"I Need More"

                         

                    Don't get to close, it's dark inside, that's where my demons hide

                                                                                                         Imagine Dragons

     It is with such a heavy heart that I tell you my cousin died early this morning. My heart goes out to him and he will so be missed! I wanted to talk about addiction. My cousin was an addict also. A lot of people in my family are. I wish people would get educated about addiction because it's sad that people just think we're stupid for choosing drugs over our kids, family, job, ect.. We do not choose that. The brain makes us choose that. If you learn about how the brain works especially in addiction than you would understand better. If we could choose, we would choose the right path. When you feel that first high, there is nothing like it in this world. It calls to you literally. It's a monster. Yes, some of us hate life and hate our problems and that makes us want to use even more. We feel so empty inside and lost in life. We don't know what our purpose is in life. We tend to fail at certain things and when you have a family and friends calling you a loser and low life, it's a wander we don't kill ourselves sooner. It doesn't help to threaten the addict or take things away. 

 I know when I was in a car accident back in 93', I got on pain meds at 19 to get out of back pain and neck pain. I was on those for 17 years. I did get addicted. Everybody does if your on them a long enough. My body was addicted as well. I had to keep going up in dose just to get the same effect from when I started them. When they put me on Percocet, I was up to 15 a day or more. I was seriously addicted. I stopped on my own and they said all that percocet will kill my liver so they put me on Oxycontin. Bad idea...I was really addicted to those. I would take two at a time. I played it safe though because I had 3 kids to take care of and live for. I hear people snort them and take up to 50 pills a day. I snorted some but I took 2-3 at most and instead of every 4-6 hrs. I would start every 4 hours and than every 2 hours. I'd run short and have to withdraw till it was due to get my pills again. I actually fell asleep while walking to the kitchen and busted my head on the entertainment center. Oxycontin is strong shit. But, I swore I'd never get worse and I'd never try shooting up or heroin. I was addicted to cocaine when I was in my teens. I knew someone introduced it to me, I'd be in trouble. I tried to stay away from addicts. I can't believe how powerful these drugs are over your mind. 

 I had a boyfriend who introduced me to snorting pills. So, I immediately got addicted. I have tried heroin and got addicted to that. I was on it for 2 months and than I stopped on my own. I knew I was getting out of control doing 10 bags a day! There's a little amount in each bag but still. Than, he introduced me again to cocaine. I got hooked. I'm just amazed at how strong my will power is and I can stop on my own but it took awhile because it had me good. I just kept chasing that high. I knew I needed to stay alive for myself and for my kids. It's bad enough they have the father he is. I was so bad that it's like the ONLY thing on your mind. How can I get more?? Where and when? What if I steal money than I can get some because I'm so sick and need relief. When your withdrawing, you'll do anything to feel better. Now I have morals and values but it came close. It's just that bad. It's evil. It makes you do evil things. Withdraw is pure hell and evil. I went through it plenty of times. I mean it kills you to think how much money you spend on this crap when you need money for other things. It kills us inside and we know what we do is wrong but the damn brain tells us to ignore that and just do more. Now and again! One more time. It's a vicious cycle. It's seriously a brain disease. It's proven. Not saying ok it gets us off the hook for the bad we do, but it sure explains to others that we're not doing that because we have no morals or values or willpower. It's in our brain and we crave it and need it. It sucks for us to have to fight this. We fight our mind daily on stopping this shit but our brain ends up winning the battle. We hate our self for what we're doing so we do more and more. We want to stop, well, some of us. Not being able to see my children has destroyed me and that didn't help. It's crazy because I would sit and write to keep my mind off it and read, but no, it sneaks in there again and that's all you think about. It's constant and drives you crazy until you go get some. It's sad that people can't accept that it's a real mental disease. They've compared the brain of users and non users and done so many tests. Why do you think so many people today are hooked on pills? Yes, older people anyone. No matter who you are or what you do, it will hook you. Believe that. Your not stupid. Your just lost and your brain takes over. People are addicted to cigarettes and even alcohol and people don't really look down on them. Addiction is addiction. It runs your life period. Cigarettes have a thousand chemicals in them like our drugs do. So, they don't called stupid. They waste money on them. Anyhow, just wanted to share some of this with you all. Thanks for reading! 

This addicts need help and it's very hard to get the help you need like here in Delaware. They are very few suboxone doctors who put you on this medicine for 2 weeks. It's an opiate blocker and helps you with withdraw. But, they all say they're program is full and also your only on it two weeks so once you get off it, your gonna go right back to drugs. My doctor had me on it 2 years and it helps you not crave drugs. I did great on it! It has half an opiate in it but that's it. It's sad that they throw addicts in jail when they need rehab not jail! Also, they don't help you go through withdraw. You have to do it on your own with no meds to help you. It's sad. Addiction is all over the world. Your sister or brother may be doing it or your cousin. It's not a respecter of persons. It doesn't care who you are, it will grab you and hook you. I've swore I'd never get out of control but I did. I'm clean now but it took all my will power. The temptation will always be there. Your never free from addiction. It's always right around the corner. You can live a perfectly normal life without it. But you need family and friends that support you or it won't happen. I don't have family or friends to support me. I did it on my own. Well, just thought I'd share my addiction story. Down below I posted about addiction from another article I have on here. Just to help explain. 

