowing she’ll please everyone around her. She’ll accommodate others and fix situations until you resent her for it; but, to love a Libra is to see that her self-sacrifice, no matter how destructive, is how she loves. Her bleeding heart is how she finds her place in a world that can be unkind; it’s the way she can claim some shred of control—she believes that kindness is what matters most.

A Libra needs you to push her toward self-care. She’ll never choose her needs first, so you’ll have to teach her this craft. You’ll need to teach her that putting her needs before others is not the same as selfishness, because she sees selfishness as ugly.

Ugliness scares her.

Loneliness too.

Her heart will break often. Her heart will feel lonely and sad about many things, but you must never be the one to break it completely.

To capture a Libra’s heart is to capture her heart forever. There are no partners more committed, more attentive than your Libra. You mustn’t ever take her for granted though; for a Libra’s heart will grow uneasy when neglected, her heart will close and you risk never finding your way in again.

Her heart knows the secret to everything. Protect it.

Sometimes she’ll feel lost. She’ll need hot tea and blankets, black-and-white movies, and no conversation. Other times, she’ll need people. Parties and midnight walks and deep, frenzied conversation—she likes literature and science and philosophy best. She likes whiskey too. To love her, you’ll need to know that.

She’ll need constant reminders that she’s a lovely being, that she’s loved—better yet, adored. She needs mindful smothering, she needs adventure. A Libra wants autonomy, but can’t stand the thought of being left alone. You must learn to accept her, even as a contradiction.

She’ll require decisiveness, as she has none of her own. She’ll surprise you with spontaneity and you’ll admire the commitment she shows to her heart’s content. But if she has time to think, any decision will be painful—be it where to eat, what to wear or who to love. This will frustrate you, but you must try understand. For her, there is no such thing as an obvious choice.

Loving a Libra means loving love itself. She loves everything about love: the connection, the discovery, the heartache, the ecstasy, the very idea of love—it’s all the same. She yearns for the safety of partnership, but she thrives on the excitement of love’s uncertainty.

She wants passion.

She can see the good in almost any person, but in a lover she requires intelligence and humor. There is nothingsexier than wit.

She hates discord, because it makes her feel vulnerable; but to love her is not to worry too much, because she believes in forgiveness and trust—enough to repair almost any injury done to her. When you fight with a Libra, she’ll be certain that every fight is the end of everything and this will destroy her a little; you must remind her that every argument is an opportunity for growth—it is the beginning of a new everything. Loving a Libra means knowing there are few things more important than make-up sex.

She loves falling in love, so to love a Libra you’ll have to fall in love time and time again. She’ll require perpetual evolution, and inspiration, and a little dose of sin.

To love a Libra you’ll need to see the good intention that she always has in her heart; to ignore this well-meaning piece of her is to deny her a personal truth. She cannot survive without this particular truth. When she’s awful, or rude, or arguing because she’s right—and she’s usually right, because she’s a Libra and it’s in her nature to be fair and just and indisputably right—you must breathe. Then trust her tears and her words to be true.

She cares too deeply to ever inflict intentional harm.

But if you witness the flash of anger in her eyes, you must let her rage. For gentle, compassionate Libra will storm fiercely in the face of injustice. You must allow her the space to be a warrior when her heart tells her it is time to fight. You must stand beside her, admire her devotion and believe in the cause—see it for what it is, a manifestation of her heart’s deepest purpose.

Believe in her and she’ll believe in you too.

She might be cast as an introvert. She might be tagged an extrovert by those who know her best. Neither matters, as long as she feels connected to what surrounds her.

When a Libra is happy, she can take over the world. She need only be equipped with the proper music, laughter and her smile.

The trick is in keeping her there; for in that moment is an ocean of contentment that only her huge heart can appreciate. If you can keep her in the moment, you can keep her forever. But the Libra mind will drift and worry. It will linger on the wrong that cut her too deeply. She will scrutinize over the words you used, or the words that went unspoken. She’ll wonder about security and what each embrace or touch or quarrel will mean in the long-term; to love a Libra, you must gently guide her back to the now again and again and again.

Libra blossoms in the joyful now.

She believes in the goodness of people, in magic and (above all else) in happily ever after.

To love a Libra, you must believe in her for everything she is.