My Story.....

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I love to read, write, play pool & help others. I love being with my 3 blessings! I have a gorgeous daughter, Meggan~23 and 2 handsome sons. Brian~20 and Joshua~16. I wouldn't be anything without my babies. They're my greatest accomplishment! 
I pray my words, pictures, and what I post about give you encouragement and help inspire you to love deeper and believe there is a life out there for you. You need to have faith and believe in YOU. 
I married a Soldier so I was a Military Wife for 17 yrs. and now we're divorced. I am part German, Irish, English, and Ukraine. Trying to focus on my writing. I'm working on my Memoir and Suspense Romance Novels. I want my story of abuse and my addictions  to help other woman and teens. I went through a lot of trauma growing up and still found joy and I know you can too!

Monday, August 18, 2014

                                                  "A Mother's Heart" 

     It's been a year since I've seen my sons. My heart is so broken and I just can't believe my ex would put stuff in their head to think I left on my own. He was getting violent and not that I was perfect but this is why I agreed that I needed to leave. He wanted me out. I know I wrote a post on this before I really need to get this out. I love my kids with my heart and soul and I would have never left them if I didn't think it was time. The anxiety and fear of him hurting me or them wasn't good for me at all. I couldn't be the greatest Mom that I wanted to be with all the depression and anxiety. 

 I was going through a lot with my body always being in pain as well. I have two slipped disks in my low back, spurs on my spine which cause severe pain, scoliosis of the spine which my doctor told me is worse pain than a slipped disk. I have severe arthritis in my back. I have Fibromyalgia and that has a long list of ailments you get from that. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and mentally I have, Bi-polar, severe depression and anxiety, PTSD,and Borderline Personality Disorder. My ex decides to tell them and others that I was faking it. OK, why someone would be so proud to have all these issues is beyond me! I have PTSD from being raped and trauma from the car accident, and being in abusive relationships. 

 I just hate that he never tells them they should come visit me. It was put in the divorce papers that he would bring them once a month. He lies to them so they don't want to come I guess. My daughter told me he talked all kinds of mean stuff to them once I left. I don't understand how a parent can do that to a child. I wouldn't talk bad about him. It's just not right. Even though they would come to me and ask why daddy was so mean, I would tell them he just had a bad day or whatever but he loves you guys very much. 

 Anyway, I'm just hurting so bad inside and been crying over my babies. It kills me to be away from them.
I just want to be with them. My older son, Brian is a volunteer fireman. Worried but so proud of him and my younger son, Joshua wants to be a cop. I just can't wait to see them. My heart is aching for them and I know I'll see them soon. It's hard also because they live three hours from me. I don't drive so I can't go see them. They're very loving and sweet and I raised them to like that. I love my boys and if you guys are reading this, just know that mama is so so very proud of you's and can't wait to see you! I love you both so very much! 

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