     

Research on the brain indicates that addiction is about powerful memories, and recovery is a slow process in which the influence of those memories is diminished. Both addictive drugs and highly pleasurable or intense experiences (such as a life or death thrill, a crime, or an orgasm) trigger the release of the brain chemical dopamine, which in turn creates a reward circuit in the brain. This circuit registers that intense experience as "important" and creates lasting memories of it as a pleasurable experience. Dopamine changes the brain on a cellular level, commanding the brain to "do it again," which heightens the possibility of relapse even long after the behavior (or drug) has 

Additional research on addiction indicates that dopamine is not just a messenger that dictates what feels good; it is also tells the brain what is important and what to pay attention to in order to survive. And the more powerful the experience is, the stronger the message is to the brain to repeat the activity for survival. Additionally, those who have fewer salient things in their lives that capture their interest and attention are more vulnerable to those things that may give them a rush and alert the brain in a powerful way.
This research on dopamine goes a long way in explaining how someone can become addicted to something that can become so destructive and detrimental in their lives and the lives of those they love. It also helps to explain why meditation, yoga, exercise and acupuncture can be helpful tools in the fight against addiction, as they address the physiology and biochemistry of the individual. Battling addiction is not simply a matter of will-power, but also is about transforming an individual's body, mind, and life and creating a new set of experiences for the brain to register as important and pleasurable. It is also about patience, healing, not taking relapse personally, and the passage of time to allow the memories to fade

   

7 Steps to Inner Fulfillment

Many women feel overworked and under-appreciated. The simple life doesn't exist for us as we enter the work force, raise our children, commit to our partners and make our own way. However, this doesn't have to be experienced as exhausting or somehow unfair. Embrace all of this opportunity It is amazing how much stronger and capable we are then we ever knew. Look at the fact that no matter what struggles we come across, we keep going, because we have the will and strength to overcome it all. All of our greatest accomplishments, we once thought we may never achieve, we have because we kept on pushing through each challenge we faced. No matter what has felt beyond our control, nothing has ever made us less. Our resilience makes us more fulfilled and self-trusting.

7 Steps to Inner Fulfillment:

1. Self-loving: Fulfilled women do not count on others for their worth or self-satisfaction. They love themselves first, are able to self-soothe when life gets hard and continue to operate with a sense of composure. Life can be painful and challenging but because they are fulfilled and accept who they are flaws and all, they are able to tap into their own inner strength and continue forward with an attitude of faith that all things will work out in their favor.

2. Independent: Powerful women are driven, confident and in control of their emotions. They are not needy or desperate and have an "I don't care" attitude because they put themselves first in a healthy way. They do not depend upon others for their resources, are passionate about their lives and live out their defined purpose with commitment and fortitude, not letting outside influences take them away from what drives them deep within their soul. Fulfilled women have the confidence to go for it. They are not afraid of failure. They are not afraid of success. They are not afraid of the results of their efforts. Fulfillment allows them to take joy in the journey.

3. Discerning: Powerful women are selective about the company they keep. They are aware that negativity is contagious and drama producing, and therefore, are careful about who they spend their time with. They are committed to being in mutually beneficial relationships, love to give but can also receive and release those who do not have their best interest at heart.

4. Classy: Authentically happy women understand the concept of less is more. They know that intelligence, beauty, style and posture are their ways to communicate their worth. The take good care to be well-spoken, elegant, graceful, flirtatious and playful. When powerful women are present, their understated qualities are what make them stand out and shine. Confidence doesn't need for attention, it draws attention.

5. Nurturing: Women who are internally fulfilled do whatever it takes to get up in the morning to feed and nurture their children, their partner, their career, their passions, and most importantly themselves. No matter the challenges in their lives they continue to love and nurture those who depend upon them. This is essential to them, as mothering, whether they have children or not, is a part of who they are at their core.

6. Resilient: Genuinely happy women are focused, determined and they keep their efforts on their goal regardless of the distance it will take to fulfill it. Reinventing themselves is part of their DNA. They know they can pull it from where they don't have it when they are put on the line. They cry when they need to but because fulfillment is vital to their existence they never give up.

7. Other-oriented: Powerful women see the good in others. They see and value the beauty other people bring to their life and they find them interesting and people they can learn and grow from. They do not need all the attention for themselves because they enjoy celebrating the accomplishments of others as much as they love their own successes. They are aware that in life there is always enough for everyone. There is enough love, money, success and passion and so they do not engage in the wastefulness of jealousy. Women who are comfortable in themselves compliment often and love to make others feel valuable.

A woman who is fulfilled loves herself. She makes sure she fills her cup first because she is aware to give and receive in this world she has to be full and come from a place of knowing her worth. She is one who feels deeply and loves fiercely. Her tears flow just as abundantly as her laughter. A strong woman is both soft and powerful. She is both practical and spiritual. A woman who is fulfilled and comfortable in her own essence is a gift to the world.

Sherapy Advice: If you put yourself last fulfillment will never come. When you put yourself first you are an endless well of love and fulfillment for yourself and others. Love yourself.

                                                                                                                            Sherrie Campbell

                      "Faith For Dark Days"

 

                 When dark days come-and they come to us all-
                               We feel so helpless and lost and small.
                                We cannot fathom the reason why,
                                     And it's futile for us to try
                              To find the answer, the reason, or cause,
                              For the master plan is without any flaws.
                             And when the darkness shuts out the light,
                             We must lean on faith to restore our sight,
                                   For there is nothing we need know
                                   If we have faith that wherever we go
                                   God will be there to help us bear
                                  Our disappointments, pain, and care.
                             For He is our Shepard, our Father, our Guide,
                            And you're never alone with the Lord at your side.
                                   So may the great physician attend you,
                                And may His healing completely mend you.

 

An Early Warning that Conflict Might Turn Dangerous

Your body senses danger better than your head.

Published on April 8, 2009 by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. in Anger in the Age of Entitlement

 

I get many emails from people in high-conflict marriages who want to know if they are being abused. First I advise them that definitions are not the issue - the only thing that really matters is that they feel respected and are respectful in their disagreements, even in torrents of anger and anxiety.

More important than how you characterize your partner's behavior is your safety, and for that, women have a powerful alarm system embedded in their bodies.
It's Not Anxiety
Anxiety is a dread that something bad will happen and that you will not be able to cope with it. Most of the time anxiety is a better safe-than-sorry alarm system; it overestimates the likelihood of bad things happening and underestimates your ability to cope with them. This means that by the time you're an adult your anxiety has produced a lot of false alarms - a lot of the bad things you thought would happen didn't, or if they did they weren't that bad, or if they were, you handled them better than you thought you would.
Visceral Fear of Harm
Although it can occasionally seem similar to anxiety, there is one kind of nervous reaction that does not give many false alarms and that you must never doubt. I call it visceral fear of harm. It's a feeling in your muscles and in your gut that you will be physically injured. Unlike anxiety, which is based in part on your imagination, visceral fear of harm is a response to physiological cues that your brain picks up when you are close to someone who feels aggressive. This visceral feeling comes over you more abruptly and with greater intensity than mere anxiety about having a bad evening or even a dread of distress, depression, and other worries that go with conflict or emotional abuse.

Visceral fear of harm is not cognitive; you sense aggressive impulses in others before your brain can formulate thoughts about possible danger. That's why you get tense in certain situations, like seeing certain strangers, without knowing why. Women, like the females of most social animals, have a heightened sense of this early-warning system, which is why your man remains perfectly calm and might even get annoyed with your nervousness as you walk near a stranger in a darkened parking garage.
The Most Dangerous Kind of Self-Doubt
Although visceral fear of harm is compelling, many women start to doubt it when the physical threat comes from someone they love, and especially when they have learned to walk on eggshells to avoid unpleasant home situations. In that case powerful emotions like the love, guilt, shame, and abandonment anxiety that keep us attached, can easily cause you to doubt the internal alarm system meant to keep you from harm.
For instance, you may feel guilty or ashamed if you admit to fear of the man in your life, as if your involuntary reaction to threat were a betrayal of him. It may also be that you have figured out that your fear activates his shame and anger and you end up fearing your fear. Or your dread of losing him might exceed your fear of him. Or your love for him might be so strong that you want to believe that your fear could not possibly be real, that it's all in your head. Actually, it's just the opposite. Love, guilt, shame, and abandonment anxiety are in your head; visceral fear of harm resides in your body and reflexes.

If you are in a conflictive relationship, get used to monitoring your body - how you feel around your eyes, in your neck, shoulders, back, chest, arms, hands, stomach, gut, thighs, and knees. These are the most reliable indicators of whether your partner poses a threat to your physical safety. They are more reliable than what your partner says, simply because men are often not aware of how aroused and prepared for aggression they are in domestic conflict. He may have no intention of hurting you, but his body is at a hair-trigger level of arousal when you experience visceral fear of harm.
If your body tells you that you are in danger, you must always put your physical safety first, even if he has never been violent in the past. I have seen too many cases of women who ignored their visceral fear of harm and were badly hurt. Please do not ignore yours.
Men and Visceral Fear of Harm
With the exception of combat veterans and sexual assault victims, men are a lot less likely to experience visceral fear of harm and are, therefore, less likely to be empathic to their wives' experience. They need to develop a higher order compassion for a vulnerability they do not share.

I've treated many men who were victims of domestic violence, but have never seen one who knew visceral fear of harm in the way women victims do. Male victims will have anxiety and dread of humiliation from their abusers, but not real visceral fear of harm. I believe this is the main reason why male victims tend to be less damaged by emotional abuse and domestic violence than female victims. Shame, while painful and paralyzing, has more adaptive defenses than fear. You can ignore shame and regulate it by acting on your deeper values. But the alarm system of fear - triggered by danger in the environment - cannot be ignored or internally regulated. Fear, which freezes you, makes you far more susceptible to control, while shame, which makes you want to get away and resist submission, makes you less vulnerable to the abuse of a controlling partner.
In any case, if you live in a state of fear and are afraid of being physically harmed, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (for U.S. and Canada) 1-800-799-SAFE. You can get local referrals from this clearinghouse. If there is no visceral fear of harm, check out CompassionPower.

You’re So Needy

BY WAYNE CONNELL1 COMMENT

“You could get better if you wanted to.” “You should just try harder.” “You’re being lazy.” “You need to be more motivated.” “You’re so needy.”

Have you ever heard any of these comments from friends and family members? Have you ever said one of these to someone living with illness or pain? Often when we come across someone who says he has been sick or in pain for a long time, we think he is either exaggerating or not doing something about it. After all, when most people get sick, they get some rest, take some medication and are soon back on their feet. So why can’t our loved ones do that, too?

What we usually do not realize is how much people do attempt to regain their health. They have seen many doctors, had tons of tests, tried lots of medications and have undergone an unknown number of procedures. Yet, as we all well know, doctors do not always have all the answers. In fact, as our modern medicine improves, chronic illness actually rises. Excellent medical care saves lives and thereby, increases the rate of chronic illness.

Many times, we view those living with pain and illness as if their situation is due to a lack of motivation or attitude. They ask for help and we think they need to help themselves. We tell them if they “would just try harder,” have a “better attitude” and use “mind over matter,” they would not be suffering. Suffering can come upon us suddenly or gradually over time. Sometimes the cause is never known or found. Yet, the way people are judged and mistrusted can sometimes have just as devastating an impact on the sufferer as the actual pain or illness.

Quite often, the healthiness or appearance of fitness can add even more disbelief to the situation, especially if you are the strongest man in the world or at least play one on screen. As the star of the popular television show, “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys,” Kevin Sorbo portrayed an invincible demigod. He relished living the part—putting in 14-hour days on set, doing his own stunts and relentlessly working out at the gym. Until one day, it all came to an abrupt end.

Kevin, IDA’s 2013 Inspiration Honors Award recipient, shared in his book, True Strength – My Journey from Hercules to Mere Mortal—and How Nearly Dying Saved My Life, what viewers didn’t know – he suffered three strokes from an aneurysm in his shoulder that had been radiating blood clots throughout his body, likely for months. He was left partially blind and entirely incapacitated at just 38 years old.

Every time I told someone my story, it was hard. (Doing so is uncomfortable to this day, but I have discovered it is also therapeutic.) People’s incredulous reactions always made me feel more helpless. Even the professionals, who hid their initial surprise and approached treatment with positive words and a great attitude, could not disguise their uncertainty at treating a young person for an old guy’s disease.

We should never treat our loved ones as if they have chosen to have this condition and quit taking part in the activities they enjoy and miss. This approach is incredibly misconstrued, because why would they choose to give up the things they love? Most of all, why would we tell someone debilitated by his illness, “You just don’t want to work,” “You just don’t want to go out for dinner” or “You just don’t want to play with your children,” when he wants those things for himself more than we could possibly want those things for him. The truth is, if we look a little closer, we might see that our friend or family member is fighting this illness every step of the way, with courage most of us may never experience.

IDA 2013 Corporate Honors Award recipient and co-founder of RE/MAX, Dave Liniger, has done more adventurous things in his life than almost anybody I know. He served in Vietnam, is an avid pilot, has raced in NASCAR, has sky dived and even tried to circle the globe in a balloon. Yet in 2012, it was not an adrenaline activity that almost took his life, but a staph infection. Dave, who was always a strong leader, became the one who was most in need of others. Even from the onset of the illness, he was having a tough time asking for help. Dave shared his experience in his book, My Next Step: An Extraordinary Journey of Healing and Hope.

I’m the kind of man who rarely, if ever, asks for help. In my mind, real men don’t need a hand from anyone—ever. In fact, I rather despised the thought of being dependent on someone else, so for me to suggest that I might be in need was actually a very big deal. I just had a gut feeling that something bad was about to happen.

Yet, Dave did understand that people asking for help were not needy but in need. Thirty years ago, Dave’s wife, and then fiancé, Gail was recovering from her injuries sustained in a plane crash. “Even though I’d adhered to the ‘leave no man behind’ philosophy since I was in the military, this was the seminal moment when I vowed to myself that it would be my policy for life. No one deserves to be alone when they are sick, helpless and unable to care for themselves.”

Dave is in recovery from his illness, and I believe he has learned that sometimes no matter how strong you may think you are, there are times when you need others. I like to say that there are times when you need someone to carry the other end of the board. Or maybe even carry you.

In the midst of our busyness, especially during the holidays, let’s remember those who live with illness, pain or disability. We may have a friend, family member, someone at church, at work or a neighbor. Often those living with a debilitating condition are isolated and feel lonely or forgotten. There are many, simple ways we can show our love that does not take much of our time. So, let’s show them they are important to us by sharing our love with them throughout the year!

Although our schedules can get crazy, we can prioritize and even give up a few things that really aren’t that necessary. We can remember them with a card, a surprise gift in the mail, a phone call, bring them a meal or arrange a visit. We can also offer rides to doctor appointments or ask what they need from the grocery store. We can make a point to invite them to join us for a holiday dinner or party. What a gift it would be to be included! They need us. And we need them, too. Together, we can shine a little light in a dark time in their lives. Let’s all envision a world where people living with illness, pain and disability will be Invisible No More!

Are You In an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

Does your partner continuously degrade or belittle you? If you think that just because you aren't being physically abused nothing is wrong, think again.

Emotional abuse can have devastating consequences on both physical and mental health. While emotional or psychological abuse may be difficult to pinpoint, examples abound. Here are some characteristics:

• Using economic power to control you
• Threatening to leave
• Making you afraid by using looks, gestures or actions
• Smashing things
• Controlling you through minimizing, denying and blaming
• Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously
• Continually criticizing you, calling you names, shouting at you
• Emotionally degrading you in private, but acting charming in public
• Humiliating you in private or public
• Withholding approval, appreciation or affection as punishment
  

The main fibromyalgia signs and symptoms include deep muscle pain, painful tender points, and morning stiffness. Other major symptoms of fibromyalgia include sleep problems, fatigue, and anxiety. In order to make an accurate diagnosis, your doctor will need to review your symptoms and signs of fibromyalgia.

Could Your Symptoms Be Fibromyalgia?

What Are the Common Symptoms of Fibromyalgia?

Common symptoms of fibromyalgia -- also known as fibromyalgia syndrome or FMS -- may include:

• Pain
• Anxiety
• Concentration and memory problems -- known as "fibro fog"
• Depression
• Fatigue
• Headaches
• Irritable bowel syndrome
• Morning stiffness
• Painful menstrual cramps
• Sleep problems
• Numbness, and tingling in hands, arms, feet, and legs
• Tender points
• Urinary symptoms, such as pain or frequency

Is Pain the Most Common Symptom of Fibromyalgia?

Yes. Widespread pain is characteristic of almost all people with fibromyalgia. In fact, pain is usually what forces a person with fibromyalgia to see his or her doctor.
Unlike the joint pain of osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia pain is felt over the entire body. The pain can be a deep, sharp, dull, throbbing, or aching, and it is pain that's felt in the muscles, tendons, and ligaments around the joints. The Arthritis Foundation describes the muscle and tissue pain as tender, aching, throbbing, sore, burning, and gnawing.
For some people with fibromyalgia, the pain comes and goes. The pain also seems to travel throughout the body.

Do Painful Tender Points Accompany Fibromyalgia Pain?

Along with the deep muscle soreness and body aches, people with fibromyalgia may have painful tender points or localized areas of tenderness around their joints that hurt when pressed with a finger. It's the tissue around the muscles and joints rather than the joints themselves that hurts. These tender points are often not areas of deep pain. Instead, they are superficial, located under the surface of the skin.
The location of tender points is not random. They are in predictable places on the body. If you apply pressure to tender points on a person without fibromyalgia, he or she would just feel pressure. For a person with fibromyalgia, pressing the tender points can be extremely painful.

Is Fatigue a Fibromyalgia Symptom?

Next to pain and tender points, fatigue is a major complaint. Fatigue in fibromyalgia refers to a lingering tiredness that is more constant and limiting than what we would usually expect. Some patients complain of being tired even when they should feel rested, such as when they've had enough sleep. Some patients report the fatigue of fibromyalgia as being similar to symptoms of flu. Some compare it to how it feels after working long hours and missing a lot of sleep.
With fibromyalgia, you may feel:

• Fatigue on arising in the morning
• Fatigue after mild activity such as grocery shopping or cooking dinner
• Too fatigued to start a project such as folding clothes or ironing
• Too fatigued to exercise
• More fatigued after exercise
• Too fatigued for sex
• Too fatigued to function adequately at work

  Symptoms of Fibromyalgia

  What Are the Symptoms of Fibromyalgia?

  Symptoms of fibromyalgia include:
  

  • Chronic muscle pain, muscle spasms, or tightness
  • Moderate or severe fatigue and decreased energy
  • Insomnia or waking up feeling just as tired as when you went to sleep
  • Stiffness upon waking or after staying in one position for too long
  • Difficulty remembering, concentrating, and performing simple mental tasks ("fibro fog")
  • Abdominal pain, bloating, nausea, and constipation alternating with diarrhea (irritable bowel syndrome)
  • Tension or migraine headaches
  • Jaw and facial tenderness
  • Sensitivity to one or more of the following: odors, noise, bright lights, medications, certain foods, and cold
  • Feeling anxious or depressed
  • Numbness or tingling in the face, arms, hands, legs, or feet
  • Increase in urinary urgency or frequency (irritable bladder)
  • Reduced tolerance for exercise and muscle pain after exercise
  • A feeling of swelling (without actual swelling) in the hands and feet

                              "Living With Chronic Pain" (Part 3)

                             "Don't get too close, it's dark inside, it's where my demons hide.
                                                                              Imagine Dragons

  It was a constant battle in my mind. I wanted that high and I also needed to get out of pain. Once you begin using pills to get high, you need to use more and more to just to feel that high. Your chasing a high that you won't get like you did the very first time. That's why it's called "Chasing The Dragon". You have to use more to maintain just so your body feels normal. You don't feel a high like you first did but it still feels good. All you think about is MORE and you watch the clock to see if it's time yet for your next pill. The pain was just so bad that I wasn't able to do a lot of things. Especially with my kids. I wanted to be out of pain so I could go do things with my kids. It was a battle doing housework. I have an OCD with cleaning. I would clean with my music blasted up high and dance and act crazy with the kids. Even though it hurt my back more, I still did it. I started doing aerobics and weight training when I was sixteen. I was addicted to exercise also. I would even dance for my aerobics. I love dancing. It was always a passion of mine to become a dancer. But, it was great exercise and it would hurt my back really bad but I had to lose weight. I didn't care how painful it was. I just thought after awhile the pain would get better instead of worse because I was strengthening my muscles. Little did I know, my Chiropractor told me that aerobics is good of course, but I should have strengthened my core first. So, I probably injured myself more. After I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I realized that's what made me stop exercising during my pregnancy with Joshua. When we lived in CA. I just got to exhausted and painful to keep up with my aerobics and Yoga.   It really made me angry that I had to stop. Not only did I have a good looking body and nice muscles, but it gave me the energy I needed and I knew it was helping my body not get worse.

 So, I became really depressed even more so than I was. Living with Chronic pain was just hard. I had pain I had to deal with even when I sleep. I couldn't sleep more than 4-5 hours because it would hurt my back and hips from laying to long. I have bad hip pain from the fractured pelvis I got from the car accident. My Chiropractor did x-rays of my pelvis and said I had a twisted pelvis. I don't see how that's possible but I need a second opinion on that. I have 2 herniated disks in my low back and bone spurs, which are painful, on my spine. I also have scoliosis that I was born with. The drs. said that causes more pain than a slipped disk. I have joint and disk disease which is really bad arthritis in my lower back.  I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I have plantar Fasciitis on my feet. which means they get very painful from standing after just 5 min. I have Migraines which have lessened but I get spinal headaches I call them because I can't lean my back against anything or it goes right to the back of my head and causes an explosive headache. It lasts 3 days at times. I have a broken coccyx bone which makes it hard for me to sit long. I def can't sit on those hard chairs.

 I have lived with this chronic pain since I was 19. I would do things like go to the zoo for my kids even though it killed me. I forced myself to do a lot of things to take the kids places. After they got older, my pain got worse and worse. So, I'm glad I was able to do a lot of things with them before I got this bad. It's very depressing having to live in pain all the time. I grew up with severe depression and anxiety and that got worse of course because of me and my husband arguing a lot. There were a lot of times my own husband would say I was faking it. That really hurt. I mean it's hard enough dealing with this pain and hating the fact that I can't do much besides stay in bed, let alone having someone who supposedly loves you, say your faking it. Yeah, I wish I was faking. Having your own husband who lives with you and sees the pain your going through and begging for back rubs because it was worse at night, and than him go and say that your faking it to our friends at church and our own kids. Instead of supporting me, he just made up lies and started to put the focus on him.

 The counselor we were seeing together and I also saw her on my own, she explained to him that I had PTSD, from being raped 3 times and being with abusive men and my father. She said I have Bi-polar, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. So, he started to focus on having PTSD himself. From being in Iraq. Now, I told him he may have that and than he just forgot all about me and started telling everyone that he had PTSD and he just always talked about himself. It was always like that. He either always talked about being a Soldier or Fireman. It just got really old. I was always there to support him and listen but he never was for me. He didn't understand Addiction and didn't care to learn about it and support me. Even the kids got sick of hearing him. Yeah, after things got worse with him throwing things at me and his yelling scaring the kids he told me to get out. I knew I could stay but I also knew it was a bad idea because it was really affecting the kids and myself. The stress and anxiety made my pain worse. I screamed at him so I'm not saying I was perfect. It was hard not to scream back when he would say the most cruel things to me in front of the kids.

 Anyhow, the last 2 years I was still living there, my addiction got so bad that I had to put myself in rehab. I was withdrawing really bad because I failed the doctor drug test. I took some Percocet's that was left over from my sons surgery. He was done them so I took them and he saw them on the drug test and he kicked me out as a patient. I went through the pure evil and hell of withdrawing. I swore I'd never touch those again because the hell of withdraw is just pure evil. I hated my kids seeing me like that but I told them this is what you'll go through if you get hooked on pills. You get a constant runny nose, chills real bad, sweats, leg cramps and your skin feels like it's on fire. You want to punch your legs cause the pain is just horrible. It just feels like the flu, only ten times stronger! But I knew it was time to get off those,. I didn't want those to damage my liver or kidneys and I knew it was causing me to have serious mood swings. I would get angry easily. I got off them and was clean for two years before he kicked me out. I was going to meetings and did 4 different meetings. It was very hard at first because after being on pills all my life basically, since I was 19, that's all I knew. I now had no pills. I was on 2 opiates and a muscle relaxer that was also addicting. Soma. I loved the high I got from taking all those together. But, I was used to popping a pill when I was in pain, when I was stressed or upset, when I was bored or angry. I used all kinds of excuses. So, I would take Tylenol and Motrin but I knew too much Tylenol was bad so I couldn't take a lot. It was just hard not having any pills.  

 It was just really hard dealing with pain everyday and all day. It would get worse at night but it was all day constant pain. I tried to not complain because I know how annoying that is. But, yeah, I suffer silently. I hate that it controls my life. The Fibromyalgia is just horrible. You have all kinds of ailments with that alone. It causes headaches, body aches, joint pain, you can't stand cold or hot weather, chest pain, and your skin is sensitive as well. My kids would joke around and hit me on my arm and I would yell with pain. It stings bad. There are many symptoms.

I have relapsed and got some pain pills and even started to snort them. Being away from my kids has took a big piece of my heart with them. I was lost when I left and moved back home with my parents. It felt like they were kidnapped. My ex-husband told them I wanted to leave. I was just so empty. I went from being a wife and mother, to nothing.  I can't see my sons because they live 3 hours away and my daughter moved to CA. with her boyfriend. It was so bad the first year home. I couldn't think of them or talk about them without crying bad. It was hard to look at pictures of them without breaking down and just thinking about my youngest son and needing mama. It was so bad that I got back to drinking again almost every night. I have the opportunity to write now. I've allowed the depression to make me not want to read or write. In order to write, you have to do a lot of reading as well. I had to get back on depression pills to help me. I also got a mood stabilizer for the bi-polar. I have mild bi-polar. Mainly the bi-polar depression. It will paralyze you. So, I have severe depression also because of being in pain a lot. I want to get back on pills because of the pain but I know I developed an addiction to them so it's not a good idea. I am working on my Memoir and doing my daily writing. I am doing a writing class now and it's helping me out. I just need to focus on that right now. I don't drive yet because the accident left me fearful. I am still very afraid and seeing all these accidents and the way people drive just kills me with fear. It's also my brain injury that has me worried about driving. I fear that I will mess up like not paying attention because I have a problem focusing on things.

I got addicted to snorting pills. This guy I was with started me on that. I told him to please never use in front of me because I was addicted to cocaine at one point and loved snorting it. So, he cut up the pill in front of me and sniffed it so that made me want to try it. I got really addicted though. I'm still off the alcohol and pills too. So, I need to stay from people who use and drs. that would be willing to give them to me. So, it's hard having pain and nothing to help but I know if I get back on them, it's pointless because you'll always have to go up in dose and your body just gets addicted to them and you feel worse pain because your body is used to them so you need higher doses and you start withdrawing after 4 hrs. Not bad withdraw because your still taking them but when you start withdrawing, I call it like thawing out. Your body feels everything. I felt worse back pain. I know when I stopped for those 2 years, my back hurt but not like it did when I was on them. I felt all kinds of pain while I was on them. So, I know it's just not worth getting back on them. I can't control my addiction so what's the point and getting on them and risking my addiction get worse? Drugs always leads to either jail or death. It's not worth it. A lot of addicts think they can control it their self but you just can't. I've quit alcohol and cocaine  by myself. I can stop on my own but I can't be around them or else it will get out of control and I'll start using again. My kids need me alive. I may not be able to see them now but I know things will change soon and I'll be able to see them and I need to be clean for myself and for them! I refuse to allow my addiction to control me or kill me. I also can't be a good writer if I'm using. So, I just thought I'd share my story for anyone struggling with chronic pain and or pill addiction.

 I know there are other ways like doing light aerobics and light weight lifting to help with pain. I can use other things to help instead of pills. I've tried to needles in my back but that didn't work. I know eating healthy and not smoking can help as well. I'm staying focused on what exercises my chiropractor taught me to do and losing some of this belly will help with back pain. I gained some weight over the last 4 years. It's been hard but I'm sticking with the program and staying focused on my writing. Writing is my passion and I can't wait to publish this book!!

                          "Living With Chronic Pain"  (Part 2)

 I've had to deal with living with pain all my life. I was on pain pills for seventeen years. Since I was 19. That's when I got in the car accident. I had a slipped disk in my back and one in my neck. Later on, I got another slipped disk in my low back and all the ones in my neck are slipped. That's seven I believe in the neck. It may be because of the exercises I did. I used weights to do crunches with my abs, so I may have got them from those. My back and neck pain got worse over the years. So did my brain injury. Because of the car accident, I got Post-grade and Retro-grade Amnesia. I couldn't remember the car accident and other things in my past. I also have a hard time retaining new information. It's almost like on 50 First Dates. It's like my slate gets wiped clean after I go to bed. I sometimes forget what I did or something I learned. If I read an article or wrote one, I forget what it was about or I have a hard time explaining what I learned to someone. I'm just very forgetful and that comes with age but top it off for me, it's my brain injury as well.

 I have severe back pain that I still have to deal with. Like I said before, I was on pain pills for seventeen years. I went from Darvocet, Percocet, Oxycontin, Morphine, and than Opana. A lot of people get addicted to them. Your body becomes addicted first. Your body becomes immune to them and you have to go up in dose. I would watch the clock because it says every 4-6 hours, so I would take them every four hours. Than I started taking two at once. That clock became my life. I was addicted but I was in serious pain as well. Little did I know back than that it's like a roller coaster. You just need to go up in dose and I would tell the doctor that my pain is really bad and these pills are not helping. It was true but I would exaggerate how bad the pain was. Little did I know that they really do stop working because your body is immune to them by now.

 Than, I would tell the doctor again that they weren't helping. I would wait like three months or so before I told him they weren't helping. Than he chose to put me on Percocet's. I got really out of control with those. I would take them every four hours and sometimes two every four hours. When I would run out early, I would tell the doctor it was because I took them every four hours instead of every six hours, which would mean that you run out faster because he didn't give me the right amount of pills for every four hours. So, I was than up to fifteen percs a day. My husband was stationed in Ft. Irwin, CA. at the time. I just had Joshua, my youngest son. I took them while I was pregnant but it was before I got out of control. I hated being on them while I was pregnant but with my pain, it was just unbearable and they thought I would be bed ridden during my whole pregnancy.  I wasn't and I know because the pills did help me. I still had Brian to chase around. He was 3-4 at the time.

 I did get out of control after I had him and the doctor figured out I was developing a problem with them, so he offered me to go to rehab. I wanted to but I just couldn't leave my kids like that. They would have to watched by a stranger because my husband had to work. So, I had to battle myself and discipline myself into just taking them the way I'm prescribed to. I did and I did good. I was able to just stop and take them right. My kids needed me awake and functional not all messed up and tired all the time because the pills make you tired. I did it on my own though.

 When we left CA., we ,moved back to North Carolina. I was put on Oxycontin. That was a bad idea. I really got addicted to those. They were so strong that as I was walking to the bathroom, I fell asleep and busted my head on the entertainment stand. I had a huge bruise from it. I kept falling asleep, even while I was going to the bathroom. Than my body got immune to them. They bumped up the doses from 20 mg. to 40 mg. Later on they put me on Morphine. I was really addicted to those to. I had to watch that I didn't run out early and when I did, I didn't tell the doctor. I just had to deal with withdraw. I had to do that a lot. Even when I was on Percocet's, I ran out like a few days early. Than it would turn into a week early so I had to suffer withdraw. They bumped me up to Opana's. I was told that these meds were meant for someone with cancer. I know the pain I felt was like having cancer. I had deep bone pain. They had me on Opana 20 mg. one a day and than 40 mg. Opana up to four times a day. I was really addicted but I really couldn't see that because the pain was bad and I knew I had no choice but to stay on pain meds. Otherwise I just couldn't do things because of the pain.

 My addiction didn't effect my kids in the sense, I didn't go out drinking and partying. I wasn't real high on pills to where I couldn't take care of my kids so I figured there was no problem. I knew people on the "Intervention" show, they were taking like 50 pills a day and some more than that. They were also drinking and or smoking pot. I was only taking two pills a time and I was taking them every 2 hours. I saw no harm in what I was doing because I was functional and able to do housework and take care of my kids. Little did I know though, that it did cause me to have serious anger issues and it was making me too tired to want to play with my kids. So, I started seeing how it was affecting me as a Wife and Mother. It was a constant battle in my mind. I'll explain more in part 3.

                                          "Living With A Chronic Illness"



     When I opened my eyes, all I saw was dark and rain drizzling on me. I looked around to see what happened and where I was. I was on the wet ground and realized that we were in a car accident. I tried to get up but some pain was stopping me from moving. I had a severe pain by my pelvis. I heard Dave call for me. He came by my side holding his rib.  

 "Lisa, stop moving your hurt. You may hurt yourself more if you keep trying to get up. Just lay still until the ambulance gets here". 
 "Are you OK?" I asked Dave. 
 "My ribs hurt. Think I broke some ribs." 

I wasn't afraid of dying at all for some reason. I remember that I hated laying in the wet mud. The fire station was right across the street so they were fast getting there. I was going in and out of consciousness. I heard the sirens and I than remembered them cutting my clothes off. It upset me because I was saying "no, not my favorite daisy duke shorts and half top." Only I would be dying and only care about my clothes, ha ha. 

 The next memory was them asking Dave for my parents phone number and one of them said, "she's not gonna make it." I could have went into shock with him saying that. My husband had told me they're not aloud to say that but he did. I still wasn't worried. I kept going in and out but for some reason I wasn't worried. I truly believe my Angel was there to keep me alive and I guess she kept me calm. My next memory was waking up in the hospital and they were pushing me on the gurney and my parents were there. My dad always worried about me brushing my teeth when I was growing up and so he asked the nurse if all my teeth were broken out. She said no, it's just blood and mud that make it look like that. Only my Daddy. So, I remembered them moving me from the gurney to the MRI machine because I screamed in pain! Laying on that hard board killed my back. Then I remember them putting a breathing tube down my throat. They told me to swallow as they were putting it in. I hated that. That was the worst. 

 Dave and I were drinking that night and he smoked pot. It was storming out and his parents ran out of gas coming back from the beach, so we had to go bring them some gas. It was pouring out so I was afraid and laid down on his lap. We came up to a light but the lights were all out, so he just went on. We were hit on my side and the car went airborne and than hit a curb and than wrapped around the pole. I fell out of the car while it was airborne. I landed by the drivers side. If I had my seat belt on, I would have been crushed. 

 I was in the hospital for a week.  I had a fractured pelvis and herniated disk in my low back. I also had retrograde and post grade amnesia. I wasn't allowed to see my face for the first three days. That really scared me. I had cut marks all over my face from the glass. I had glass in my hair and blood. I had cuts all over and bruises. When the car was airborne, I fell out. So, I had a huge black and purple bruise from my booty up to the middle of my back some. I had a deep long gash down the side of my thigh and the same exact one on my other thigh. I hated when the nurses would come in my room at 2 am and have to clean my wounds. That was the worst pain! They had to pour distilled water in it and that medicine. It was painful. Dave's mom took better care of me than the nurses. I had glass in my hair and blood and so she brought in dry shampoo and washed my hair and got all the glass out. She also let me see my face with the mirror she brought. I wasn't able to walk, so the first three days I couldn't see it because I had to use a potty pan. When I saw my face, my heart broke. I had slashes and cuts all over my face. I felt sick. I prayed and had faith God would heal most of them. I couldn't walk for the first 3-4 days. Than they started me in therapy basically teaching me how to walk again. I had to use a walker. 

  I had to use a walker to walk for the first 2 months. Than I went to crutches for 2 months and than one crutch for a month. I couldn't hold my daughter either when I was home. I hated having to just lay in bed and have everyone wait on me and take care of my daughter. My sister helped and she was a home nurse, so she cleaned my wounds and helped. I couldn't lift my daughter because it would have put strain on my pelvis. I had to get on pain medication for the back pain and the sciatic nerve that would shoot down my leg. It is horrible pain to have to deal with. 

 It was such a struggle dealing with back pain everyday and trying to chase my daughter around. I know it woke me up. I was doing cocaine and drinking every night. This accident woke me up. I could've left my daughter without a mother and I am so thankful to God that we didn't have her with us. We would always bring my daughter over there. His mom loved her and always played with her. So, thanks be to God that my mom watched her that night. I stopped cold turkey cocaine and alcohol. I hated being in pain. It made me miserable. I had to learn how to deal with it. The pain meds helped some. I always did aerobics and weight training and so I couldn't do that for awhile. When I got back into it though, I could tell it helped my pain. It was making me feel better so I stuck with doing it. 

  

10 Things Your Husband Hates

10 Things Your Husband Hates

Kimberly Wagner | 08.19.14
Twitter: @KimberlyWagner7

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My husband and I spent many years in a miserable state. I'm ashamed to tell you that this list is a result of some of the ways I was guilty. Several, actually. I'd love for you to learn from the mistakes that I made over the years.

He hates when you throw him under the bus in public.

When you point out his faults, criticize, or correct him, you make him feel like an idiot in front of others—and that's demeaning. Don't embarrass him in any way (especially in front of your children). Would you want him to do that to you?

He hates when you remind him of his past failures.

It's something that was settled long ago (or maybe just last week), and you just can't seem to let it go. We've all failed. Let go of things that have already been worked through and settled. If there are unresolved issues that were never dealt with biblically, don't bring them up as a bully club, but take steps to graciously resolve them and move on!

He hates when you unload on him as soon as he walks in the door.

One thing I can't stress to wives enough—HUG your man when he comes in from work! Greet him with a kiss and some love. Give him an encouraging word, and hold off on letting him know what a tough time you've had. He has had a long day. (I know you have as well, but I'm not talking to him. I'm talking to you.) He's been hit with challenges that you haven't faced, and perhaps he fought battles you'll never know about. Be what makes it all worth coming home to.

He hates when you expect him to be just like your girlfriend.

He's probably not a crafter, a scrapbooker, or a fan of spending five hours at the mall. An afternoon in the nail salon is probably not his idea of fun. He's not going to communicate with you like your best friend or want to know the complete story you want to tell. Down to the Very. Last. Detail. Appreciate him for being a man, and leave the girl stuff to your girl friends.

He hates when you expect him to read your mind.

Just tell him. Don't play those mind games where you're thinking: If he really loved me, he'd know that I want him to . . . (fill in the blank). I wouldn't have to tell him! Your husband will be so grateful if you'll ditch the mind-reading game and just have some honest and gracious communication.

He hates when you treat him like your child.

Men know that they don't think like we do. They know that it can be challenging to measure up to our expectations or desires. When they forget to close the lid on the toilet, it's not because they want to irritate us. When they take the long route because they forgot the right exit, it's not because they want to burn that extra gas. When we talk to our husbands in the same tone we would use with our children, it is disrespectful. And that's a sin.

He hates when you unload the big guns at 11 p.m.

Don't wait until bedtime to bring up a topic of discussion that has the potential to put the two of you on opposite side of an all out battle until near dawn. If you need to have a conversation that has the potential for major conflict or emotion, do it early in the evening (or maybe save it for a morning when he's home). Respect his need to get some rest.

He hates when you compare him to that "perfect guy" at church.

Your husband may not seem as "spiritual," may not treat you the same way you see that "perfect guy" treat his wife, he may not sound as knowledgeable, or seem as interested in the sermon. But your husband probably has some worthy qualities that you may be missing because you're so focused on what he's "not." Quit comparing him to other men—what good can come from you doing that? Why not ask God to open your eyes to see things that you've not yet appreciated about him?

He hates when you give him the silent treatment.

Whenever you use the silent treatment to manipulate him, it harms both of you. The silent treatment is a hostile punishment tool. Don't make things more difficult by clamming up or stuffing your anger. If you're hurt or angry, first go to God and ask Him to search your heart to see if the anger is righteous or if there is some offense that needs to be discussed. Talk it out with your husband. Be honest and humble in your communication and remember—he's not your enemy!

He hates when you use sex as a weapon.

The gift of sexual intimacy is to be an expression of unselfish love. It's a physical demonstration of spiritual unity. Don't withhold yourself to punish your husband, and don't use your intimacy as a bribing technique. Honor your marriage bed as sacred, and love your husband well.

Have I sounded harsh today? I hope not, I just know how easy it is to slip into a disrespectful attitude that morphs into ugly treatment of those we love most. I'm challenging all of us today to set aside any of these things that are a common, but destructive, tendency in marriage. And they are not God-glorifying.

Do you see yourself anywhere in this list? If you do, I hope you'll spend some time seeking God. Ask Him to show you specific things you need to ask your husband to forgive you for, and share that with him.

You can see our marriage video or listen to our story at Revive Our Hearts. If you invite your husband to join you, it might open up a discussion where you can reach a better understanding of his needs.